Wife's birthday coming up -- if her ex-affair partner contacts her I am going to lose it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has to be transparent about her affair partner, disclosing every time he may try to make contact with her and a clear explanation of how she handles it. It's a basic part of rebuilding trust and your healing. You have every right to tell her this, and it should be a condition of your remaining with her. If she won't do it, you won't be able to move forward and you're wasting your time.

PP here from 10:35. Just to add. If/when she does the right thing and is forthright and honest with you about any attempts he's made to contact her, you need to be cool about it and not blow a gasket. If you want her to continue to be honest with you, it wouldn't be good to put her in constant fear that when she does the right thing, she's going to be yelled at, guilt tripped, etc. she screwed up in the past, yeah, big time. But please don't punish her for doing the right thing NOW. Just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

If you don't kick the cheating ho to the kerb than you have demonstrated your low value and you have to accept the fact that you'll be treated like the doormat you have agreed to be.

[Anonymous]

I think the healthiest thing you can do for your marriage is to talk to your wife directly about this. It'll be hard, but good for you not just as you approach her birthday, but in continuing to rebuild your trust in each other. Give her the chance to prove to you that she's committed to honesty (such as regarding the AP), and prove that you're committed to honesty as well (such as about your feelings about your marriage and the rebuilding process). Tell her you're feeling anxious about whether her AP will contact her around her birthday, and ask her to tell you if she does hear from him because you don't want to be left wondering about it. Otherwise you're kind of setting her up, you'd want to know if she heard from him, but if she does and she doesn't respond (because she wants to protect your marriage), she might think it's better not to tell you (because, after all, since she didn't respond or acknowledge him, she stayed faithful, so why needlessly upset you). You'd also be setting yourself up, because if that happened and you found out anyway, it would be fresh grounds to distrust her even if she acted entirely appropriately with respect to the AP.

[Anonymous]

If she's smart, she won't tell you even if he does.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm a woman, you are still staying in a marriage when you know your wife is cheating. This is going to sound so mean, she knows you are not going anywhere that's she is going to continue cheating. She has lost respect for you. You are not man in her eyes. She can walk over you and you'll will stay. You have a self-esteem problem or it's your fear of being alone-she knows this. It easy to manipulate someone like you. You don't have much pride or ego and she knows this. I'm really impressed by people who tolerate cheating, why set your standards so low. Do you believe you deserve a faithful partner who respects you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm a woman, you are still staying in a marriage when you know your wife is cheating. This is going to sound so mean, she knows you are not going anywhere that's she is going to continue cheating. She has lost respect for you. You are not man in her eyes. She can walk over you and you'll will stay. You have a self-esteem problem or it's your fear of being alone-she knows this. It easy to manipulate someone like you. You don't have much pride or ego and she knows this. I'm really impressed by people who tolerate cheating, why set your standards so low. Do you believe you deserve a faithful partner who respects you?

Oh shut it. Being married is for the long haul. Op doesn't need your garbage post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

If you are divorcing why are their rules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

If you are divorcing, why can't your H see the OW? Why do you get to set the rules if the marriage is over?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the question is why you are building up frightening/angering scenarios in your own mind. It's almost as if you want an excuse to blow up. I think you are angrier than you want to admit, far angrier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm anxious because I haven't fully built back the trust yet. It takes a long time to rebuild that.

On the one hand, I don't even want to mention him. On the other hand, I feel like I should say to her, "If he reaches out to you, I want to know," and then I need to trust that she'll tell me. If he reaches out, she doesn't tell me and I find out, then all our reconciliation efforts are out the window and I have to assume the worst. I was trickle-truthed for months about him and I can't handle much more of it.

Do you have kids with this woman? If so, have you run paternity tests?

[Anonymous]

If you want her to tell you IF the AP contacts her, you need to not "lose it" if he does. She can't control if he reaches out or not. So punishing her for him reaching out isn't ok. But if she doesn't trust that you won't "lose it" upon finding out, then she has a reason to hide it from you.

Be a safe place for her to tell you unpleasant things. Then decide if you want to live with those unpleasant things or not. But no need to "lose it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

This is so strange. You're trying to control your STBX's behavior around this other woman? Dafuq? So inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.



How do you get to dictate that as a term to a man that you are divorcing?



I imagine because her husband wants the split to be amicable.

Not PP, but I can imagine several scenarios in which this is possible. For example, my husband had an emotional affair - we are working through it, but if things don't work out, we will divorce. I prefer an amicable divorce, but I do need him to cut off 100% of ties to OW. Since she's his subordinate, all it would take is one phone call from me to have him fired. He's since moved to a different department, but still. He has reasons to comply.

That's not nearly the leverage you think it is. You get him fired, that still hurts you financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

So you're divorcing him, but he's still not allow to talk to her? Was she over the top insane or something?

Aren't they all, yes, she lacked morals and I don't want that type of person in my child's life.

OW are never the women you marry, they are the dorm room whore you screw when you get home from a bar and didn't find a real hook up.

If he wants ago be a part of my life ... Meaning I include him in the kids stuff when they are with me, yes, there are rules around that arrangement.

If you want to be a loser and associate with losers, you can see your kids every other weekend and Wednesday's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

So you're divorcing him, but he's still not allow to talk to her? Was she over the top insane or something?

Aren't they all, yes, she lacked morals and I don't want that type of person in my child's life.

OW are never the women you marry, they are the dorm room whore you screw when you get home from a bar and didn't find a real hook up.

If he wants ago be a part of my life ... Meaning I include him in the kids stuff when they are with me, yes, there are rules around that arrangement.

If you want to be a loser and associate with losers, you can see your kids every other weekend and Wednesday's.

I think you should get some help to work through your anger. You really don't want to model this type of vindictive behavior for your children, do you?