Wife's birthday coming up -- if her ex-affair partner contacts her I am going to lose it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm anxious because I haven't fully built back the trust yet. It takes a long time to rebuild that.

On the one hand, I don't even want to mention him. On the other hand, I feel like I should say to her, "If he reaches out to you, I want to know," and then I need to trust that she'll tell me. If he reaches out, she doesn't tell me and I find out, then all our reconciliation efforts are out the window and I have to assume the worst. I was trickle-truthed for months about him and I can't handle much more of it.

How about if he reaches out to you I want you to ignore him and return the 'gifts'?

OP, if you feel this way, you should not be living with your wife. You're not living, you're existing. This guy is controlling your emotions. Seriously, why are you still with this woman?

Yes, I think the real issue is that OP still does not trust his wife. This needs to be addressed, ideally with counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

You sound like you are in a marriage where you only do housework in hopes if getting sex.

Hire a maid.

Say what?

I'm a DW. My husband does no housework whatsoever. I still have sex with him.

If he cheated on me, it would be over, and his OW could have him. I wouldn't play weird control games because I am mentally healthy, in control of my own emotions, and don't derive pleasure from controlling others.

I am very sorry he cheated on you, and I wish you the best, but I really think you need to see someone to get a handle on your control issues. It's really not healthy, and I know you must feel like crap all the time, even if you won't admit it to yourself or others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm anxious because I haven't fully built back the trust yet. It takes a long time to rebuild that.

On the one hand, I don't even want to mention him. On the other hand, I feel like I should say to her, "If he reaches out to you, I want to know," and then I need to trust that she'll tell me. If he reaches out, she doesn't tell me and I find out, then all our reconciliation efforts are out the window and I have to assume the worst. I was trickle-truthed for months about him and I can't handle much more of it.

How about if he reaches out to you I want you to ignore him and return the 'gifts'?

OP, if you feel this way, you should not be living with your wife. You're not living, you're existing. This guy is controlling your emotions. Seriously, why are you still with this woman?

Yes, I think the real issue is that OP still does not trust his wife. This needs to be addressed, ideally with counseling.

This is very helpful about "trust" from marriagebuilders.com

Part of this problem is that spouses are often led to believe that trust is something you are required to do when you are married. You have to trust your spouse. But trust is not a requirement for marriage; it's a reaction to experience. It grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

You sound like you are in a marriage where you only do housework in hopes if getting sex.

Hire a maid.

Say what?

I'm a DW. My husband does no housework whatsoever. I still have sex with him.

If he cheated on me, it would be over, and his OW could have him. I wouldn't play weird control games because I am mentally healthy, in control of my own emotions, and don't derive pleasure from controlling others.

I am very sorry he cheated on you, and I wish you the best, but I really think you need to see someone to get a handle on your control issues. It's really not healthy, and I know you must feel like crap all the time, even if you won't admit it to yourself or others.

Your H does NO housework. why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

This is so strange. You're trying to control your STBX's behavior around this other woman? Dafuq? So inappropriate.

Hahahahahahahah.... Control? Grow up. Nobody has the right to be in my life. Telling people how you want to be treated = inappropriate... In your delusional world... I have every right to express how I want to be treated. I have every right to cut him off 100% if I am not treated the way I expect. I have no problem dumping toxic people from my life. He has every right to choose her over us, good luck with that. You think the kids respect you? Want to be around that? No!

Having affair.... Is what? Appropriate?

GMAFB.... Do the crime, do the time?

Way to make this thread all about yourself. You sound like a real peach. I'm happy and excited for your soon to be ex husband because soon you will be nothing to him, without control over every aspect of his life. It must really suck going through life miserable and nasty, with your only happiness coming from making other people miserable too.

Back to the OP, please don't "lose it." This won't help your relationship and the attempts the two of you are making to restore it. It will only set you back. Like other have said, you can't control what the AP does. It's how she handles any contact that is important. Stay focused.

Nice try ... i don't control his life he can do what he please... And what pleases him is being around me and our children. He won't be married to me but if he wants to be part of our life he is welcome but not with crazy people. I actually have suggested a few nice chicks for him to date, but he not there yet, didn't really expect divorce... Thought I would stay. Hope he finds a nice, respectable woman who has morals. She is welcome to the pool too.

Good for you, PP. I personally think that is a reasonable line to draw.

Yeah, seems fine to me. Not sure it will work out for her, but it's worth a try.

She also seems to be from a different culture than the plain old American kind. Just lay off....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

You still don't get it. You keep saying he wants to be around you and in your life. No. He cheated on you and you're divorcing. He arguably does not place a lot of importance on being a part of YOUR life. But you control access to the kids who he DOES want to see. Get it? You're a gatekeeper, that's it.

I actually do think he placed a lot of importance on our family life... but he has issues... people have affairs because of issues inside them, not some external force that "makes them cheat".

Yes. He would like to reconcile but that is not possible at this point.

I am not a gatekeeper... the kids are old enough to text. They see him if they want. They text him any time and ask him to do something, if they want.... and they want to because I did not demonize "cheating" ... everybody makes mistakes and you work through them. You work through your anger and you can only do that by rebuilding your bond. My son's bond with his father was severed 100% ... and this is only about rebuilding. His daughter was also sad but she is more like me, more empathetic.

But... I do allow him to be at our house if I am doing a 4 hour bike ride on MY Saturday and my teens want kids over for the pool. They know that is not allowed without an adult. They also know I won't be mad if they text their dad and say, hey can you life guard, mom is gone until 1.

or they may want to watch a Caps game with them.. okay I like the Caps but do you know how many Caps games there are... he can come over watch that game in the basement with the kids while I am doing my thing and yes, he is not sitting in the basement while we eat dinner.... and I am in bed before the 3rd period starts. Yes. He lost the "family life" and he wants it back, but I am not going to put imaginary blocks up from the kids seeing their father.

But if he is a jerk to me, puts me down, etc I would not allow it because they would see that I allow abuse. I don't allow abuse, I do allow people to make mistake and try to make it up to their children.

From day 1 the OW was out of the picture. He already destroyed my son's relationship with one of his best friends, seeing the OW would be really hard on both boys. It is not an option. If he sees her, he clearly is not "doing what is best for the family".... besides he has no desire to see her. From the beginning, until we could get our boys on different sports teams, he did not go to games, since she might be there. Sorry if that sounds controlling. But I think it sounds like common sense.

[Anonymous]

You need to be discussing this with your wife, tell her about your anxiety and ask her what she plans to do to address it. This isn't just your burden to bear, this is a marital issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

You still don't get it. You keep saying he wants to be around you and in your life. No. He cheated on you and you're divorcing. He arguably does not place a lot of importance on being a part of YOUR life. But you control access to the kids who he DOES want to see. Get it? You're a gatekeeper, that's it.

I actually do think he placed a lot of importance on our family life... but he has issues... people have affairs because of issues inside them, not some external force that "makes them cheat".

Yes. He would like to reconcile but that is not possible at this point.

I am not a gatekeeper... the kids are old enough to text. They see him if they want. They text him any time and ask him to do something, if they want.... and they want to because I did not demonize "cheating" ... everybody makes mistakes and you work through them. You work through your anger and you can only do that by rebuilding your bond. My son's bond with his father was severed 100% ... and this is only about rebuilding. His daughter was also sad but she is more like me, more empathetic.

But... I do allow him to be at our house if I am doing a 4 hour bike ride on MY Saturday and my teens want kids over for the pool. They know that is not allowed without an adult. They also know I won't be mad if they text their dad and say, hey can you life guard, mom is gone until 1.

or they may want to watch a Caps game with them.. okay I like the Caps but do you know how many Caps games there are... he can come over watch that game in the basement with the kids while I am doing my thing and yes, he is not sitting in the basement while we eat dinner.... and I am in bed before the 3rd period starts. Yes. He lost the "family life" and he wants it back, but I am not going to put imaginary blocks up from the kids seeing their father.

But if he is a jerk to me, puts me down, etc I would not allow it because they would see that I allow abuse. I don't allow abuse, I do allow people to make mistake and try to make it up to their children.

From day 1 the OW was out of the picture. He already destroyed my son's relationship with one of his best friends, seeing the OW would be really hard on both boys. It is not an option. If he sees her, he clearly is not "doing what is best for the family".... besides he has no desire to see her. From the beginning, until we could get our boys on different sports teams, he did not go to games, since she might be there. Sorry if that sounds controlling. But I think it sounds like common sense.

I think you are awesome and I don't know why others are so hard on you. Good for you for fostering a relationship between your children and their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

You still don't get it. You keep saying he wants to be around you and in your life. No. He cheated on you and you're divorcing. He arguably does not place a lot of importance on being a part of YOUR life. But you control access to the kids who he DOES want to see. Get it? You're a gatekeeper, that's it.

I actually do think he placed a lot of importance on our family life... but he has issues... people have affairs because of issues inside them, not some external force that "makes them cheat".

Yes. He would like to reconcile but that is not possible at this point.

I am not a gatekeeper... the kids are old enough to text. They see him if they want. They text him any time and ask him to do something, if they want.... and they want to because I did not demonize "cheating" ... everybody makes mistakes and you work through them. You work through your anger and you can only do that by rebuilding your bond. My son's bond with his father was severed 100% ... and this is only about rebuilding. His daughter was also sad but she is more like me, more empathetic.

But... I do allow him to be at our house if I am doing a 4 hour bike ride on MY Saturday and my teens want kids over for the pool. They know that is not allowed without an adult. They also know I won't be mad if they text their dad and say, hey can you life guard, mom is gone until 1.

or they may want to watch a Caps game with them.. okay I like the Caps but do you know how many Caps games there are... he can come over watch that game in the basement with the kids while I am doing my thing and yes, he is not sitting in the basement while we eat dinner.... and I am in bed before the 3rd period starts. Yes. He lost the "family life" and he wants it back, but I am not going to put imaginary blocks up from the kids seeing their father.

But if he is a jerk to me, puts me down, etc I would not allow it because they would see that I allow abuse. I don't allow abuse, I do allow people to make mistake and try to make it up to their children.

From day 1 the OW was out of the picture. He already destroyed my son's relationship with one of his best friends, seeing the OW would be really hard on both boys. It is not an option. If he sees her, he clearly is not "doing what is best for the family".... besides he has no desire to see her. From the beginning, until we could get our boys on different sports teams, he did not go to games, since she might be there. Sorry if that sounds controlling. But I think it sounds like common sense.

I think you are awesome and I don't know why others are so hard on you. Good for you for fostering a relationship between your children and their father.

What a painful situation you went through. I haven't posted on this thread but I did think your first post seemed over the top. It just goes to show not to judge a whole situation when we don't have all the information. Good luck to you and your entire family-- your ex and your kids.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ thanks... I am making lemonade, and lemon meringue pie, and lemon bars and lemon cookies and most importantly hard lemonade.... sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's sour.

I think I have good perspective... my BFF's H died when she had young children... my other friend's daughter died at 11... it really helps you get perspective and to look at all the good you have in life. I don't ask why me, I ask why not me. Everybody is handed hardship in this life, it's just a matter of time.

Happy 4th!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

So you're divorcing him, but he's still not allow to talk to her? Was she over the top insane or something?

Not the OP, but in my case, yes. She threatened to kill me after he broke it off with her.