Reply to Guidance Needed - ADHD kid, family life, struggling to get on same page with DH

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[quote=Anonymous]I hear you OP.  I am the organized parent in a 2 ADHD kid household with two working parents. I sometimes think of myself as an air traffic controller. If I don't keep my eye on everything, planes start hitting each other and falling out of the sky.  And yeah, I'm ADHD (diagnosed and medicated), and DH is too ( not formally diagnosed)  My kids are now 12 & 14.  Which means that they take some responsibility too, but that there are many activities.  I don't have anything earth shattering but:

1. Shared calendars!  We have shared electronic google calendars and a whiteboard calendar in the kitchen. Kids and adults all access the family google calendar. Everyone can see what is the plan for the day. When someone looks at me with a shocked face, and says what do you mean the have a music recital tomorrow, as shrug and say, It's on the calendar. Likewise, if a kid fails to put something on the claendar, they may not get a ride, etc.

2.  In this set up, kids must learn to take responsibility for themselves, ASAP. Getting themselves dressed, packing own lunches. Ready to leave at xxxx time in the morning with musical instrument, packed backpack and lunch in hand. It can be done, if you start the habit early with checklists.  At some point (generally early middle school) the kids start working with and ADHD tutor each week. She goes through their academics and extracurriculars for the upcoming week with them, and helps them plan out completing projects, music practice, etc-- basically make a master plan for the week. Then they are responsible for keeping to it.  So worth the $$.

3. When you delegate something, delegate it 100%. Honestly, that seems to be a big problem for you. If DH is getting the kids ready in the morning and dropping them off, let him do it, his way. You can't oversee from afar and you can't let him see you get upset because it is done differently from how you would do it. You can't show up at drop off and make sure they are on time, and you can't get upset that they are wearing a striped shirt with plaid shorts. And you can't step in and save the situation unless there is a genuine, 911 emergency. Your DH is an adult and a parent too, and deserves to be treated as such.  The rule in our house: if you ask someone to do something, you can't criticize how they do it. You'll be amazed. The first week of drop offs will be a mess.  And then when you stop stepping in to save the situation, your DH will learn to leave the house on early, double check that kids have lunches, etc.

4.  Transition times (beginning of summer, beginning of school, etc) are a clusterf--- for ADHD kids and parents. Always. Kids will always be on edge and upset. Things will always go wrong and be overlooked. Expect it, try to keep your cool, try to have a sense of humor about it. Try to plan a date with DH, a massage or other stress reliever for yourr self, and remember it is only bad for a couple of weeks. Work hard during that time to get a routine in place that works for everyone. [/quote]

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