Is it normal to take multiple vacations but never visit family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Visiting family is not a vacation. Since you do not get along with your SIL why would you want to get together?

OP here. Who said I do not get along with my SIL?? I've never had an issue with her.

When we visit, we see multiple people and family members, so it's more of a group visit. And yes visiting family can be "boring" (but doesn't have to be that way). They know the invitation is always open, but I guess I don't understand people saying they "value family" but aren't interested in making the effort. A little bit of effort for a weekend visit can go a long way, especially when time/money aren't an issue.

OP, see bold: "They know the invitation is always open." Maybe you think they do but some people just need a real invitation with dates attached to it.

I'm not clear whether you really want them to come to you because you enjoy their company, want to know what's going on their lives, etc., or because you feel that they "should" reciprocate and visit you because you visit them. Unless you really do want to spend the time with them because you like them as people (and not just because they're family and you think family has an obligation to visit family) -- why would you push this?

If you want them to visit you, give them a real invitation rather than assuming they know "the invitation is always open." Maybe they're the types who just don't invite themselves to other people's homes but wait to be invited. There's nothing wrong with being like that. And there's nothing wrong with their spending their money and time on the vacations you cite. If they always use those trips as excuses over and over to turn down real, specific invitations from you, I can see why you'd be peeved. But it doesn't sound like that's the case; you just feel they ought to want to spend as much time with family as you yourself expect. Can you be open to the idea that they're not wrong or bad here? They see you twice a year but you seem to feel that's not enough, if they "value family."

OP, my SIL and her family (who live overseas) go to New Zealand every year for weeks at Christmas to visit their closest friends, who live there. They have the option to go anywhere, including here, and they go there instead. And that's fine, and yes, we all get along excellently. SIL and family are also making a trip to the US this fall and will be fairly close by (NYC) but they're doing it at exactly the time we will be in their country visiting the rest of the family. I could sit here and be angry and upset that they didn't work all their US plans out with us, or that they spend substantial time every single year with friends instead of coming to see us--we're family. But it just doesn't occur to us that we should dictate how they spend their vacation time, and we'll see them at other times in the year. We don't question whether they "value family." We stay in close touch all year long and don't fret over reciprocating visits.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get where you are coming from. I don't know if I would call it obnoxious - it's just the way it is. Invite them over for one of the minor holidays or a long weekend. Or are they too busy for those too?

[Anonymous]

My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

That's quite a leap, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

We are opposite. We are under my MIL's thumb. It took us years to have a real traveling vacation that didn't involve a pit stop with family between funerals and weddings and reunions. We don't get 5 weeks off per year, so I grew resentful. If we said we couldn't afford to go visit X family, she would offer to pay for hotels, airfare, etc. We finally had to book ahead of time and say, no thanks. We flew to the beach and had a wonderful, family free time.

In your situation, I think a great compromise would be to stop one of your two visits and instead, book a big family trip. You could rent a house on the beach or a cabin in the mountains. Your carribean family can plan ahead and instead go there 4x and meet you for their 5th trip. Other family can be brought in on it too. Just spark the conversation and see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Visiting family is not a vacation. Since you do not get along with your SIL why would you want to get together?

OP here. Who said I do not get along with my SIL?? I've never had an issue with her.

When we visit, we see multiple people and family members, so it's more of a group visit. And yes visiting family can be "boring" (but doesn't have to be that way). They know the invitation is always open, but I guess I don't understand people saying they "value family" but aren't interested in making the effort. A little bit of effort for a weekend visit can go a long way, especially when time/money aren't an issue.

OP, see bold: "They know the invitation is always open." Maybe you think they do but some people just need a real invitation with dates attached to it.

I'm not clear whether you really want them to come to you because you enjoy their company, want to know what's going on their lives, etc., or because you feel that they "should" reciprocate and visit you because you visit them. Unless you really do want to spend the time with them because you like them as people (and not just because they're family and you think family has an obligation to visit family) -- why would you push this?

If you want them to visit you, give them a real invitation rather than assuming they know "the invitation is always open." Maybe they're the types who just don't invite themselves to other people's homes but wait to be invited. There's nothing wrong with being like that. And there's nothing wrong with their spending their money and time on the vacations you cite. If they always use those trips as excuses over and over to turn down real, specific invitations from you, I can see why you'd be peeved. But it doesn't sound like that's the case; you just feel they ought to want to spend as much time with family as you yourself expect. Can you be open to the idea that they're not wrong or bad here? They see you twice a year but you seem to feel that's not enough, if they "value family."

OP, my SIL and her family (who live overseas) go to New Zealand every year for weeks at Christmas to visit their closest friends, who live there. They have the option to go anywhere, including here, and they go there instead. And that's fine, and yes, we all get along excellently. SIL and family are also making a trip to the US this fall and will be fairly close by (NYC) but they're doing it at exactly the time we will be in their country visiting the rest of the family. I could sit here and be angry and upset that they didn't work all their US plans out with us, or that they spend substantial time every single year with friends instead of coming to see us--we're family. But it just doesn't occur to us that we should dictate how they spend their vacation time, and we'll see them at other times in the year. We don't question whether they "value family." We stay in close touch all year long and don't fret over reciprocating visits.

I thought the same thing. Some people will never take you up on an open-ended invitation like that. You have to issue a specific one, even if it's inviting them to come "any weekend in June" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

OP here, and this these are my thoughts. Why say family is important, and that the kids/cousins spending time with each other and develop a relationship is important, but not but action to words? It does seem like a ruse more and more. The weeks and weeks of vacations are fine, but then own it. And when we visit (planned way in advance), they also always seem to have other things planned/double-booked and we barely see them. I get people wanting to do their own thing but this seems much. Other family members are more reciprocal.

Also no, I'm not the person who talked about their SIL - that was someone else entirely.

[Anonymous]

I would feel exactly the same way. It really bothers me that we always have to travel to see our family, and when we're there they have other priorities than seeing us. I'm over it and we aren't going to make all the effort anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

That's quite a leap, don't you think?

No. What's a leap is going from, "I have made small talk with you a few times at family get togethers and once or twice had a long conversation" to "I love you and our relationship is very important in my life."
If you are a nice person, you think "oh my god, I have to make more of an effort with this person, I am VERY Important to them." Then later you realize that they aren't really making an effort to see you, you aren't really that important, and it was all just bogus, so you might as well focus on the relationships that are actually meaningful.
I guess what I don't understand is, why the ruse? Is there some invisible audience I am unaware of? We don't love each other or have a meaningful relationship. We both know that (now). Who are you faking it for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are opposite. We are under my MIL's thumb. It took us years to have a real traveling vacation that didn't involve a pit stop with family between funerals and weddings and reunions. We don't get 5 weeks off per year, so I grew resentful. If we said we couldn't afford to go visit X family, she would offer to pay for hotels, airfare, etc. We finally had to book ahead of time and say, no thanks. We flew to the beach and had a wonderful, family free time.

In your situation, I think a great compromise would be to stop one of your two visits and instead, book a big family trip. You could rent a house on the beach or a cabin in the mountains. Your carribean family can plan ahead and instead go there 4x and meet you for their 5th trip. Other family can be brought in on it too. Just spark the conversation and see.

Oh god. This sounds like hell to me. Lots of people enjoy it, but please don't put something like this out there as a mandatory test of family loyalty.

I can understand where you are coming from. I have an SIL who really does talk up the importance of family ALOT but when she is in town, takes off for trips to NYC after two days with the family, and it strikes me as odd (I doubt I'd notice it if she didn't talk incessantly about how much she wishes she could see everyone more). Anyway, I second the people above who suggest actually offering a specific invitation rather than a vague open-ended one, whether it is for a vacation together or just a trip to your home. But be ready to take no for an answer.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you why we do it, and maybe it will resonate.

We have limited funds and vacation time, like everyone, but in our situation if I don't work, I don't get paid. So for me to take a week off for a vacation, I am already $800 in from not working that week. (I work prn in healthcare 1-2 days/ week and work odd hours, my kids are prek age and we avoid childcare costs that way).
We are not a high income family and seeing family requires 4
plane tickets. So at $400/ticket plus the cost of me not working that's $2500 just to get there.
Which would be fine if it was fun, but it's not. We end up getting a rental car, driving all over to see 3 different parts of the family, and are exhausted all the time. The kids don't sleep well and neither do we.
We did it a few times and realized we could spend the $4k (rental car, food, etc) and have a great trip we all enjoyed.
It has NOT gone over well, and no amount of explaining makes it any better.
I have offered to buy plane tickets for anyone who wants to see us, since it's 1/4 the cost, and have had no takers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

That's quite a leap, don't you think?

No. What's a leap is going from, "I have made small talk with you a few times at family get togethers and once or twice had a long conversation" to "I love you and our relationship is very important in my life."
If you are a nice person, you think "oh my god, I have to make more of an effort with this person, I am VERY Important to them." Then later you realize that they aren't really making an effort to see you, you aren't really that important, and it was all just bogus, so you might as well focus on the relationships that are actually meaningful.
I guess what I don't understand is, why the ruse? Is there some invisible audience I am unaware of? We don't love each other or have a meaningful relationship. We both know that (now). Who are you faking it for?

Exactly this. If someone/family is important, bottom line is you make the effort. Especially when time/money are not the concerns.

But don't keep up a charade of saying "family is important."

[Anonymous]

There are many ways to make an effort. I'm very close with my sister who lives on Long Island, which is the single worst place to drive to on the planet. We both have somewhat inflexible jobs and she has a son who plays a travel sport that eats up a lot of family vacation time.

When we do have vacation time both families actually want to vacation-- which a visit to DC or Long Island is not.

So we talk on the phone twice per week, I drive up to see her once or twice a year, and there's an all-cousins beach weekend every two years. Sometimes travel sports bring them close enough to meet up.

She doesn't drive down to see me-- she's a therapist with on-call duties at an inpatient facility and her son's sports take a lot of time.

Family means everything to her. She would walk through fire for me. I'm beyond lucky.

Life isn't black and white. People can have deep commitments that they express differently than you would want them to.

[Anonymous]

Yes that's obnoxious and selfish that they can't make a one hour plane trip to visit you once every blue moon. I am in a similar situation and you start to realize you are not their priority. What I say to myself is, given that they are the way they are, is it worth it to continue to invest the energy to visit them? In my case, the answer is yes, but it still stinks that it's not a level playing field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We don't, but SIL does. She dislikes us, goodness knows why.

This wasn't OP, right?[/quote

OP never said SIL dislikes her, that was a different poster.

Maybe posters should uses identifiers so that stories don't get mixed up. This happens a lot.

"Jan"