Is it normal to take multiple vacations but never visit family?

[Anonymous]

My SIL probably feels this way about us too. She is divorced and has a busy career. She lives about 4 hours away from MIL and FIL by car. She likes to play the martyr and visits her parents frequently but to the exclusion of forming her own life. She'll turn down a trip with friends to go visit her parents. The parents love this about her although they make comments about how she is so busy and they wish she'd make time to create a life for herself. But they never turn down her offers to visit even if they know she could be using that time to herself or to be with her friends.

We live about 10 hours away by car. Compared to SIL, it appears that we don't make an effort. We have a young kid and I have very little vacation time from work. They come to visit us about twice a year. DH is in an industry where he qualifies for free trips to great locations as an incentive and so we prefer to do that when we have the opportunity. It's our chance to have a real vacation. In laws live in a location where it is only comfortable to visit during certain times of the year otherwise you're cooped up inside the whole time due to the weather. That's not a good combination with an active 4 year old and a house full of glass.

So at this point we welcome them to come to us whenever works for them. We actually are traveling to them for the holidays because we do need to make an effort, but that's the best we can do right now. Yes, we are choosing free adults-only vacations over visiting them more often, but I won't be a martyr like SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Visiting family is not a vacation. Since you do not get along with your SIL why would you want to get together?

OP here. Who said I do not get along with my SIL?? I've never had an issue with her.

When we visit, we see multiple people and family members, so it's more of a group visit. And yes visiting family can be "boring" (but doesn't have to be that way). They know the invitation is always open, but I guess I don't understand people saying they "value family" but aren't interested in making the effort. A little bit of effort for a weekend visit can go a long way, especially when time/money aren't an issue.

Maybe SIL has read other threads on this board and is frightened to "invite" herself and face the wrath of DCUM?! Keep inviting. Maybe suggest a specific time and ask if they would be available to come then.

[Anonymous]

Why should they when you're doing all the work by going to visit them?

[Anonymous]

Where do your parents in law live? Near SIL?

[Anonymous]

Omg OP is jealous, it's really obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling and spouse take about 5 separate week-long Caribbean trips a year. They can afford it, they have the time, and that's great. Happy for them.

While they talk of visiting us (approx 1-hr direct flight) and talk of the importance of family/relatives, it never comes to fruition. Not for a single weekend, not for years. We visit about 2x annually.

Am I wrong to thing this seems maybe a little obnoxious?

Well, perhaps there is something coming from you in the conversations? Twice a year is a lot.

[Anonymous]

No one is ever wrong in their behavior with family and in laws. People are just "jealous."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Visiting family is not a vacation. Since you do not get along with your SIL why would you want to get together?

+1

[Anonymous]

They just aren't that into you. Leave them alone. You do see them. Maybe they sense your entitlement and want to avoid dealing with that when they are off from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

OP here, and this these are my thoughts. Why say family is important, and that the kids/cousins spending time with each other and develop a relationship is important, but not but action to words? It does seem like a ruse more and more. The weeks and weeks of vacations are fine, but then own it. And when we visit (planned way in advance), they also always seem to have other things planned/double-booked and we barely see them. I get people wanting to do their own thing but this seems much. Other family members are more reciprocal.

Also no, I'm not the person who talked about their SIL - that was someone else entirely.

Where do you live? I think location is key. When we lived in NYC, we had visitors ALL the time. Now that we live in DC, not so much.

Why don't you suggest a trip to the Caribbean together? No reason to be passive aggressive.

You also stated that when you visit them, you see multiple family members. Do they also have multiple people to visit when visiting you? If they have those local family members and you already visit a few times a year, that may be sufficient. Plus they may value family and local family gatherings is enough for them.

Grandparents visit us often. Siblings not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And they're traveling to the Caribbean again for Thanksgiving, have no interest in spending time with local family, or a very short travel to see us.

They do not own property there. This has got to be their 7th vacation this year?

And that's fine, but then don't say that family is important, and don't say that the cousins getting to know and spend time with one another is important, because that's bullshit.

I love to travel. We often travel Thanksgiving, Christmas break and Easter break to Caribbean. We also like to go to other places. We see family 3-4 times per year, usually one holiday for each side of the family, in the summer and they visit us when it is convenient for them.

How much do you want to see them? You sound jealous. Does it really bother you that much that they didn't join you for Thanksgiving this year?

BIL has gone to various trips on various holidays throughout the years. I could care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And they're traveling to the Caribbean again for Thanksgiving, have no interest in spending time with local family, or a very short travel to see us.

They do not own property there. This has got to be their 7th vacation this year?

And that's fine, but then don't say that family is important, and don't say that the cousins getting to know and spend time with one another is important, because that's bullshit.

Perhaps they see local family often enough and take advantage of breaks from school. We had a marvelous time on the Disney cruise last Thanksgiving. We saw my family the weekend prior to Thanksgiving Then in-laws came over to visit Christmas.

You sound really needy to people who are not even on your side of the family and live out of state close to their own local family.

[Anonymous]

My brother does this with his wife and kids. But he doesn't say a lot of stuff about how important his extended family is, so there's no hypocrisy involved. Taking vacations to cool places makes him happy and we get that.

[Anonymous]

This.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get where you are coming from. I don't know if I would call it obnoxious - it's just the way it is. Invite them over for one of the minor holidays or a long weekend. Or are they too busy for those too?

And this.

IL's do this. It's fine if you don't want to visit, but stop saying that family is important to you or that you love us. I certainly can't say it back. Just admit that you would rather do something else, and you don't care about, or really even know, your family. Why keep up the ruse?

It is annoying. But visiting family is not a vacation. I grew up being drug to aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... and hated it. Swore I would not do that to my family. It's not about money but how I value my time.