ILs who drive me nuts want to come post baby

[Anonymous]

When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell them you are in labor. Tell them they can visit when you feel up to it. And they need to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

8 year old's mom here. It's all about perspective. Remember, I am a daughter in law so I get it, but I know how much both sets of grand parents adore their grandchildren and how much they look forward to new ones. I just don't see them as the enemy/they that must be avoided. I see the reason behind their actions and that helps me tremendously. How can one be upset with anyone who dotes on their babies.
My mother in law is from a very upper class family where children were cared for by nannies and nurses. Her own mother would travel with both a nurse and a nanny when visiting my husband and his brother as kids. My MIL does nothing to help with the babies but expects to be waited on. That's just the way she's been brought up and she just doesn't know how to be any other way. She does love to have a cuddle with a clean dry baby. Father in law from a similar background. The time they spend cuddling the babies makes them so very happy- beaming from ear to ear and fussing over them, muttering to each other about which great grand mother's ears, eyes or nose they have.
I tend to stay in my room, or withdraw to the library or sitting room, especially with the twins, when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't let anything bother me.
Wrt my son, yes, I hope he and his wife will welcome me me but I will respect their wishes and hopefully read their ques.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a 24 karat witch.

[Anonymous]

OP don't let anyone guilt you into something that isn't workable for you. It sounds like you know yourself and you're clear on what you need. Having a baby is a wonderful but VERY draining and stressful time so it's perfectly fine to give yourself a little extra space and protection from things or people that make you feel frazzled. To the PP's who say "but think of the grandparents," my response is that any good and kind parent will understand their child saying that they need some time to bond with the baby. It's not a rejection of the in laws, just an acknowledgement that everyone's idea of a good birth is different and that should be respected. I say this as someone with 3 kids who took the "but they deserve to be there" approach the first time and felt very resentful when it caused a ton of extra work and stress for me, the family just wanted a photo op and I was absolutely exhausted running around cleaning up, entertaining and trying to care for a newborn 24/7. Second time around we created a bit more space for ourselves as a nuclear family and the third time even more. The third was by far the most peaceful and smooth transition because we didn't have all the chaos and drama that some family members bring (even well meaning ones). Now that baby #3 is 3 months, my IL's just came for a visit made a huge mess of the house, complained about everything and you know what, it was fine and totally tolerable because I'm more rested, not so hormonal and able to just shrug it off. We all had a nice time and they could enjoy the baby because she's more alert and smiling now so much more interactive. Set yourself up for success and decide what is honestly possible for you then go with that. Good luck and enjoy the baby!

[Anonymous]

ILs are intrusive. It's not all about the baby. You need to recover and bond and don't need to be worrying about entertaining visitors or cleaning up after them. If anything, they should be helping you cook and clean. Set clear boundaries and if they don't like it, they can pout, but it's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Do what's best for you OP but your hyper focus on cleaning is weird. Ok, they aren't as neat as you and that's definitely a fault as guests but you act as if they come in and smear feces on the wall and piss in the radiators. What, they don't clear their dishes? Fail to make their guest bed in the morning? Forget to hang up their damp towels? I mean seriously, what's so awful that you can't deal (or get DH to help)? And please don't make up shit.

[Anonymous]

Let them visit at the hospital. The nurses are great gate keeper. They can kick overstayed unwanted guest with no problems. Again when baby 3-4 months old.

[Anonymous]

+1000 to a hotel.

[Anonymous]

OP, are your in-laws local? Within driving distance? What about your parents? (And will they be welcomed?). Who will be staying with your DC when you are in labor and/or at the hospital? Your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women on this site have to be the most self-absorbed creatures on earth. These are your husband's patents. Stop being a drama queen and grow up.

Op is having a baby not a party. Any other time I would agree. If she's had a difficult time with the ILs in the past, how's not the time to play host. She needs to take care of herself and the baby first. Low stress.

[Anonymous]

Something to consider: my wise mom (of six) always told me that she'd prefer to visit for hands on help weeks after the baby is born when she was really needed. She believed and encouraged me to have as few visitors as possible, rest when the baby sleeps, just kind of bond/wing it together as a family. That's busy and stressful enough, without also having guests at your house.

Maybe compromise and have ILs visit to see the newborn, nothing else. Maybe ask them to take older sibling out so you and DH can have some time. Give them specifics.

Then, have DH explain that they can come for a longer visit later. Decide when later is and where ILs can stay. Again, specifics.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult MIL who crashed my hospital room 4 hrs post partum, wrote me an overwrought accusing email later that say, and who I eventually had to kick out of my house around a week PP because she was so impossible. Even so, I am glad she got the chance to see her grandson right after birth because in the next years she proved herself a devoted grandma and my son loves her so much. It turns out she is just really weird, not evil. I can see that her intentions are always good and authentic. If I ever had another baby I would definitely "let" her visit right away but probably would not let her stay longer than a few hours because she stresses me out so much. Basically, she has an independent relationship with my kids that does start at birth, so I have to do a certain amount of getting out of the way/taking one for the team. If she had not proven herself such a dedicated grandma I don't think I would be able to pull this off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

8 year old's mom here. It's all about perspective. Remember, I am a daughter in law so I get it, but I know how much both sets of grand parents adore their grandchildren and how much they look forward to new ones. I just don't see them as the enemy/they that must be avoided. I see the reason behind their actions and that helps me tremendously. How can one be upset with anyone who dotes on their babies.
My mother in law is from a very upper class family where children were cared for by nannies and nurses. Her own mother would travel with both a nurse and a nanny when visiting my husband and his brother as kids. My MIL does nothing to help with the babies but expects to be waited on. That's just the way she's been brought up and she just doesn't know how to be any other way. She does love to have a cuddle with a clean dry baby. Father in law from a similar background. The time they spend cuddling the babies makes them so very happy- beaming from ear to ear and fussing over them, muttering to each other about which great grand mother's ears, eyes or nose they have.
I tend to stay in my room, or withdraw to the library or sitting room, especially with the twins, when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't let anything bother me.
Wrt my son, yes, I hope he and his wife will welcome me me but I will respect their wishes and hopefully read their ques.

And how is Lord Grantham doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something to consider: my wise mom (of six) always told me that she'd prefer to visit for hands on help weeks after the baby is born when she was really needed. She believed and encouraged me to have as few visitors as possible, rest when the baby sleeps, just kind of bond/wing it together as a family. That's busy and stressful enough, without also having guests at your house.

Maybe compromise and have ILs visit to see the newborn, nothing else. Maybe ask them to take older sibling out so you and DH can have some time. Give them specifics.

Then, have DH explain that they can come for a longer visit later. Decide when later is and where ILs can stay. Again, specifics.

+1000

My wise mother encouraged me to do the same. We didn't have any overnight guests for the first two weeks while DH was on paternity leave. When he went back to work my parents came for a week then in ILs cycled through. Those first two weeks were amazing. DH had plenty of space to bond and learn the basics without being micromanaged by a well meaning MIL. He helped me when I needed help. We really became a family of three during that time.

When he went back to work I welcomed the company and the help as it was offered. MY ILs, well meaning but a little clueless were initially hurt that we asked them to wait. But by the time they came breastfeeding was going well, I was feeling really good and was happy to see them. They did lots of cuddling while I had a good long nap every day. We ordered a lot of pizza that week. In the long run the short delay did NOT get in the way of anyone bonding with their granddaughter/niece. Eight years on younger members of DH's family have followed our lead.