ILs who drive me nuts want to come post baby

[Anonymous]

I am just concerned that if my DH ever reads this, he is going to think I posted it about his parents and our experiences.

OP in my identical experience, my IL's were too self-absorbed to ever be really caring grandparents, so all their b*tching about having to hold the baby in the hospital was all for nothing b/c they of course didn't even remember b/c it's all about them. So let them try and convince you you're they crazy one who's just so uptight and full of needless worry. Set some firm limits and stick to them; it won't change their relationship with the grandkids b/c these types of people are not built to form real relationships with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs are intrusive. It's not all about the baby. You need to recover and bond and don't need to be worrying about entertaining visitors or cleaning up after them. If anything, they should be helping you cook and clean. Set clear boundaries and if they don't like it, they can pout, but it's not your problem.

this. my motto is if you aren't going to be helpful, be quiet and out of the way.

when my dh was recovering from major surgery, MIL and SIL came by to visit and check on him. i had just finished making lunch for dh and me. SIL had the nerve to walk in and say- "oh good, you made lunch." and helped herself to a full plate, leaving no leftovers. i thought that was BEYOND rude. don't you think i have enough of my plate trying to keep up the house, cook a healthy meal, and care for dh? i would never come empty handed to someone's home after surgery and actually eat their food. i made a mental note then and there that she will likely be a very unhelpful/annoying aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

8 year old's mom here. It's all about perspective. Remember, I am a daughter in law so I get it, but I know how much both sets of grand parents adore their grandchildren and how much they look forward to new ones. I just don't see them as the enemy/they that must be avoided. I see the reason behind their actions and that helps me tremendously. How can one be upset with anyone who dotes on their babies.
My mother in law is from a very upper class family where children were cared for by nannies and nurses. Her own mother would travel with both a nurse and a nanny when visiting my husband and his brother as kids. My MIL does nothing to help with the babies but expects to be waited on. That's just the way she's been brought up and she just doesn't know how to be any other way. She does love to have a cuddle with a clean dry baby. Father in law from a similar background. The time they spend cuddling the babies makes them so very happy- beaming from ear to ear and fussing over them, muttering to each other about which great grand mother's ears, eyes or nose they have.
I tend to stay in my room, or withdraw to the library or sitting room, especially with the twins, when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't let anything bother me.
Wrt my son, yes, I hope he and his wife will welcome me me but I will respect their wishes and hopefully read their ques.

And how is Lord Grantham doing?

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. My MIL is a handful, too. She certainly means well and adores her grandchildren, but her judgment is a bit off and she undermines our rules constantly. Her being around makes more work and stress for DH and me. Just tell the ILs to come out 2-3 weeks after baby is born so that you can settle in and get a handle on things. Play it it up like it will be a better visit for them because the initial chaos will (hopefully) have died down, the newborn dr appointments will be out of the way, you'll be on the road to recovery and they will be able to spend more quality time with everyone.

[Anonymous]

There's a special place in hell for people who impose on the mother of a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

8 year old's mom here. It's all about perspective. Remember, I am a daughter in law so I get it, but I know how much both sets of grand parents adore their grandchildren and how much they look forward to new ones. I just don't see them as the enemy/they that must be avoided. I see the reason behind their actions and that helps me tremendously. How can one be upset with anyone who dotes on their babies.
My mother in law is from a very upper class family where children were cared for by nannies and nurses. Her own mother would travel with both a nurse and a nanny when visiting my husband and his brother as kids. My MIL does nothing to help with the babies but expects to be waited on. That's just the way she's been brought up and she just doesn't know how to be any other way. She does love to have a cuddle with a clean dry baby. Father in law from a similar background. The time they spend cuddling the babies makes them so very happy- beaming from ear to ear and fussing over them, muttering to each other about which great grand mother's ears, eyes or nose they have.
I tend to stay in my room, or withdraw to the library or sitting room, especially with the twins, when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't let anything bother me.
Wrt my son, yes, I hope he and his wife will welcome me me but I will respect their wishes and hopefully read their ques.

That's fantastic. You are obviously a better person than everyone else who sometimes struggles to keep themselves sane while also trying to make sure that the other people in their lives are accommodated.

[Anonymous]

I am a mother of 3 and can tell you that after birth, when I had my top off nearly half the time trying to get breastfeeding going, I had enormous gushes of blood out of my personal region, and was carrying so much water I could've been drained into a Great Lake, the last thing I needed was to have people staying in my house who can't pick up after themselves. If they had to be literally kicked out of your hospital room last time by the LC, they aren't good guests. You get to decide. Don't feel guilt about it.

[Anonymous]

If I'm going to deal with entitled rich in-laws at difficult times, they'd better be extremely generous with their ample cash.

[Anonymous]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[Anonymous]

Hotel. For this visit and all future ones. And when they come over to visit from the hotel, you set the times. Set a block of time that works for you. They are not to hang around your house all day. Make your DH enforce this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hotel. For this visit and all future ones. And when they come over to visit from the hotel, you set the times. Set a block of time that works for you. They are not to hang around your house all day. Make your DH enforce this.

God, you people are batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you have a baby your plate is full with infant care, self care and recovery, supporting the older sibling in bonding and feeling included, getting the hang of managing this new situation with your spouse, and when possible, keeping connected with your spouse.

Anyone who can and is willing to help you with any of these four imperatives could be a welcome house guest.

Anyone who knows how to be around you without interfering with these non-negotiable goals should be a welcome visitor, at least for a few hours at a time.

You don't have to cater to people who make your life tougher. With a new baby to care for, you don't need to be cleaning up after slobs or dealing with the emotional stress or resentment of people treating you poorly.

If your in laws make more work when they stay, then your husband should tell them they can stay in a hotel and come for a few hours per day, then make sure they don't make your life harder while they are there.

With all due respect to the mother of the 8-year-old who is already planning to complain if your future daughter in law doesn't cater to you when she has a baby, now is a great time to rethink whether you want to be so selfish. Someday your children might marry and have kids. Their priority will be to look after their kids and be there for their spouses. Don't make them fight over you because you feel entitled to impose.

8 year old's mom here. It's all about perspective. Remember, I am a daughter in law so I get it, but I know how much both sets of grand parents adore their grandchildren and how much they look forward to new ones. I just don't see them as the enemy/they that must be avoided. I see the reason behind their actions and that helps me tremendously. How can one be upset with anyone who dotes on their babies.
My mother in law is from a very upper class family where children were cared for by nannies and nurses. Her own mother would travel with both a nurse and a nanny when visiting my husband and his brother as kids. My MIL does nothing to help with the babies but expects to be waited on. That's just the way she's been brought up and she just doesn't know how to be any other way. She does love to have a cuddle with a clean dry baby. Father in law from a similar background. The time they spend cuddling the babies makes them so very happy- beaming from ear to ear and fussing over them, muttering to each other about which great grand mother's ears, eyes or nose they have.
I tend to stay in my room, or withdraw to the library or sitting room, especially with the twins, when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't let anything bother me.
Wrt my son, yes, I hope he and his wife will welcome me me but I will respect their wishes and hopefully read their ques.

And how is Lord Grantham doing?

you get a gold star

[Anonymous]

They don't have to come the second you give birth. You can tell them to come a few weeks later. Your kid won't stop being adorable