ILs who drive me nuts want to come post baby

[Anonymous]

I am like oil and water with my in laws, they drive me effing crazy. I would say the two main issues I have are the fact that they are slobs who just destroy my house (leave shit everywhere, are just generally very messy people while I like the house to be clean) and they also do not have a good understanding of personal space, making me feel totally suffocated at all times. With my first, they came for her birth but it was drama central when I didn't want them in the hospital room at all times. I remember one particular fight that ensued because they felt very offended that I asked them to leave the room while working with the lactation consultant while trying to learn to breastfeed (see issue two: no understanding of personal space).

Trying to figure out the best time to have them come after birth of #2. I am under no illusions that they will lift a finger to help with #1 during this time, because that's never going to happen. Would it be better to have them come while I am still in the hospital with an understanding that visits will be limited and brief? My only concern is that if I'm not at home to follow them around the house cleaning up, my house will look like a pigsty and I know myself well enough to know that I will be very upset coming home to that with a newborn when I'm already hormonal and not at my best. But if I have them come later, I'll have to deal with them around all the time which could be even worse. How do others handle this? Tell them they can come while I'm in the hospital but they have to stay at a hotel?

[Anonymous]

Have them come while you're in the hospital. Get a housecleaner to come after they leave and before you return home.

[Anonymous]

Hotel

[Anonymous]

DH?

[Anonymous]

Praying my son (only 8) meets an accommodating wife in the future. I know you say your in laws are messy but it seems in laws can't do right for doing wrong on this board. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I've had 4 kids (3 births) and each time I've known it would give both sets of parents so much joy to share the process with us. It's 1-2 weeks in your life. It is a stressful, yes (try doing it with 31 week premie twins and a 32 wk premie-my first). There are just some things in life that you grin and bear for the joy of others.
I was beyond discombobulated, particularly with the twins, and still battling the effects of pre-eclampsia, ugh, but I smiled through the whole process knowing they were just so chuffed to be with their new grandchildren and that "this too shall pass". If you want to limit the time actually spent with them, have them come during your confinement and have your husband bring in a cleaner on the day before you arrive from hospital, And perhaps weekly until everything calms down.
Trust me, I know it's hard but "big picture" and congratulations on the soon to be new arrival.

[Anonymous]

Find them a nice hotel near your house, tell them they are welcome any time.
Unfortunately there is the small matter that there is no extra key to your house, so they will not be able to access your house if you are not inside.
And naturally staying in your house is regrettably impossible, given that you now have two children and are a recovering post-partum mother.
But you love having them near you and are so looking forward to their visit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Praying my son (only 8) meets an accommodating wife in the future. I know you say your in laws are messy but it seems in laws can't do right for doing wrong on this board. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I've had 4 kids (3 births) and each time I've known it would give both sets of parents so much joy to share the process with us. It's 1-2 weeks in your life. It is a stressful, yes (try doing it with 31 week premie twins and a 32 wk premie-my first). There are just some things in life that you grin and bear for the joy of others.
I was beyond discombobulated, particularly with the twins, and still battling the effects of pre-eclampsia, ugh, but I smiled through the whole process knowing they were just so chuffed to be with their new grandchildren and that "this too shall pass". If you want to limit the time actually spent with them, have them come during your confinement and have your husband bring in a cleaner on the day before you arrive from hospital, And perhaps weekly until everything calms down.
Trust me, I know it's hard but "big picture" and congratulations on the soon to be new arrival.

"Confinement," m'lady?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Praying my son (only 8) meets an accommodating wife in the future. I know you say your in laws are messy but it seems in laws can't do right for doing wrong on this board. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I've had 4 kids (3 births) and each time I've known it would give both sets of parents so much joy to share the process with us. It's 1-2 weeks in your life. It is a stressful, yes (try doing it with 31 week premie twins and a 32 wk premie-my first). There are just some things in life that you grin and bear for the joy of others.
I was beyond discombobulated, particularly with the twins, and still battling the effects of pre-eclampsia, ugh, but I smiled through the whole process knowing they were just so chuffed to be with their new grandchildren and that "this too shall pass". If you want to limit the time actually spent with them, have them come during your confinement and have your husband bring in a cleaner on the day before you arrive from hospital, And perhaps weekly until everything calms down.
Trust me, I know it's hard but "big picture" and congratulations on the soon to be new arrival.

Well, you sound lovely indeed. Some people are not as accommodating as your good self, yet they are decent folk. Some houseguests are people from hell, whom you can't just smile at and throw a weekly cleaning crew at.
So in your delightful southern hostess way, you might just want to accept that other people have different family dynamics and need to take steps to protect themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Praying my son (only 8) meets an accommodating wife in the future. I know you say your in laws are messy but it seems in laws can't do right for doing wrong on this board. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I've had 4 kids (3 births) and each time I've known it would give both sets of parents so much joy to share the process with us. It's 1-2 weeks in your life. It is a stressful, yes (try doing it with 31 week premie twins and a 32 wk premie-my first). There are just some things in life that you grin and bear for the joy of others.
I was beyond discombobulated, particularly with the twins, and still battling the effects of pre-eclampsia, ugh, but I smiled through the whole process knowing they were just so chuffed to be with their new grandchildren and that "this too shall pass". If you want to limit the time actually spent with them, have them come during your confinement and have your husband bring in a cleaner on the day before you arrive from hospital, And perhaps weekly until everything calms down.
Trust me, I know it's hard but "big picture" and congratulations on the soon to be new arrival.

Responding to this because it does seem like you are a caring person who would probably be a great MIL since you think about the feelings of others (OP here). Somehow I do not think that people like you are the MILs you hear about on this board! I had a long term relationship before my DH and got along fabulously with my boyfriend's parents- they would have been amazing in laws. I think a lot about the in law relationship (whether dealing with a DIL or a SIL) just has to do with common courtesy, good manners and social cues. It's not shocking that I don't want them near my home when I have to literally follow them around cleaning up as they sit and stare at me. Or that I don't want them coming for the birth of my second child when they threw a fit about not having 24/7 access to baby the first time around, to the point that the LC had to ask them to please leave my hospital room. It's a give and take. If they were normal, polite people with boundaries and an understanding of social norms, there would be no problem. But with things as they are? I would not get along with them if they were my coworkers, neighbors, or the people in front of me in line at the grocery store. And I do think this goes both ways- my own mother is a total pain in the ass most of the time and my DH doesn't get along with her either. No surprise there! If people would just act normally, or even fake acting normally, their daughters and sons in law wouldn't hate them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Find them a nice hotel near your house, tell them they are welcome any time.
Unfortunately there is the small matter that there is no extra key to your house, so they will not be able to access your house if you are not inside.
And naturally staying in your house is regrettably impossible, given that you now have two children and are a recovering post-partum mother.
But you love having them near you and are so looking forward to their visit!

+1

Any visit during maternity leave needs to be at a hotel, in the situation you described.

How far away do they live? Do they drive or fly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Praying my son (only 8) meets an accommodating wife in the future. I know you say your in laws are messy but it seems in laws can't do right for doing wrong on this board. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I've had 4 kids (3 births) and each time I've known it would give both sets of parents so much joy to share the process with us. It's 1-2 weeks in your life. It is a stressful, yes (try doing it with 31 week premie twins and a 32 wk premie-my first). There are just some things in life that you grin and bear for the joy of others.
I was beyond discombobulated, particularly with the twins, and still battling the effects of pre-eclampsia, ugh, but I smiled through the whole process knowing they were just so chuffed to be with their new grandchildren and that "this too shall pass". If you want to limit the time actually spent with them, have them come during your confinement and have your husband bring in a cleaner on the day before you arrive from hospital, And perhaps weekly until everything calms down.
Trust me, I know it's hard but "big picture" and congratulations on the soon to be new arrival.

Responding to this because it does seem like you are a caring person who would probably be a great MIL since you think about the feelings of others (OP here). Somehow I do not think that people like you are the MILs you hear about on this board! I had a long term relationship before my DH and got along fabulously with my boyfriend's parents- they would have been amazing in laws. I think a lot about the in law relationship (whether dealing with a DIL or a SIL) just has to do with common courtesy, good manners and social cues. It's not shocking that I don't want them near my home when I have to literally follow them around cleaning up as they sit and stare at me. Or that I don't want them coming for the birth of my second child when they threw a fit about not having 24/7 access to baby the first time around, to the point that the LC had to ask them to please leave my hospital room. It's a give and take. If they were normal, polite people with boundaries and an understanding of social norms, there would be no problem. But with things as they are? I would not get along with them if they were my coworkers, neighbors, or the people in front of me in line at the grocery store. And I do think this goes both ways- my own mother is a total pain in the ass most of the time and my DH doesn't get along with her either. No surprise there! If people would just act normally, or even fake acting normally, their daughters and sons in law wouldn't hate them!

Well said, OP. It sounds like you know what you are dealing with and can deal accordingly.

What does your DH say? I think having them come for one brief hospital visit and then a weekend around 6-10 weeks is probably your best bet.

[Anonymous]

Women on this site have to be the most self-absorbed creatures on earth. These are your husband's patents. Stop being a drama queen and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women on this site have to be the most self-absorbed creatures on earth. These are your husband's patents. Stop being a drama queen and grow up.

I'd say ILs who don't clean up after themselves and won't respect basic boundaries involving partial nudity are self-absorbed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Find them a nice hotel near your house, tell them they are welcome any time.
Unfortunately there is the small matter that there is no extra key to your house, so they will not be able to access your house if you are not inside.
And naturally staying in your house is regrettably impossible, given that you now have two children and are a recovering post-partum mother.
But you love having them near you and are so looking forward to their visit!

This. Hotel for sure. And have your DH be the one following them around asking them to please put that in the trash/in the dishwasher/ Etc. After my first was born, my ILs came to visit and FIL was eating pistachios and leaving the shells and that paper-y crumb stuff on our floor. Right on the carpet in our living room, and had no intention of cleaning it up. DH had to chat with them.

[Anonymous]

This is always such a difficult thing and there are no good answers. The idea thing would be to let them come for a drive-by visit when you are in the hospital, then they come and stay at a hotel for a longer visit when the baby is 2-3 weeks old. I do think that no matter how terrible the ILs are, it is cruel not to even let them see the newborn. But on the other hand I realize that some ILs will be dead set on stomping on any boundaries you set up, or will complain if they can't move into the hospital room with you ...