I worry he's a narcissist just like my ex.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry about your ex. He sounds very controlling. You are right to fear getting involved again with someone so controlling and abusive.

[Anonymous]

I give OP some credit that she waited a year before dating seriously again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give OP some credit that she waited a year before dating seriously again.

too busy drinking, i think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give OP some credit that she waited a year before dating seriously again.

too busy drinking, i think.

That's not necessary. Most of the women on this site would probably have nervous breakdowns if there was a sudden cutoff of the country's wine supply (I'm not one of them).

[Anonymous]

OP it is very smart of you to watch for repeating the same mistake twice. There are some red flags in your comments about him. Here are some other ones to look out for.

How does he treat people? Waiters, busboys, service people etc. have you ever caught him being rude or talking down to them? This happened with my ex and I brushed it off in the beginning.

What is this guys background? Does he come from a nice loving home, or are his parents divorced...any abuse or other reasons that would make him more likely to be a narcissist.

Does he try to overtly have the attention of everyone if you go out with friends? Throws money at things to impress other people?

Has he asked you about exes and wants detailed information on all of them? this is where the jealousy part comes in.

Maybe you need to cool off a bit and see how he reacts. Sounds like you are getting swept away again. He can't keep up the facade forever if he is truly a narcissist...sooner or later he will break. I also think you need to get off the "I could see myself marrying him" bandwagon. Its only been a few months.

I think its smart to look out for yourself. Now that you are aware of the signs - you will know deep down if there is a problem - its whether or not you choose to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. That drinking comment was unnecessary. You sound like a controlling douche pp. I hardly would call having 1-2 glasses of wine once a month drinking too much.

To the other pp. He he is very kind to friends, strangers, etc. He does throw money at things. He comes from a decent family. I didn't have a good upbringing, so I don't really judge that. Some things like that are beyond one's control.

He has said he loves me already. That kind of freaked me out.

[Anonymous]

So what OP? Guys are a dime a dozen. If you wanted to, you could meet someone else in 24 hours.

[Anonymous]

I think the 3-4 month mark is pretty typical for saying ILY. I don't think that's too early. If he said it within the for 6 weeks or so I'd run like hell.

The bottom line to all of this is that you have found someone that you like who likes you - great! That's half the battle. The other half is getting to know one another, which can only be done over time.

It's time to sit back, enjoy yourself but know that you are really watching to see how this unfolds. For example - watch to ensure that his words match his actions, he follows through on things he says that he will do for you and in his life. Watch how he treats others.

You're basically like a scientist collecting data points right now. Just collect the information as you go. There's no need to rush anything.

If you feel that you love him, you can say it back. If you're not there yet, tell him to bear with you while you get there too.

Date him for at least a year before you make any decisions about the future together and have a decently long engagement - you're still learning about one another during this time.

And remember, relationships are negotiated. See how well he bends for your needs and you bend for his.

Basically, things sound good, but you don't have nearly enough data to make any decisions about a future with anyone. Let things progress and evaluate as you go. The good news is you don't have to make any decisions any time soon and all decisions about whether to be with him or not are fully in your control.

[Anonymous]

I would take it slow - how he respects your pace will tell a lot about him.

If you don't say "I love you" back, does he get upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take it slow - how he respects your pace will tell a lot about him.

If you don't say "I love you" back, does he get upset?

I don't recommend tests like this. OP would be turning into the controlling narcissist she fears.

OP, continue on with your current boyfriend. If he starts to engage in controlling behavior, leave. That is all you can do in any relationship.

You are understandably anxious. You have gotten burned. But being afraid of relationships is life-limiting. Protect yourself by not sticking around when you are being abused and controlled. That's not the same as living in a state of perpetual fear and anxiety.

Try some mindfulness exercises, which will teach you the difference between constantly feeling like a tiger is on your tail and being appropriately vigilant. I think that's your real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would take it slow - how he respects your pace will tell a lot about him.

If you don't say "I love you" back, does he get upset?

I don't recommend tests like this. OP would be turning into the controlling narcissist she fears.

OP, continue on with your current boyfriend. If he starts to engage in controlling behavior, leave. That is all you can do in any relationship.

You are understandably anxious. You have gotten burned. But being afraid of relationships is life-limiting. Protect yourself by not sticking around when you are being abused and controlled. That's not the same as living in a state of perpetual fear and anxiety.

Try some mindfulness exercises, which will teach you the difference between constantly feeling like a tiger is on your tail and being appropriately vigilant. I think that's your real problem.

I didn't mean it as a test, just a question - how did he react when you didn't say "I love you"? I don't think she should be testing him, absolutely not.

I think it's really important to listen to your gut. I know it's hard to trust it after being blindsided as you were in your prior relationship, OP.
So just take it slow. Stay connected to your own life, your friendships, goals and interests. And listen to your gut. You said he's eager to "lock you down" - that could mean he's really into you, which is very normal in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it could also be a red flag. It's all in the details.
If you could share more, that might give us a better idea of the dynamic, and whether there's something off with this guy or you are just feeling overly gun-shy from your prior relationship. How early did he profess his love? What do you mean by he's trying to "lock you down"?

Regardless, I would continue to enjoy the relationship, take it slow and listen to that gut. My friend in a similar situation got a really good therapist who she saw weekly and it helped her through the process of trusting and listening to her gut again, especially when she started dating again.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this guy has done literally nothing wrong. Sad that this somehow makes him suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this guy has done literally nothing wrong. Sad that this somehow makes him suspicious.

Call it a hunch, but he does sound like a control freak in the making. I've met a few, and it always started with a rosy picture. If he sounds too good to be true, he is.

OP, there is nothing wrong with giving this man a fair chance. Especially, if you are young and not in a hurry to settle down. But keep yourself in check, so that you are able to walk away if things go south. If you think you amy need therapy to deal with your own issues, make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[<...>You said he's eager to "lock you down" - that could mean he's really into you, which is very normal in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it could also be a red flag.

Depends on what OP means by lockdown. I can see an exclusive relationship, but if he's pushing marriage, it's strange. Too soon for a mentally stable young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this guy has done literally nothing wrong. Sad that this somehow makes him suspicious.

Yeah. What the hell?