I worry he's a narcissist just like my ex.

[Anonymous]

I am dating a guy for a few months. He's good looking, smart, a gentleman, good job, good-hearted, and good values. He treats me very well, and we seem to mesh so easily. It's been great but I have doubts. My last boyfriend was a narcissist and was just like this in the beginning. I took a year off and met him. We became exclusive quickly, and he always wants to see me. He doesn't exhibit any bad behavior, but my ex didn't for a few months into our relationship. I really like this guy and he's a guy I would want to marry. All his friends speak very highly of him. He's never treated me badly. The sex is freakin incredible.

He treats me to fancy dinners on a whim, and can't stop trying to impress me. He really supports my future goals ( Pharmacist + have a family). I love it and he seems to be the perfect guy for me. I'm just so afraid that I'm blinded, and I will have another narcissist on my hands. How can I stop worrying about thi, or find out?

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the typos. On my phone and tipsy! I love him already, but my ex was so eager to lock me down. I see the same with him. He says it's because I'm everything he wants but it worries me so much.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are ready to date. This isn't fair to him, OP.

And frankly, everyone is a "narcissist." You don't really explain what that meant in your last relationship or what happened or what was bad. Everyone is entitled to look out for him or herself.

You sound terribly anxious. Anxiety can be as hard to deal with, if not more so, than narcissism.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but please get help for your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Wanting to lock you down after only a few months is a red flag. How does he know you're everything he wants? He barely even knows you. Maybe he's narcissistic and maybe not, but wanting to get serious (move in, married) quickly is on every list I've read of controlling relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanting to lock you down after only a few months is a red flag. How does he know you're everything he wants? He barely even knows you. Maybe he's narcissistic and maybe not, but wanting to get serious (move in, married) quickly is on every list I've read of controlling relationships.

Where do you get that from her post?

[Anonymous]

OP, what were some of the narcissistic qualities your ex showed after the initial "honeymoon" phase?

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy, maybe as a couple, and then you can feel confident about getting more serious.

[Anonymous]

1. How old are you two?

2. Exactly how long have you been together?

3. People in relationships are supposed to treat you well and be good people that's not a bonus.


4. How do you mesh on important things beyond he supports your goals and wants kids? Do you support his dreams and goals? Do you know what his goals are?


5. Do you know how he reacts when things aren't going his way?

Mainly I think you need to slow down and give him time to show himself.

If you haven't been to therapy over your last relationship -go!

[Anonymous]

Its not him, its you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not him, its you!

This.

OP, either you keep dating the same kind of guy, or you keep THINKING the people you're dating are the same kind of guy, even when they aren't.

In either case, the problem (or opportunity to fix) is you.

I trust you're old enough to know the only person in life you can fix is you. You have a choosing problem, or an interpretation problem. So fix it.

[Anonymous]

Just take your time. Don't rush into engagement or marriage. The truth will out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy for a few months. He's good looking, smart, a gentleman, good job, good-hearted, and good values. He treats me very well, and we seem to mesh so easily. It's been great but I have doubts. My last boyfriend was a narcissist and was just like this in the beginning. I took a year off and met him. We became exclusive quickly, and he always wants to see me. He doesn't exhibit any bad behavior, but my ex didn't for a few months into our relationship. I really like this guy and he's a guy I would want to marry. All his friends speak very highly of him. He's never treated me badly. The sex is freakin incredible.

He treats me to fancy dinners on a whim, and can't stop trying to impress me. He really supports my future goals ( Pharmacist + have a family). I love it and he seems to be the perfect guy for me. I'm just so afraid that I'm blinded, and I will have another narcissist on my hands. How can I stop worrying about thi, or find out?

From your second post: Sorry for the typos. On my phone and tipsy! I love him already, but my ex was so eager to lock me down. I see the same with him. He says it's because I'm everything he wants but it worries me so much.

The red flags are there but there are just as many that are about you as are about him --

You -- drink too much (tipsy and drunk-DCUMing), bad prior relationship with not that much time off and no indication of counseling, focused on unimportant things like looks and money (fancy dinners, being impressed), it's only been a few months and yet you are already thinking you could marry him.

Him -- only been a few months and always wants to see you, is trying to impress you with fancy dinners, etc.

Maybe he is just a nice guy, maybe he is putting on a show until you are hooked. Either way you need to slow it WAY down. Have you gotten any counseling post-narcissist? Why are you allowing this "impress me" dynamic to exist? Is he just as happy and interested doing un-impressing things like taking a walk or having a picnic? Is he just as happy to spend time with you when you initiate what the plans are and when they're low key. Why are you so focused on what his friends say, when you should be talking directly to him? Have you talked about your previous relationships and his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are ready to date. This isn't fair to him, OP.

And frankly, everyone is a "narcissist." You don't really explain what that meant in your last relationship or what happened or what was bad. Everyone is entitled to look out for him or herself.

You sound terribly anxious. Anxiety can be as hard to deal with, if not more so, than narcissism.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but please get help for your anxiety.

This seriously sounds like excellent advice.

OP - was your ex an actual, honest-to-god, diagnosed by a professional Narcissist? Or was he just an ass an you've labelled him that way? As the PP says, everyone has some narcissistic traits - they are necessary and part of a healthy self image. It's only a personality disorder when they are too extreme (and there are some other things lacking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy for a few months. He's good looking, smart, a gentleman, good job, good-hearted, and good values. He treats me very well, and we seem to mesh so easily. It's been great but I have doubts. My last boyfriend was a narcissist and was just like this in the beginning. I took a year off and met him. We became exclusive quickly, and he always wants to see me. He doesn't exhibit any bad behavior, but my ex didn't for a few months into our relationship. I really like this guy and he's a guy I would want to marry. All his friends speak very highly of him. He's never treated me badly. The sex is freakin incredible.

He treats me to fancy dinners on a whim, and can't stop trying to impress me. He really supports my future goals ( Pharmacist + have a family). I love it and he seems to be the perfect guy for me. I'm just so afraid that I'm blinded, and I will have another narcissist on my hands. How can I stop worrying about thi, or find out?

Hmm. Who's the narcissist, again?

[Anonymous]

Op here. There are many people that posted, so I am going to try to reply to as much as I can.

- I am getting treated for anxiety. I don't have it badly, and it only started while dating a my ex. I do see a therapist for it.

- My ex was a true narcissist. Started off nice until he became every controlling. Had to know my every move, tried to isolate my from friends that he disliked, talked badly about everyone ( overweight, ugly, uneducated, etc.). He thought highly of himself and put everyone down ( even his own family). He tried to make my goals his ( basically telling me when I will get married/have kids, etc.). Every time something happened or I stood up for myself, he would become very defensive, blame it on me, then berate me. He was very pushy with his wants/needs, and mine never mattered. He lied all the time. He was emotionally and mentally very abusive. There is so much more but I won't get into it.

- We have been dating for 3 months ( known him for about 4). So far things have wen going well but I guess I'm scared it will end up like my last ex. We do have similar goals, and get along very well. I don't think it's him per say. I think it's more just the fear of any guy I date becoming like my ex.

Up until my ex, I had good relationships. I never feared this. My ex was a awesome guy until about the 6 month mark. Then everything started going downhill.

F.y.i - Thanks for being the drinking police. I don't drink much, maybe once a month or so. I love how you assume I drink too much just because I happened to be tipsy while posting this. I didn't know there was a no drinking policy to post.