Reply to Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Hi OP.

I am sorry. I've been in the same boat. I was repulsed and disgusted by everything about DH. Him touching me physically caused me pain. It was resentment, anger, and hurt causing it. Seriously. You have to do some work first on yourself to figure out exactly what the problem is. Reading your comments I am seeing a lot of resentment due to the fact that you feel you are solo parenting, solo-housekeeping, and having to manage your husband's contributions to the house because he doesn't know what to do (or can't do it right/to your standards). There might be other things you aren't sharing here. Probably. It usually isn't just one-dimensional.

You feel unappreciated. Maybe you actually are unappreciated. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show you. You don't go on dates anymore. No husband/wife alone time. Except when he's touching you, grabbing you, which is repulsive to you, and that sucks.

Plus, you ARE are putting everything else in front of your relationship with your husband. You listed a TON of things you are doing for the house and family, and nothing you are doing with or for your husband.  It cannot last. Your relationship can't sustain that neglect (but, your house can).

You need to get some help. Both physical and emotional. Physical help to take care of the house and child. Outsource. Pay for somebody to do your laundry or tidying up or whatever. And then the emotional help you need to see a therapist and work out your issues. Together or alone.

Also, read some marriage books/blogs/advice. Lots of good stuff out there. Marriagebuilders, 5 love languages, etc. etc. Google & Amazon are your friend.

But if you continue on this path ... You'll either have an affair (or he will, or you both will) or you'll divorce.

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Its hard to f*** someone you resent. You need to go to counseling and invest some time in your relationship. I know it sucks to hear that since you will need to add that to the list of things to do. And you probably will need to be the one who initiates it. Unfortunately and fortunately, this is part of marriage. There will be times when you need to carry the whole family on your back. There will be times when he will need to do so. The more you can strive for some sort of balance, the more tolerable the journey.

Another thing to keep in mind, if your husband truly is a "do nothing" in the way you describe, he may be going through something internally himself as well. There is probably an issue with depression or low feelings of self worth. I say this as someone who has been the DH in this situation, and has seen my DW do everything while I sat back.  This isn't something you can force him to address or even explore, but it probably become unearthed during marriage counseling.

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