Any moms out there walk away and give custody to dad?
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Anonymous
Your daughter will not be better off without you, OP, and you won't be better off without her. I was an easily frustrated stressed out mom before my divorce. I felt like I never got to enjoy my DD because every part of our relationship was transactional - doctor appointments, sick days, school stuff, making sure she was up and dressed at the right time, to school at the right time, had dinner at an appropriate hour. I did ALL of those things and my husband did none of them. The result was the he got all the fun stuff and I got all the work. When we separated, we agreed to 50/50 custody. I won't get into what the schedule was, but we traded off weekends, so every other weekend and a couple nights during the week, I had down time. He was responsible for 50% of the doctor's appointments. He was responsible for 50% of the sick days and snow days. I learned how to prioritize relaxation time with DD in addition to the logistical stuff, and I also got enough time to myself that I didn't feel as overwhelmed. There are times when I feel sad that I do not get her all the time, but I am happy with the balance we have now. It has forced both my ex and me to step up - him to the logistics and me to the fun. It sounds like you are depressed. I would strongly encourage you to get some help for that. I took Wellbutrin for a couple of years and it helped immensely. |
Anonymous
| Do whatever is best for your DD, not you or your DH. |
Anonymous
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Echoing PPs -- you are depressed. It is all over your words. "She would be better off without me" is obviously coming from a place of self-loathing and sadness. Don't make this decision until you've had therapy, and please get therapy ASAP, because (and I speak from experience) it is a very short walk from "my family would be better off without me" to "the world would be better off without me."
Listen, the world needs you. I don't know what for, but you're here, so there must be a reason. Your daughter obviously needs you, or you wouldn't be her mom. Get help. It's the right thing to do and the strong thing to do. Leaving (via abandonment or worse) is the coward's way out. |
Anonymous
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Please go see a therapist if you aren't going already.
I felt this way when I was in a deep, deep depression. I felt like I was a terrible person who was only causing pain to everyone. That everyone sincerely would be better off without me. I even had a suicide plan and fantasized about the amazing woman my husband would marry next who be such a better mom than I ever could be. I believed it to my core. Mine was post-partum depression that I got through finally after about 14 months or so. But I know the feeling. And you know what, you are the only mom your kid has. Your kid will need you, and need you to be the best person you can be. I cannot imagine the psychic pain a child must go through when a parent leaves, but please, please consider that you are not a bad person. Maybe some of the things you have done are not good, but that doesn't make you bad. It's not black and white. And if you go to therapy and perhaps consider meds, you will start to see that you can get better and can be someone who is an amazing influence on your child. |
Anonymous
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I'll go against the grain here and say yes, your daughter may be better off with her father. You still need to be in her life though.
Just because you gave birth doesn't mean you are the mothering type. |
Anonymous
| Hmm. I think it is reasonable to conclude that the other parent may be a better candidate for primary physical custody, but it sounds like more than that is going on here. You say you think your daughter would be better off without you in her life - I'm going to agree with other posters and say that sounds like you are depressed. I would not make this decision without talking to a therapist first to figure out what is going on. |
Anonymous
Some women do, yes. I think it's unfair to crucify women for this moreso than we do men. My only advice is to sit with this some more and talk and think it through some more. |
Anonymous
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My mother did this. In the seventies, I was one of a handful of kids being raised by their dads that I knew--all of us had alive moms that were in the picture, but not the custodial parent.
The reasons ranged from "finding oneself" to career choices to mental illness. It is interesting though, although it was an unusual choice, I think our mothers were less stigmatized for it than mothers would be today. For me, it was the best situation--my mom was mentally ill. But my best friend's mom was just the parent with less money, as far as I know. She saw her kids on the weekends and lived about ten blocks away from the family in a small apartment. They are all still very close. I think you, OP, should get some counseling, but your decision is also not beyond the pale. Why shouldn't women have this option? |
Anonymous
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My DH's ex-wife did it. The kids were 4 and 7. We petitioned the court for custody and won. She pretty much checked out as "mom" from that point. She isn't a drug user or mentally ill. She just doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She saw them a couple of times a year when they were younger. They are adults now and while she will never be "mom" (I am), they are on good terms with her. She is more like a close friend.
It actually worked out well for everyone in our case. I inherited two beautiful children and she got to "find herself", whatever that means. We have five between us all raised as siblings. There was no back and forth visitation. No child support drama. We looked and functioned like a traditional family. |
Anonymous
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Agree with others - therapy, parenting coaching - there are lots of means out there for improving your relationship with your DD. And we all have room for improvement.
I think your self-esteem has been deeply affected by your marriage and this is not the time to make such an important decision without therapy and support. |
Anonymous
PP, this does sound like it worked out well, but you are not one of the kids and don't know how they really feel inside. If I had an awesome stepmom like you, I would go out of my way to make sure you never knew about the heartache that my bio mom caused me -- but I would still be feeling that heartbreak on the inside. OP, I speak from experience when I say that you sound very depressed. Get psychiatric help now. You actually can "take a break" from parenting -- and concentrate on your mental health. I say this as someone was has been in-patient in the psych ward and it was what I needed. Even if divorce is ultimately the right choice for you, you need to be mentally healthy first before making any decisions. |
Anonymous
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Another voice to second the other posters suggesting that you get yourself to a therapist and on anti-depressants NOW. In 3 months, revisit this question.
I am happy to hear that the DCUM hive mind agrees -- your OP contains major indicators of depression. Please get the help you need -- it will be worth it. |
Anonymous
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I know several women who have done this. They were all a mess emotionally or had drug or alcohol problems.
Consider the fact with divorce you'd only have your child 50% of the time, which gives you plenty of alone time. There may be no need to give up full physical custody. The more you can regularly stay in your child's life, the better. Consider speaking to a therapist about this. |
Anonymous
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You don't need to be the primary parent - but they still need you in their life. And I imagine, that once you separate, you'll see that you are a good mom in a better situation.
My mom gave me up to my dad when I was 10 and we lived 8 hours apart. It was the right decision at the time and I've made peace with it. But it would have been nice to have her around and being more apart of my life. |
Anonymous
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A relative's wife did this, when her son entered puberty. It was very sad, but he seems to be ok with his Dad now. He doesn't seem hardly any time with his Mom, does not like her new husband and was very sad for several years.
I would get therapy and talk to someone before doing this, especially with a six year old girl. |