Any moms out there walk away and give custody to dad?

[Anonymous]

I only know one woman who does not have custody of her child and sees the child infrequently. For her, it's supposedly due to her high-powered, long-hours career. But she has also admitted that she "hates" being a mother. I don't get that it comes from depression in her…just that she genuinely "hates" being a mother. It happens. But I don't hear that from you, so please see a therapist, ok? Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only know one woman who does not have custody of her child and sees the child infrequently. For her, it's supposedly due to her high-powered, long-hours career. But she has also admitted that she "hates" being a mother. I don't get that it comes from depression in her…just that she genuinely "hates" being a mother. It happens. But I don't hear that from you, so please see a therapist, ok? Hugs.

+1 OP sounds overwhelmed. There are better alternatives than walking away from a child that you love.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should walk away, but if you do divorce, you could maybe give more custody to your husband and have less custody, at least until you're in a better place.

I have a couple of friends who have either given up primary custody or given up most custody. It wouldn't work for me.

In your case, you may just need a little more me time if you're currently not getting any of that.

[Anonymous]

I am taking an adoption class now where they talk a LOT about how even kids who were abused/neglected/abandoned before being taken into foster care love their birth parents and want to know about them--and often believe that they did something wrong to cause the separation.

If you abandon your daughter, she will miss you and she may believe she was bad enough that she made you go. That's a lot to put on a 6 year old. I agree with the PPs that you must seek counseling, first for yourself and then maybe with your daughter, whatever path you choose. And if you do choose divorce, stay in your kid's life somehow, even if it's just the occasional weekend and a little time in the summer.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all very much. I was expecting a beating here and maybe sort of wanted to hear everyone's agreement of what a terrible person I am. I wasn't expecting the compassion. I read and re-read and then re-read all the replies, and I guess I'm so overwhelmed that I just didn't really identify myself as depressed. But I think you all have a point. I've called my doctor asking for a screening and alerting them that antidepressants may be in order, to get me through this time (just had the sudden loss of a parent as well). Thanks for spurring me on. I think for now I'll see how that goes and revisit it in a few months as one PP suggested. Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all very much. I was expecting a beating here and maybe sort of wanted to hear everyone's agreement of what a terrible person I am. I wasn't expecting the compassion. I read and re-read and then re-read all the replies, and I guess I'm so overwhelmed that I just didn't really identify myself as depressed. But I think you all have a point. I've called my doctor asking for a screening and alerting them that antidepressants may be in order, to get me through this time (just had the sudden loss of a parent as well). Thanks for spurring me on. I think for now I'll see how that goes and revisit it in a few months as one PP suggested. Thank you all.

NP, and I'm glad to see this.

You may not have full fledged depression (a screening and therapy are still in order!), and you didn't post much about your relationship, but I could have written your post when my son was a baby. I was in an abusive relationship, and truly believed I was a bad mother. Luckily, my parents stepped in when he tried to get custody of my son (they paid for my lawyer, and my mom stayed with me during the initial proceedings), and I maintained custody. Had my ex not been abusive, I would have agreed to 50/50, I'm glad I didn't. I also worked with a great therapist who helped me so much - I wish I could find her now and tell her that. My ex was patient with our son, but it became clear after I moved out that it was all a show, he only does the fun stuff to this day, and has no concept of what parenting means. Parenting is hard work, it's fun, and it can be extremely frustrating.

Anyway, immediately after my ex moved out of our shared space my parenting became 100x better, and more fun. Mostly because I could finally relax in my own space, and wasn't under pressure to be the "perfect" mother, and the "perfect" girlfriend, and the "perfect" student.

Even if you decide not to have primary custody (which is OK), definitely maintain every other weekend plus an overnight per week parenting time. Your daughter does need you in her life - even though you aren't a perfect mom (no one is!).

[Anonymous]

OP - Because your thoughts were so down on yourself and your marriage and your relationship with your daughter, while I urge you to also have a complete physical exam to rule out anything being off like thyroid etc., I would ask for a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist to do the mental health screening rather than a PCP because given your state, you may well also benefit from some therapy. I am not sure which kind of doctor would do the initial screening, but your medication management may need more training to do successfully than a PCP since from what you share you may be dealing with grief and have some need for behavior modification in dealing with DD in a more appropritae manner. But one day at a time as you have taken the first key step.

[Anonymous]

You will F up your daughter forever if you do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will F up your daughter forever if you do this.

So helpful! Go away.

My mom did this. It was hard. I loved her fiercely. I saw her randomly, sometimes once or twice a month, and sometimes once or twice a year. I wanted her so badly when she was there, and it was difficult. I always had a strong relationship wih her, and felt loved for who I was, all the time. I had a dysfunctional home life with my dad and his new wife. I think she saw that and tried to make my limited times with her full of letting me be me. Anyway, it did cause some craziness in my life in my twenties, with relationships with women, and now as a mother. Sometimes that is harder. But I'm a content adult now in my late thirties. Don't leave because of feeling like a bad mother. Get help for yourself, get some help for parenting differently if therapy and/or antidepressants don't help in that area. Take more time for yourself. I wish I'd been able to see my mom more. If you do find eventually that it really isn't for you, do what you can to stay in their lives as regularly as possible.

Peace to you, aside from pp above, we are thinking of you. I hope your appt goes well. ((Hug))

[Anonymous]

Talk to a therapist. Also, there are options besides just walking away. You could opt to give him primary physical custody and you have weekends or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, losing a parent is a big deal. There is no need to rush to a decision. I'm glad you replied, and I'm glad you've asked for a screening. Much love your way.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter will suffer because of your poor emotional health - with you or without you. Get help, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid doesn't want perfect, she wants you.

Definitely seek therapy, and seriously consider that you will be a better parent without your husband around. You don't know what that will be like, but you must think it will be better if you're looking into divorce.

actually, she wants her dad, too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all very much. I was expecting a beating here and maybe sort of wanted to hear everyone's agreement of what a terrible person I am. I wasn't expecting the compassion. I read and re-read and then re-read all the replies, and I guess I'm so overwhelmed that I just didn't really identify myself as depressed. But I think you all have a point. I've called my doctor asking for a screening and alerting them that antidepressants may be in order, to get me through this time (just had the sudden loss of a parent as well). Thanks for spurring me on. I think for now I'll see how that goes and revisit it in a few months as one PP suggested. Thank you all.

I'm one of the many PPs who encourages you to seek help for depression and I just wanted to say I'm proud of you!! That you didn't even recognize it confirms that you can likely benefit from help. Just wanted to encourage you not to give up. It may require a few weeks to get medication right, so plan to be strong as you sort it out. It will be worth it to get out of the hole you're in - and once you're out you can reevaluate your situation. Feel free to come back if you need more encouragement on the journey.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Do you suffer from debilitating mental illness? Do you abuse drugs and alcohol? Are you an addict?