Stay with my underemployed DH for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For richer or poorer... do those words ring a bell?

How is this a helpful comment? No where did she complain about rich / poor. OP talked about very real resentment that is building from a lack of partnership, feeling alone weekends, evenings holidays, etc. Why are you posting a comment that is completely useless?

It's helpful in some way because sometimes the only thing that gets you through rough patches in your marriage is the fact that you made a vow to stay. That's it. Obviously, there are many layers of problems here that have little or nothing to do with DH being underemployed.

OP again--I get it. I do think that I would regret leaving one day if I left. Although I think about leaving, in my heart, that is not the answer. I just feel worn out from treading water for so many years and not having a life. I love my kids with all I am but I still need me time too. I guess I just need tools to stay on the raft right now and stay sane and still love my husband. I will find a therapist today, any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post could have had so many titles as there are so many issues...here it goes. I guess we have the typical story of everything being wonderful in the beginning. We would travel and were really best friends. He was a teacher and worked his way up to administration. Then we suffered a late pregnancy loss, some mild IF, and then had kids back to back. We always said we wanted three kids but DH found out he was laid off from his job of 7 years shortly after we brought our second baby home from the hospital. We made about the same salary at the time so that was a 50% cut. That was almost three years ago...... The first year he kept thinking he would get something and when I went back to work, both of the kids were in daycare. He tried to get part time jobs but Target, FedEx, Best Buy etc., would not even call him back. One manager asked why was a guy with two advanced degrees even applying at his store. Times were really hard back then. For the past two years he has been very underemployed working as a bartender (he did that in college as well). Every few months we have the argument about him finding a job and he claims that he is looking but hasn't gotten any offers. He has been on a few interviews but nothing pans out. I am worried that he is going to stick with the 'safe' option of working in a bar forever. He has finally agreed to get current teaching certificates so that he can hopefully go back in the class. The problem is that whenever I try to ask how things are going, we get into an argument. I have so much resentment from the last few years I am contemplating leaving but then of course think of my kids and push leaving to the back.

He does pick the kids up from school/pre-school and is a good Dad. He loves the kids and of course they love him. He is a horrible 'home maker' in that usually, the house is a wreck when I get home. No, I don't think it should be spotless but it is so frustrating to come home from a long day, take second shift with the kids, and still have to go clean the dishes before I can make dinner! I know he has pride issue and I have tried to be sensitive to how hard it is for him but at this point, I am over it. Nobody considers how hard the past few years have been on me and I feel like I am always accommodating him. His schedule means I am alone almost every night with the kids and every weekend while he is at work. It is no surprise that in order to make good tips, you need to be out at night. I am lonely and tired of being home all the time. I can never go out with friends let alone us have a date night. I guess I am just wondering if there is a way back for us? In my heart, I do love him and want our family to stay together so I guess I need some suggestions on how to reframe my thinking. We have no connection anymore. I just feel so angry and resentful all of the time that he is not home, that I have no life, that we work so much and are still just getting by, etc. Since I'm totally exposing myself, I also am angry that I didn't get a chance to have my last baby because he doesn't have a job. Our anniversary is this weekend and yep, he will be at work!

Please be kind DCUM. I am sure there will be plenty of people telling me to suck it up and stop being a baby etc. I have lost a lot of respect for him over the past few years as I don't think he has done everything he could to get another job and help out at him. How do I move past that? No, he will not go to counseling. He says he loves me and wants our family to stay together...

I'm sorry, but your husband has NO PRIDE.

My DH just accepted a job after a long period of unemployment. Because he wants to contribute, I have actually LOVED having him at home. I come home to a spotless, YES spotless home. He grocery shops, does all the laundry, has painted the entire interior of the house, goes to Costco, he plans and cooks healthy meals, and he has taken the time to fix everything in the house. Oh, and did I mention that he goes to the gym each day and is now in amazing shape? I have not lifted a finger for months and frankly I could go on like this forever, but our savings are dwindling.

Look, I'm not trying to rub it in, but seriously? This guy. What in the hell does he do all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me simply the issue.....

1. My husband lost his job as a school administrator and our income dropped 50%
2. He wasn't able to get a replacement job as an administrator so he swallowed his pride and looked for jobs as target, fedex.... and eventually started bartending.
3. He doesn't make as much money now and I don't think he is pulling his weight around the house....
4. I want to divorce him....
5. DCUM be nice and support my decision to leave him

Nice try...I said in my op and in later posts that I don't want to leave him. Despite everything, I do love him and want this to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For richer or poorer... do those words ring a bell?

How is this a helpful comment? No where did she complain about rich / poor. OP talked about very real resentment that is building from a lack of partnership, feeling alone weekends, evenings holidays, etc. Why are you posting a comment that is completely useless?

It's helpful in some way because sometimes the only thing that gets you through rough patches in your marriage is the fact that you made a vow to stay. That's it. Obviously, there are many layers of problems here that have little or nothing to do with DH being underemployed.

OP again--I get it. I do think that I would regret leaving one day if I left. Although I think about leaving, in my heart, that is not the answer. I just feel worn out from treading water for so many years and not having a life. I love my kids with all I am but I still need me time too. I guess I just need tools to stay on the raft right now and stay sane and still love my husband. I will find a therapist today, any suggestions?

Where do you live and work, op?

[Anonymous]

If you can't afford boots I would think you can't afford therapy.

One thing I will say is this, if you're going to be a SAHP, whether by choice or force, your job becomes being the best SAHP you can possibly be INCLUDING cleaning house and cooking.

I never worked outside the home but I do work inside the home, for free. For that privilege I make magic happen daily. My spouse never came home, not one time, to a dirty or messy house and no plans for dinner.

The least your husband can do is be organized. If you can't agree on that, you might as well do it on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me simply the issue.....

1. My husband lost his job as a school administrator and our income dropped 50%
2. He wasn't able to get a replacement job as an administrator so he swallowed his pride and looked for jobs as target, fedex.... and eventually started bartending.
3. He doesn't make as much money now and I don't think he is pulling his weight around the house....
4. I want to divorce him....
5. DCUM be nice and support my decision to leave him

Nice try...I said in my op and in later posts that I don't want to leave him. Despite everything, I do love him and want this to work.

Backpedaling.... your title is "stay with my underemployed DH for the kids?" notice the question mark... you are posing your situation as a question... should I stay or should I go...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me simply the issue.....

1. My husband lost his job as a school administrator and our income dropped 50%
2. He wasn't able to get a replacement job as an administrator so he swallowed his pride and looked for jobs as target, fedex.... and eventually started bartending.
3. He doesn't make as much money now and I don't think he is pulling his weight around the house....
4. I want to divorce him....
5. DCUM be nice and support my decision to leave him

I didn't actually read that at all. It's seems like OP has been waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better and they haven't been. She wants to be talked off the ledge.

I've been there, done that with an underemployed DH but in my situation it was totally his fault. He decided that he didn't like his career field so was unemployed for about a year and underemployed for about three years. It was a rough time but we got through it and we are in a much better place, better than if he'd stayed in his original career field.

I know with young kids and a DH who isn't pulling his weight it's hard. And I can only imagine the bartender lifestyle isn't helping the situation at all. I think you need to sit him down and work on a plan of action together. Step one, he gets his certifications back. Step two, he gets on the substitute teaching roster in your school district on his days off. Step three, he gets a job.

I know his ego seems to have taken a beating but you need to fully support his going back to teaching. Focus on the positives of that career (all the breaks off, snow days, etc). You'll get back on track but you have to communicate, be positive and show your support to help his self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't afford boots I would think you can't afford therapy.

One thing I will say is this, if you're going to be a SAHP, whether by choice or force, your job becomes being the best SAHP you can possibly be INCLUDING cleaning house and cooking.

I never worked outside the home but I do work inside the home, for free. For that privilege I make magic happen daily. My spouse never came home, not one time, to a dirty or messy house and no plans for dinner.

The least your husband can do is be organized. If you can't agree on that, you might as well do it on your own.

I don't disagree with you and we have had many arguments about this. He will do some things during the day but I also think he feels cleaning during the day is like accepting defeat if that makes sense. I will add that he will not clean up the kitchen during the day but will often clean it up once we all get home. I think in his mind cleaning while we are all home doesn't make it 'housework'. His Mom was a SAHM and I think he still might have some gender/role issues about stuff. When we both worked, we both participated in cleaning the house and we had someone clean every two weeks. He has agreed to the family plan idea and I am going to also suggest a family chore chart of sorts.

[Anonymous]

You stay because you promised to. That's what marriage is. He's working, and it's not ideal, but it's not like he's a gambling addict or drug addict or running away. You guys have incompatible work schedules and a lot of stress and depression and kids and a lot of s*it going on.

I think the most important and crucial thing you can do right now is find ways to rebuild your friendship. You need to be friends, strong friends, before you can do the really big work that needs to be done on your marriage. John Gottman's book, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" was really helpful for this, I thought.

Good luck to you. It sounds like you have a good guy who has had a giant blow to his ego. He's not a great housekeeper, but I hope you can see the other good things about him and reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post could have had so many titles as there are so many issues...here it goes. I guess we have the typical story of everything being wonderful in the beginning. We would travel and were really best friends. He was a teacher and worked his way up to administration. Then we suffered a late pregnancy loss, some mild IF, and then had kids back to back. We always said we wanted three kids but DH found out he was laid off from his job of 7 years shortly after we brought our second baby home from the hospital. We made about the same salary at the time so that was a 50% cut. That was almost three years ago...... The first year he kept thinking he would get something and when I went back to work, both of the kids were in daycare. He tried to get part time jobs but Target, FedEx, Best Buy etc., would not even call him back. One manager asked why was a guy with two advanced degrees even applying at his store. Times were really hard back then. For the past two years he has been very underemployed working as a bartender (he did that in college as well). Every few months we have the argument about him finding a job and he claims that he is looking but hasn't gotten any offers. He has been on a few interviews but nothing pans out. I am worried that he is going to stick with the 'safe' option of working in a bar forever. He has finally agreed to get current teaching certificates so that he can hopefully go back in the class. The problem is that whenever I try to ask how things are going, we get into an argument. I have so much resentment from the last few years I am contemplating leaving but then of course think of my kids and push leaving to the back.

He does pick the kids up from school/pre-school and is a good Dad. He loves the kids and of course they love him. He is a horrible 'home maker' in that usually, the house is a wreck when I get home. No, I don't think it should be spotless but it is so frustrating to come home from a long day, take second shift with the kids, and still have to go clean the dishes before I can make dinner! I know he has pride issue and I have tried to be sensitive to how hard it is for him but at this point, I am over it. Nobody considers how hard the past few years have been on me and I feel like I am always accommodating him. His schedule means I am alone almost every night with the kids and every weekend while he is at work. It is no surprise that in order to make good tips, you need to be out at night. I am lonely and tired of being home all the time. I can never go out with friends let alone us have a date night. I guess I am just wondering if there is a way back for us? In my heart, I do love him and want our family to stay together so I guess I need some suggestions on how to reframe my thinking. We have no connection anymore. I just feel so angry and resentful all of the time that he is not home, that I have no life, that we work so much and are still just getting by, etc. Since I'm totally exposing myself, I also am angry that I didn't get a chance to have my last baby because he doesn't have a job. Our anniversary is this weekend and yep, he will be at work!

Please be kind DCUM. I am sure there will be plenty of people telling me to suck it up and stop being a baby etc. I have lost a lot of respect for him over the past few years as I don't think he has done everything he could to get another job and help out at him. How do I move past that? No, he will not go to counseling. He says he loves me and wants our family to stay together...

I'm sorry, but your husband has NO PRIDE.

My DH just accepted a job after a long period of unemployment. Because he wants to contribute, I have actually LOVED having him at home. I come home to a spotless, YES spotless home. He grocery shops, does all the laundry, has painted the entire interior of the house, goes to Costco, he plans and cooks healthy meals, and he has taken the time to fix everything in the house. Oh, and did I mention that he goes to the gym each day and is now in amazing shape? I have not lifted a finger for months and frankly I could go on like this forever, but our savings are dwindling.

Look, I'm not trying to rub it in, but seriously? This guy. What in the hell does he do all day?

Congratulations on not having a depressed spouse. Some people lose their job and are mentally fine. Others are deeply impacted.

It's not very helpful for you to come on here raving about how wonderful your spouse is when OP is going through a rough patch with hers. I'm sure her DH is a great person, and some years are better than others.

It does come across very much like you want to rub it in.

[Anonymous]

x a million. Having a depressed spouse is the worst because you are literally pulling an anchor (depression) while trying to keep your family's heads above water. It's so, so hard.

OP I was the previous poster who wrote about therapy and supporting my spouse through a difficult period of under/no employment. I seriously recommend therapy. It was actually covered under my insurance so the co-pay was minimal (and I used flex dollars). Therapy saved my own life because I was so stressed and anxious myself that I couldn't clearly see the line between being productively helpful and supportive and being a resentful nag.

It sucks OP. We all have to swallow our pride at times. If your DH was willing to work at Target, he can teach math for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For richer or poorer... do those words ring a bell?

How is this a helpful comment? No where did she complain about rich / poor. OP talked about very real resentment that is building from a lack of partnership, feeling alone weekends, evenings holidays, etc. Why are you posting a comment that is completely useless?

Agreed. PP should have cited "for better or for worse". If you got into a car accident this afternoon and lost the use of your legs, should he abandon you? "Stay with my disabled DW for the kids?" How is this even a question?

[Anonymous]

From what I can tell he is looking for work, he has been unlucky, but you just don't think the house is clean enough.

if it's rough now, it'll be rougher if you left him and were (probably) paying him alimony or child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:x a million. Having a depressed spouse is the worst because you are literally pulling an anchor (depression) while trying to keep your family's heads above water. It's so, so hard.

OP I was the previous poster who wrote about therapy and supporting my spouse through a difficult period of under/no employment. I seriously recommend therapy. It was actually covered under my insurance so the co-pay was minimal (and I used flex dollars). Therapy saved my own life because I was so stressed and anxious myself that I couldn't clearly see the line between being productively helpful and supportive and being a resentful nag.

It sucks OP. We all have to swallow our pride at times. If your DH was willing to work at Target, he can teach math for a bit.

I totally agree. I've been through this and it's so very hard. You definitely need to get yourself into counseling so you can better see what you're facing and to help you make some decisions. Depression is 'contagious' and you need someone with perspective to help you. I ended up giving my DH an ultimatum (that I was prepared to carry out) because his lack of employment/underemployment and untreated depression were causing significant issues in our relationship and with our kids. I had to consider what was best for them. My DH was able to turn it around but he's still making a fraction what he used to but at least his depression is under control and he enjoys his work. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, are you saying he is unable to find work as a teacher?

This times a million. If it's a certification question, he should look into working in a higher demand area like SPED or ESOL to get back into a school district.

OP, I think this is so, so hard. I also am married to a spouse who was unemployed or under employed and who spent a ton of time and money on a graduate degree that is basically worthless because she doesn't want to work in that field. My DW was in the midst of a crisis of confidence and depression, OP. And unlike your DH, basically was sort of mentally checked out at home (we too had two kids back to back). I had the same question, OP. I didn't really know what to do except try my best to make things work. First, I went to therapy -- alone -- to work through my own resentment issues so I could be supportive without any agenda but DW's interest. Second, I encouraged DW to realistically look at her life and choices and decide what's what. Third, I put a deadline in place. DW needed to take a job (she was offered several but turned them down) and pay her own student loan payments and contribute to daycare or else I would just go it alone with the kids.

Eventually DW saw the writing on the wall and got with the program. She finally accepted a job and while it's not her "dream" she is contributing to her family financially and she is engaging in less of the self inflicted crisis stuff that she did before. She also is in therapy, which I put on her to do (I would join but she doesn't think it's necessary). Things are better but I will say it's hard to support a spouse through a job loss. This is the worst side of for better or worse.

I'm sorry but it's just not the same when the genders are reversed. SO GLAD I'm not married to someone like you. Barf.