Stay with my underemployed DH for the kids?
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Anonymous
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This post could have had so many titles as there are so many issues...here it goes. I guess we have the typical story of everything being wonderful in the beginning. We would travel and were really best friends. He was a teacher and worked his way up to administration. Then we suffered a late pregnancy loss, some mild IF, and then had kids back to back. We always said we wanted three kids but DH found out he was laid off from his job of 7 years shortly after we brought our second baby home from the hospital. We made about the same salary at the time so that was a 50% cut. That was almost three years ago...... The first year he kept thinking he would get something and when I went back to work, both of the kids were in daycare. He tried to get part time jobs but Target, FedEx, Best Buy etc., would not even call him back. One manager asked why was a guy with two advanced degrees even applying at his store. Times were really hard back then. For the past two years he has been very underemployed working as a bartender (he did that in college as well). Every few months we have the argument about him finding a job and he claims that he is looking but hasn't gotten any offers. He has been on a few interviews but nothing pans out. I am worried that he is going to stick with the 'safe' option of working in a bar forever. He has finally agreed to get current teaching certificates so that he can hopefully go back in the class. The problem is that whenever I try to ask how things are going, we get into an argument. I have so much resentment from the last few years I am contemplating leaving but then of course think of my kids and push leaving to the back.
He does pick the kids up from school/pre-school and is a good Dad. He loves the kids and of course they love him. He is a horrible 'home maker' in that usually, the house is a wreck when I get home. No, I don't think it should be spotless but it is so frustrating to come home from a long day, take second shift with the kids, and still have to go clean the dishes before I can make dinner! I know he has pride issue and I have tried to be sensitive to how hard it is for him but at this point, I am over it. Nobody considers how hard the past few years have been on me and I feel like I am always accommodating him. His schedule means I am alone almost every night with the kids and every weekend while he is at work. It is no surprise that in order to make good tips, you need to be out at night. I am lonely and tired of being home all the time. I can never go out with friends let alone us have a date night. I guess I am just wondering if there is a way back for us? In my heart, I do love him and want our family to stay together so I guess I need some suggestions on how to reframe my thinking. We have no connection anymore. I just feel so angry and resentful all of the time that he is not home, that I have no life, that we work so much and are still just getting by, etc. Since I'm totally exposing myself, I also am angry that I didn't get a chance to have my last baby because he doesn't have a job. Our anniversary is this weekend and yep, he will be at work! Please be kind DCUM. I am sure there will be plenty of people telling me to suck it up and stop being a baby etc. I have lost a lot of respect for him over the past few years as I don't think he has done everything he could to get another job and help out at him. How do I move past that? No, he will not go to counseling. He says he loves me and wants our family to stay together... |
Anonymous
| Wait, are you saying he is unable to find work as a teacher? |
Anonymous
| No, he only agreed recently to go back to teaching. He is in the process of getting his certifications current now. |
Anonymous
This times a million. If it's a certification question, he should look into working in a higher demand area like SPED or ESOL to get back into a school district. OP, I think this is so, so hard. I also am married to a spouse who was unemployed or under employed and who spent a ton of time and money on a graduate degree that is basically worthless because she doesn't want to work in that field. My DW was in the midst of a crisis of confidence and depression, OP. And unlike your DH, basically was sort of mentally checked out at home (we too had two kids back to back). I had the same question, OP. I didn't really know what to do except try my best to make things work. First, I went to therapy -- alone -- to work through my own resentment issues so I could be supportive without any agenda but DW's interest. Second, I encouraged DW to realistically look at her life and choices and decide what's what. Third, I put a deadline in place. DW needed to take a job (she was offered several but turned them down) and pay her own student loan payments and contribute to daycare or else I would just go it alone with the kids. Eventually DW saw the writing on the wall and got with the program. She finally accepted a job and while it's not her "dream" she is contributing to her family financially and she is engaging in less of the self inflicted crisis stuff that she did before. She also is in therapy, which I put on her to do (I would join but she doesn't think it's necessary). Things are better but I will say it's hard to support a spouse through a job loss. This is the worst side of for better or worse. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. That sounds very rough. But it also sounds like you love him, you guys are just in a tough patch.
Have you told him all this? About how you feel- lonely, unappreciated, etc? Can you have that intimate conversation, letting your guard down or are things too tense at the moment? What I do think would help is a 1-2 year "family plan" that you both hash out together. One that establishes various goals at various times. Some of those should be "date nights" and "mom's night off" and some should be achievements like a certificate etc. Is that something you two could conceivable handle right now? |
Anonymous
| Why did he not get his certificates earlier? It seems he does not want to go back to teacher? Why is that? What grades does he teach? Why did he ever allow is certificates to expire? |
Anonymous
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Men prefer that you identify the particular issue rather than the situation. Rather than asking him how the job hunt is going (which is the loaded question), have a discussion with him about his job characteristics. Tell him that while you understand that he has been working hard, that his choice to work evening and weekends is really hard on you. Explain that you understand that the tips are better at nights and weekends, but the schedule is very hard and he needs to find alternatives that allow him to be home supporting you and the family at least some of the evenings or weekends. If he can find a decent bartending job that gives you back some of that time, that's fine or he needs to find an alternative day job. His choice, but you need him home some evenings and some part of the weekend to help with the household and children.
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Anonymous
| Therapy for you if he won't go. Be patient if he's getting his certs now. |
Anonymous
| Some people could use help getting their resumes together, finding job leads, making a schedule. My dh lost his job a week before our dd was born. Instead of comp;aining and being bitter, I got to work. Maybe your dh has lost confidence and could use your help. I know it sucks and I hope it all works out OP |
Anonymous
Very similar story in our house, but with my DH and without the therapy (which would have really helped us). It took a LONG time after a grad program for him to find a job, and this was also on the heels of IF + multiple IVFs + sick child. I too have been very resentful for long stretches, and needed to find my own way to getting some peace about that. In your plus column, OP (as was true for me), you have a great Dad on your hands who is hands-on with the kids. Our biggest plus from recent years is how close my DH and child are. When things are at their roughest, I remind myself how much it would kill all three of us to split up this family and not see each other every day. Not a lot of wisdom to impart, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. |
Anonymous
| For richer or poorer... do those words ring a bell? |
Anonymous
How is this a helpful comment? No where did she complain about rich / poor. OP talked about very real resentment that is building from a lack of partnership, feeling alone weekends, evenings holidays, etc. Why are you posting a comment that is completely useless? |
Anonymous
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OH Here- Thanks everyone for the kind words and suggestions. Sadly, I bottle things up cause I don't want to 'nag' him about stuff and then it just builds up and comes out all at once. I really think I need some therapy alone to unpack all of my resentment and emotions about things. I am at the point of blaming him for a lot. "Can't have those new warm boots for walking to the metro...if only he were working I would be able to get them" type of thing that I know is not healthy. To one pp, he did not want to go back in the class because I think he saw it as a step backwards. He felt that he worked so hard after leaving the class etc. It took a lot of arguments to get him to agree to go back.
I also like the idea of family goals. I wish he would do therapy because I know he is depressed. He says he doesn't need it, he only needs a job. |
Anonymous
It's helpful in some way because sometimes the only thing that gets you through rough patches in your marriage is the fact that you made a vow to stay. That's it. Obviously, there are many layers of problems here that have little or nothing to do with DH being underemployed. |
Anonymous
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Let me simply the issue.....
1. My husband lost his job as a school administrator and our income dropped 50% 2. He wasn't able to get a replacement job as an administrator so he swallowed his pride and looked for jobs as target, fedex.... and eventually started bartending. 3. He doesn't make as much money now and I don't think he is pulling his weight around the house.... 4. I want to divorce him.... 5. DCUM be nice and support my decision to leave him |