If you had an affair, did you bury your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Compartmentalize means you enjoy your AP and don't think about your wife when you are with her, and you enjoy your wife/family when you are with them. It's essentially living two distinctly separate lives. It's how one avoids feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

My AP was not able to compartmentalize well. He's always feeling guilty and we have been together on and off for a long time. Also a coworker situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need a break from him. Can he move out for a few months? During this time, you need to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of your marriage. He needs to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of his other relationship, without you having to watch. And you both need space to figure out if this marriage is worth saving.

I think the separation needs to be real (not just him sleeping in the guest room), and for a real amount of time (not just sleeping at a buddy's house for a week), so that you know neither of you is making a knee-jerk reaction to save the marriage. Agree on visitation for the kids, and what you're doing about the holidays.

In the new year, maybe you start talking with your marriage counselor about reconciling and him moving back in, or making the separation a little more permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need a break from him. Can he move out for a few months? During this time, you need to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of your marriage. He needs to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of his other relationship, without you having to watch. And you both need space to figure out if this marriage is worth saving.

I think the separation needs to be real (not just him sleeping in the guest room), and for a real amount of time (not just sleeping at a buddy's house for a week), so that you know neither of you is making a knee-jerk reaction to save the marriage. Agree on visitation for the kids, and what you're doing about the holidays.

In the new year, maybe you start talking with your marriage counselor about reconciling and him moving back in, or making the separation a little more permanent.

NP here: I don't agree with the above advice. IF DH is still emotionally distant/cut off from OP and the marriage, he may leave and never come back. He may resume the affair he's mourning or start another.

OTOH, a DH that detached isn't very dear and doesn't have much care left for OP, so I think that he could have another affair unless he owns up to his role (lying, cheating, taking time away from OP and the new baby to be with AP) and stops blaming OP!

OP, I know you're trying to be fair to DH but: 1,DH is showing so much anger at you by drawing inward and only removing himself in a depression-like state that you're accepting all of his blame on you for his bad actions;
2, you're letting him off the hook by constantly thinking about his feelings, implying that you're asking yourself would the affair not have happened if you had behaved differently;
3, the answer is "NO" it's not your fault -- lots of new moms and dads get depressed after the baby comes but not everybody has an affair;
4, DH is not letting you get in touch with your own anger for what he did;
5, DH should at the very least stop "mourning his AP" as a way of elevating her above the relationship and giving himself an emotional out to what he did (it's OK to miss someone but he's still running away emotionally)!

Good luck, OP, but I honestly think that your DH is still very much a brick wall to healing this marriage.

[Anonymous]

If he leaves and doesn't come back, good riddance! Does OP really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Compartmentalize means you enjoy your AP and don't think about your wife when you are with her, and you enjoy your wife/family when you are with them. It's essentially living two distinctly separate lives. It's how one avoids feeling guilty.

Thank you! Very helpful.

[Anonymous]

My DH was the same way once I found out about his six month affair with a co-worker. Once he ended that relationship, he kept saying although it was over, it was hard to just go back to the way things were between the two of us pre-mistress. It was almost like he was mourning the loss of a loved one. To me that was FAR worse than discovering the affair. It was the weeks that followed where he seemed distant and sad. I was always fearful that he was going to up and leave one day to be with her. He just wasn't himself and picked up bad habits along the way (drinking more). It just wasn't him. Six weeks passed and he eventually came to and changed for the better. It's been almost four years and although I'm grateful for the life we've built since then, I still wonder if I made the right decision when I decided to give him another chance. I love where life has taken me, but that first year was so hard and painful. I wouldn't do it again - not ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men- What exactly do you mean when you say you can compartmentalize the AP? I've heard this many times and truly don't get it .... Help?

When I was with my AP, I was with her. I liked her, cared about her, but she wasn't my wife, she wasn't the mother of my children. She was an awesome, fun, sexy woman who actually enjoyed having sex with me, which was so awesome after years of a DW who could take or leave (mostly leave) sex. When I was with my family, I didn't think of my AP very often, except when I was getting rejected sexually by my DW which wasn't that often because I knew it was futile to even try to initiate.

At some point, my DW sensed our connection eroding. It's not possible for me (and I think for many men and I am sure women) to maintain intimacy without sex. She decided to put an effort into our sex life, it made the affair less necessary. AP and I eventually stopped, me and DW resumed.

I know I will get flamed for this, but AP helped me stay married. I had an outlet for sexual touch that my DW cut-off. Without it, I would have boiled over in resentment at DW.

[Anonymous]

Thanks much for the explanation. Sorry OP to hijack your thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men- What exactly do you mean when you say you can compartmentalize the AP? I've heard this many times and truly don't get it .... Help?

When I was with my AP, I was with her. I liked her, cared about her, but she wasn't my wife, she wasn't the mother of my children. She was an awesome, fun, sexy woman who actually enjoyed having sex with me, which was so awesome after years of a DW who could take or leave (mostly leave) sex. When I was with my family, I didn't think of my AP very often, except when I was getting rejected sexually by my DW which wasn't that often because I knew it was futile to even try to initiate.

At some point, my DW sensed our connection eroding. It's not possible for me (and I think for many men and I am sure women) to maintain intimacy without sex. She decided to put an effort into our sex life, it made the affair less necessary. AP and I eventually stopped, me and DW resumed.

I know I will get flamed for this, but AP helped me stay married. I had an outlet for sexual touch that my DW cut-off. Without it, I would have boiled over in resentment at DW.

Not flaming but agreeing. My affair basically kept me sane and calm enough for long enough that eventually I recognized the non-sustainability of my broken marriage and outsourced sex life. Similar story: wife completely lost her libido and didn't care enough about me to even work on that aspect. Without the affair, I would have been a total flaming a-hole and surely we would have divorced. But, like you I could have fun with my AP and then, upon arriving home, do a complete mental context switch and actually appreciate my wife for all of her non-sexual qualities. Prior to the affair, I could not see past the brokenness of our sexless marriage.

As to compartmentalization: my AP was just a pleasant dirty secret in the back of my mind. Do you ever spend a day going commando (without underwear)? Its like this constant low-grade source of arousal that the outside world can't see and (hopefully) you just act totally normal while enjoying these occasionally strong sexy thoughts. That is my take on compartmentalization. I eventually broke off the affair and laid an ultimatum on the wife, it seems the prospect of divorce has inspired her to find a normal appearing libido again. Maybe SHE is now compartmentalizing? If so that is a pretty good charade!

[Anonymous]

Wow! I can't believe so many people peak so openly about being a-holes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's morning the loss of his lover. It's natural. Give him time. Back off or you won't have a marriage. He will come around.

This is very true. He liked who he was with his AP. He wants to be with you, but you can't turn feelings off (or on) like a tap. Stick around. Do date nights, figure out what it is you need and the things he needs to feel loving (e.g. the 5 love languages) And do them, even if they feel awkward. Eventually, they will become more normal, and not forced.

Yes, the affair was his fault, completely. He knows that. But there was something in your marriage that allowed that space to open up that allowed him to go outside your marriage for emotional and sexual comfort. You both need to work on that.

This takes time. Lots of time. I can tell you if I'd moved out after my affair I would not be married right now. Because that constant "together time" is just helpful. Awkward. Unpleasant sometimes. But necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men- What exactly do you mean when you say you can compartmentalize the AP? I've heard this many times and truly don't get it .... Help?

When I was with my AP, I was with her. I liked her, cared about her, but she wasn't my wife, she wasn't the mother of my children. She was an awesome, fun, sexy woman who actually enjoyed having sex with me, which was so awesome after years of a DW who could take or leave (mostly leave) sex. When I was with my family, I didn't think of my AP very often, except when I was getting rejected sexually by my DW which wasn't that often because I knew it was futile to even try to initiate.

At some point, my DW sensed our connection eroding. It's not possible for me (and I think for many men and I am sure women) to maintain intimacy without sex. She decided to put an effort into our sex life, it made the affair less necessary. AP and I eventually stopped, me and DW resumed.

I know I will get flamed for this, but AP helped me stay married. I had an outlet for sexual touch that my DW cut-off. Without it, I would have boiled over in resentment at DW.

Not flaming but agreeing. My affair basically kept me sane and calm enough for long enough that eventually I recognized the non-sustainability of my broken marriage and outsourced sex life. Similar story: wife completely lost her libido and didn't care enough about me to even work on that aspect. Without the affair, I would have been a total flaming a-hole and surely we would have divorced. But, like you I could have fun with my AP and then, upon arriving home, do a complete mental context switch and actually appreciate my wife for all of her non-sexual qualities. Prior to the affair, I could not see past the brokenness of our sexless marriage.

As to compartmentalization: my AP was just a pleasant dirty secret in the back of my mind. Do you ever spend a day going commando (without underwear)? Its like this constant low-grade source of arousal that the outside world can't see and (hopefully) you just act totally normal while enjoying these occasionally strong sexy thoughts. That is my take on compartmentalization. I eventually broke off the affair and laid an ultimatum on the wife, it seems the prospect of divorce has inspired her to find a normal appearing libido again. Maybe SHE is now compartmentalizing? If so that is a pretty good charade!

This is exactly what compartmentalization is to me as well. To a word. The times when my AP invades my thoughts when I am home is when my extremely low libido wife again rejects my advances. Instead of feeling ugly and worthless as a man, I channel my feelings for my AP into feeling like a whole person.

I have also thought about the divorce ultimatum, but I am not ready to lose access to my kids (and the non-sexual aspects of my relationship with my DW work very well). I wouldn't be with AP (she is married although I think her and her DH will divorce at some point). But even having the threat of exposure gets draining after a while and it would be nice to live a more authentic life with a spouse that was interested in all aspects of an adult relationship.

[Anonymous]

The muted feelings sound like a chemical thing. Affairs are exciting and can be an intense source of dopamine. When the affair ends, there's a period of withdrawal. The addict isn't getting his fix.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I don't know if he compartmentalized or just began to have serious anger and resentment towards me. From what he has said, he did think about his mistress all the time, while he was with me. And he compared me to her constantly and decided she was better (she paid more attention to him, lavished him with complements, validated his feelings that I must not even want to be a mom if I wasn't overjoyed all of the time). Instead of being a true friend and trying to help him work through things, she demonized me too and told him he deserved so much better (her, of course). So it's not like he totally loved me while he was with me -he actively resented me.

Now he is just very walled off. He doesn't feel safe around me, he says. Like I might really be this bad person he made me out to be. There's nothing I can do to fix that. I just am not that person and the PPD is gone. I have apologized till the ends of the earth for my role in what caused our initial marital issues but I do not think I can open his emotional door and I don't want to be the one doing all of the work. He says he knows he is at fault for the affair but I think he doesn't really believe it, that instead he still blames me for the majority of our marital issues. In reality, we were both to blame for the problems pre-affair.

Honestly, he needs to deal with his feelings for himself. I'm not going to stick around forever and feel constantly inadequate and unloved. It is a horrible feeling. I can't tell him that or it will push him farther away, but every day is torture and a little bit more of me disappears. That sounds melodramatic but it's true. I'm going to start just focusing on me and healing myself and just try to accept that my relationship with the person who I thought was the love of my life may well be irrevocably damaged beyond repair.