If you had an affair, did you bury your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

During the affair, I think people have a real habit of re-writing the history of their marriage. (I think people who are unhappy in their marriages and are letting that unhappiness damage the marriage do this in general.) If your husband or wife was "always" a shitty spouse, then you can minimize your responsibility for whatever harmful activity (including an affair) you're engaged in right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

I think you have this accurately diagnoses. I had an affair on my wife and it happened to allow me to see the good side of my DW since I was no longer dependent on her for sex. On the other hand, of the affair partners and potential affair partners I met, every one of them had deep discord in their marriages. Point being, I know lots of men cheat mostly for sex. I have never met a woman who was having sex outside their marriage and still deeply loved and respected her husband (I am sure it happens, I don't think its common). Also, I totally agree the OP's husband sounds like he was far more entangled emotionally than sexually. For men who are cheating mostly for sex, they are usually begging to keep their marriage because it works except for the sexual part. OP's husband seems to not be fighting to keep his marriage, despite OP making reasonable efforts on her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

During the affair, I think people have a real habit of re-writing the history of their marriage. (I think people who are unhappy in their marriages and are letting that unhappiness damage the marriage do this in general.) If your husband or wife was "always" a shitty spouse, then you can minimize your responsibility for whatever harmful activity (including an affair) you're engaged in right now.

PP here. I agree with this. I definitely did some of that rewriting during the time I was having an affair (about 4 months - 2 months of purely emotional entanglement and another 2 months between when it became physical and when I ended it and told my husband). I freely admit that I was unhappy and that my unhappiness damaged our marriage before I had an affair. I very much wish that I had told him I wanted to separate then, because having the affair eroded any kind of credibility given to the legitimate reasons I was unhappy. I do not regret ending the marriage itself - just the way it ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It takes a special kind of a**h** to have an affair on a wife with a newborn and PPD.

Seems like those things would make a guy somewhat more likely to have an affair.

Don't get me wrong. I think affairs are dishonorable no matter who is having them and what they're excuses might be. But the causes are somewhat more understandable (by which I don't mean excusable) in this situation than on average.

Please do not be so apologetic. He is a pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's morning the loss of his lover. It's natural. Give him time. Back off or you won't have a marriage. He will come around.

This is very true. He liked who he was with his AP. He wants to be with you, but you can't turn feelings off (or on) like a tap. Stick around. Do date nights, figure out what it is you need and the things he needs to feel loving (e.g. the 5 love languages) And do them, even if they feel awkward. Eventually, they will become more normal, and not forced.

Yes, the affair was his fault, completely. He knows that. But there was something in your marriage that allowed that space to open up that allowed him to go outside your marriage for emotional and sexual comfort. You both need to work on that.

This takes time. Lots of time. I can tell you if I'd moved out after my affair I would not be married right now. Because that constant "together time" is just helpful. Awkward. Unpleasant sometimes. But necessary.

Really? A man abandons his new baby and wife suffering from PPD to go have an affair and something "allowed" him to go outside his marriage? Maybe if he'd double downed on being a grown-up and cared enough about his wife enough to google once "Why is my wife so sad after having a baby?" this wouldn't have happened.

I have very, very little respect for anyone who would treat a newly postpartum woman this way. The first year of marriage after having a baby is hard--but the answer is not to run off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

I don't think I'm a shitty person. I think I did a shitty thing, but I do not personally like to judge people exclusively by their worst moments. I don't personally think that a good marriage exists if one spouse is living a double life. I think there are definitely situations in which affairs are tolerated by spouses for various reasons (don't want to have sex anyway, prefer allowing affair to divorcing, etc.), but in situations like the OP's where the non-cheating spouse is struggling and the cheater is putting all his emotional eggs in another woman's basket, it's not compartmentalizing because he wasn't being a good husband when he WAS around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It takes a special kind of a**h** to have an affair on a wife with a newborn and PPD.

Seems like those things would make a guy somewhat more likely to have an affair.

Don't get me wrong. I think affairs are dishonorable no matter who is having them and what they're excuses might be. But the causes are somewhat more understandable (by which I don't mean excusable) in this situation than on average.

Are you fucking kidding? How in the world is it more understandable? This guy should have been too busy caring for his wife and baby to go have an affair. What an asshole. It only takes the tiniest of clues to know that PPD exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

I don't think I'm a shitty person. I think I did a shitty thing, but I do not personally like to judge people exclusively by their worst moments. I don't personally think that a good marriage exists if one spouse is living a double life. I think there are definitely situations in which affairs are tolerated by spouses for various reasons (don't want to have sex anyway, prefer allowing affair to divorcing, etc.), but in situations like the OP's where the non-cheating spouse is struggling and the cheater is putting all his emotional eggs in another woman's basket, it's not compartmentalizing because he wasn't being a good husband when he WAS around.

One's true colors tend to appear during the worst times. Let us not make it about you. You obviously have forgiven yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

I don't think I'm a shitty person. I think I did a shitty thing, but I do not personally like to judge people exclusively by their worst moments. I don't personally think that a good marriage exists if one spouse is living a double life. I think there are definitely situations in which affairs are tolerated by spouses for various reasons (don't want to have sex anyway, prefer allowing affair to divorcing, etc.), but in situations like the OP's where the non-cheating spouse is struggling and the cheater is putting all his emotional eggs in another woman's basket, it's not compartmentalizing because he wasn't being a good husband when he WAS around.

One's true colors tend to appear during the worst times. Let us not make it about you. You obviously have forgiven yourself.

Np. You appear to be a pillar of perfection. Because you live up on your high horse, I will spell it out for you. People are allowed to make mistakes. Said people are also allied to forgive themselves. That information may come in handy when you, some day which invariably will happen, you fuck up and hurt somebody.

[Anonymous]

Op again. The thing is, I think the PPD was the last straw, so to speak. I used to be be not super demonstrative with my emotions due to a seriously shitty childhood/family. So I was not touchy-feely before the baby. I did tell my husband I loved him and we did have an active sex life, but I think he wasn't getting what worked for him. If he had not had the affair, I would take 50/50 blame for our issues. I am willing to look inward and I want to be a better person. I don't want my partner to feel unloved. I want to be a source of comfort and love, and that's what I want from a partner. The problem is he never once told me how he felt, he just kept it inside. My PPD manifested in a lot of anxiety for me along with sadness. He totally misread it. And he acted completely selfishly and had an affair.

So now I'm left with a lot of guilt over how I should have been more emotionally available before the baby. It's messed up but I do feel sorry for him. I want him to be happy. But I know that my reaction to our problems was to try to work on our relationship. I arranged for marriage counseling for us while he was having an affair (unbeknownst to me at the time). It makes me question his character that he went the opposite direction when the going got tough.

I don't think he's a terrible person. But it might turn out he is a terrible person for me. I love him and I want both of us to be happy, preferably together. I just want to know if he will be able to do the work he needs to basically not be selfish and just protecting himself.

[Anonymous]

Op, how would you describe your DH and marriage before the baby, the PPD and the affair?
Maybe that would give you some courage to hang in there, if it was good.

[Anonymous]

Solo therapy, OP. Keep going. And DH needs to go to solo therapy himself.