Reply to If you had an affair, did you bury your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Men- What exactly do you mean when you say you can compartmentalize the AP? I've heard this many times and truly don't get it .... Help?[/quote]

When I was with my AP, I was with her.  I liked her, cared about her, but she wasn't my wife, she wasn't the mother of my children.  She was an awesome, fun, sexy woman who actually enjoyed having sex with me, which was so awesome after years of a DW who could take or leave (mostly leave) sex.  When I was with my family, I didn't think of my AP very often, except when I was getting rejected sexually by my DW which wasn't that often because I knew it was futile to even try to initiate.

At some point, my DW sensed our connection eroding.  It's not possible for me (and I think for many men and I am sure women) to maintain intimacy without sex.  She decided to put an effort into our sex life, it made the affair less necessary.  AP and I eventually stopped, me and DW resumed.

I know I will get flamed for this, but AP helped me stay married.  I had an outlet for sexual touch that my DW cut-off.  Without it, I would have boiled over in resentment at DW.  [/quote]

Not flaming but agreeing. My affair basically kept me sane and calm enough for long enough that eventually I recognized the non-sustainability of my broken marriage and outsourced sex life. Similar story: wife completely lost her libido and didn't care enough about me to even work on that aspect. Without the affair, I would have been a total flaming a-hole and surely we would have divorced. But, like you I could have fun with my AP and then, upon arriving home, do a complete mental context switch and actually appreciate my wife for all of her non-sexual qualities.  Prior to the affair, I could not see past the brokenness of our sexless marriage.

As to compartmentalization: my AP was just a pleasant dirty secret in the back of my mind. Do you ever spend a day going commando (without underwear)? Its like this constant low-grade source of arousal that the outside world can't see and (hopefully) you just act totally normal while enjoying these occasionally strong sexy thoughts. That is my take on compartmentalization. I eventually broke off the affair and laid an ultimatum on the wife, it seems the prospect of divorce has inspired her to find a normal appearing libido again. Maybe SHE is now compartmentalizing? If so that is a pretty good charade![/quote]

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