Reply to If you had an affair, did you bury your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I think you need a break from him. Can he move out for a few months? During this time, you need to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of your marriage. He needs to go to individual counseling and grieve the loss of his other relationship, without you having to watch. And you both need space to figure out if this marriage is worth saving.

I think the separation needs to be real (not just him sleeping in the guest room), and for a real amount of time (not just sleeping at a buddy's house for a week), so that you know neither of you is making a knee-jerk reaction to save the marriage. Agree on visitation for the kids, and what you're doing about the holidays.

In the new year, maybe you start talking with your marriage counselor about reconciling and him moving back in, or making the separation a little more permanent.[/quote]

NP here: I don't agree with the above advice. IF DH is still emotionally distant/cut off from OP and the marriage, he may leave and never come back. He may resume the affair he's mourning or start another.

OTOH, a DH that detached isn't very dear and doesn't have much care left for OP, so I think that he could have another affair unless he owns up to his role (lying, cheating, taking time away from OP and the new baby to be with AP) and stops blaming OP!

OP, I know you're trying to be fair to DH but: 1,DH is showing so much anger at you by drawing inward and only removing himself in a depression-like state that you're accepting all of his blame on you for his bad actions;
 2, you're letting him off the hook by constantly thinking about his feelings, implying that you're asking yourself would the affair not have happened if you had behaved differently;
 3,  the answer is "NO" it's not your fault -- lots of new moms and dads get depressed after the baby comes but not everybody has an affair;
 4, DH is not letting you get in touch with your own anger for what he did;
 5, DH should at the very least stop "mourning his AP" as a way of elevating her above the relationship and giving himself an emotional out to what he did (it's OK to miss someone but he's still running away emotionally)!

Good luck, OP, but I honestly think that your DH is still very much a brick wall to healing this marriage.
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