Generalizing: husbands and IL relationship management

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you on the "helping," while great, isn't the same as managing. A good friend once told me the first time she her new husband said "how can I help" she let him know in no uncertain, terms that ther was no "helping" in a partnership. You don't come home to a roommate and ask how you can help them clean up the house. You do your share of the chores. Anyway, this story always gives me hope, or at least makes me feel better that there is no reason I have to be the only one managing, even if in reality I am.

OP here. It's tough, because I honestly think sometimes husbands don't "see" what needs to be done the way that wives do. (Yes, I am generalizing again, I know that.) So when we discuss priorities/work loads being off balance, my husband always says in frustration, "But I do everything that you ask me to do." Sigh. THAT'S THE PROBLEM!

It's funny how they so often manage to "see" when it's necessary for their careers, yet can't "see" a damn thing at home.

[Anonymous]

You know, I could have ended up that wife who does all the IL management, but my MIL treated me in some ways early on that made me step back completely. While I wish she and I had had a smoother road, I am very grateful that I pretty early on let DH handle his family. ("You're afraid I'm stealing your son away from you? Fine, let him handle things.") He doesn't always do things the way I would, and I have cringed, but he and I have worked it out and any fallout with his parents is his. For instance, I have nothing to do with his parents' birthdays, so it's on him to remember and do something.

My ILs have never explicitly stated that they expected anything like that out of me, but I do know that my MIL definitely managed both sides of the family in terms of visits and such, but she was also a SAHM. She's dropped stories of how she handled grandparent visits and various family things here and there. The dynamics of us being both working parents plus long distance have taken some adjustment.

After being cold to me for some time when we did see each other, my MIL somehow expected to be way more involved and visiting us more frequently after our first was born than the situation warranted. It was very aggravating to me--oh, now that I've had a kid, you want to be around, even though you barely have civil exchanges with me.

It's gotten better--and the main reason it has gotten better is because DH has been the one talking with his family, explaining things to his mom about our situation, etc. She's finally somehow realized that if she doesn't interrupt or criticize every other word out of my mouth, we can have a decent conversation. I have also grown willing to accept help from them occasionally, which seems to really matter to my MIL.

But if you are uncomfortable OP, talk with your DH. He's the one you need on your side, and if you are overwhelmed, tell him. It's really his responsibility to handle that relationship--and frankly part of that is defending you and saying something like, "Gosh, Mom, let me, your own son, be the one to call you" etc.

[Anonymous]

I actually expected that my ILs would want to visit more now that we have a child, even though they rarely visited before. My mom sure visits more. Its never bothered me. Snwoflake is ADORABLE! Way more fun than me, at any rate. And, it gives us all something to focus on instead of eachother.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain, OP. Once my DH and I were engaged, my MIL began to completely bypass DH and would only call me to make plans, stay in touch, etc. I put up with it reluctantly at first because I wanted her to like me. However, shortly after we were married, she flat out told me that the burden of staying in touch with DH's family, remembering their birthdays, anniversaries, sending cards, etc. falls on ME and that in their family, the women handle it because "you know how men are." This was said after I was asked why we aren't calling DH's grandpa more often. I told her that DH is a grown man and that I was not going to nag him to call or make plans with his family - and that I was never going to commit to any plans, vacations, etc. without his input. It has taken YEARS but she now communicates directly with DH and completely bypasses me for that stuff. I do occasionally remind DH to call on birthdays, and I'm always the one who buys cards to send (although he usually signs them). I let him manage his family, and I manage mine.

[Anonymous]

Just keep staying the course OP.
I have made it clear as well that anything related to DH's family is 100% his responsibility and, therefore, all the disappointment that we are failing his family in hundreds of different ways falls on him. It has cut down the complaining and guilting about 50% and I can stay out of the drama.

I ignore the pages long emails I'm cc'd on, I look at DH when asked "why aren't you taking the kids to California to see us more" and say nothing.

[Anonymous]

It's just interesting that in one generation there seems to be a shift that was so obviously necessary--don't burden the wife with everything; husbands should be responsible for the care and keeping of their family relationships. And when frustration points occur, it seems that ILs blame the DILs.

As usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to say up front that I know I'm making a lot of generalizations here, and I know that some husbands definitely do manage their relationships with their families very well.

That being said, it seems like the majority of the time, it is left to the wife to manage all family relationships, including with her husband's family. I'm talking about remembering/acknowledging birthdays, sending holiday cards, making travel/visit arrangements, cleaning and cooking and planning activities for guests, reminding DH to call his parents every now and then...the works.

My husband has gotten a lot better about this over the years, but mostly because I've communicated with him about my preferences, expectations and boundaries. His "default" was basically doing noting.

And then it hit me recently--that's what he was taught to do by example growing up! His parents and aunt keep sending ME e-mails and calling me about THEIR family reunion. (They did this even before we had children.) His parents as ME when would be a good time to visit, and always ask me what the plans are/what meals we will eat, etc. The exception has always been gifts...they only thank him for gifts, even though the cards clearly say from both of us, and it's quite obvious that I help with the gift selection. My FIL once told me that my MIL wants *me* to call more. I do send her e-mails of kid pics frequently, but I call my parents every weekend--I'll ask if DH has called his, but I'm not going to make him call them, and I'm not going to call them on my own.

Does anyone else wonder about this/struggle with this dynamic and these expectations? How do you operate in this dynamic?

In my DH's world, women are raised as second class citizens - though they are as white as snow (its not a cultural issue). Plus, in DH's family, no one owns their shit. (!!!!!)

MIL runs and jumps, to a ridiculous level, with/for the BIL's - while women are to sit back and nod "yes', "yes', "yes". It is bizarre to watch. In my family, women are treated as capable, strong, equal human beings. So it has been an adjustment, but DH handles his side, because it really is beyond my realm of possibilities and understanding (nor do I wish to accept it). The ILs only claim to be "family" or "close" to each other or back each other up (not really) - when they want something. It is extremely self serving, predictable, and hostile - so I stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just interesting that in one generation there seems to be a shift that was so obviously necessary--don't burden the wife with everything; husbands should be responsible for the care and keeping of their family relationships. And when frustration points occur, it seems that ILs blame the DILs.

As usual.

+1

Especially if time has made the Mil bitter - well before DIL came along!

[Anonymous]

I handle Thanksgiving, Christmas, and MIL's birthday. I make our family plans and then I tell my husband to call MIL and tell her what time she should expect to be picked up. I do nothing else. It is up to my husband to plan getting together with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was very clear about this from day one. It is not my job to maintain all family relationships. I generally handle communication/birthday cards/gifts/issues with my side, he handles them with his. He is an adult and does not need help talking to his mom.

I'm like this too. I may remind him it it's his mom's birthday. But it's on him to call her. I don't care if he does or doesn't.
I'm not doing these things for him. I have never ever made plans with his family, who would I? He doesn't do that with my family.

[Anonymous]

I think when family visiting is discussed - or any topic which needs agreement - it's best to email. Email lets people consider before responding. And there is a record of what's been agreed to. Keep the message simple, and the thread inclusive. Assume people state what they mean, and mean what they say. No good comes from "reading between the lines" State if a decision needs to be made by a certain date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when family visiting is discussed - or any topic which needs agreement - it's best to email. Email lets people consider before responding. And there is a record of what's been agreed to. Keep the message simple, and the thread inclusive. Assume people state what they mean, and mean what they say. No good comes from "reading between the lines" State if a decision needs to be made by a certain date.

As long as I'm only on the cc: line,

[Anonymous]

I also broke the cycle of DIL duties! I made clear to DH that I wouldn't be buying any presents or cards for birthdays or Christmas. He makes his own plans to visit his parents (who live far away), and calls them on his own schedule.

That said, I have two boys and I have talked to DH about modeling how to treat Mom as an adult male. To stay in touch, communicate, etc. Cause I'm gonna be there pretty soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also broke the cycle of DIL duties! I made clear to DH that I wouldn't be buying any presents or cards for birthdays or Christmas. He makes his own plans to visit his parents (who live far away), and calls them on his own schedule.

That said, I have two boys and I have talked to DH about modeling how to treat Mom as an adult male. To stay in touch, communicate, etc. Cause I'm gonna be there pretty soon.

+1 that's how we roll

[Anonymous]

DH and I were together for a long time before we married. Suddenly, after we married all of his family duties were left to me. I put up with it until I had kids. Managing my kids' schedules and relationships with my own family were enough. DH's family of origin was left to him. Like other posters have observed, it's just too much. Like others, I'd hand the phone to him to answer his relatives' questions. When there was a family event, it was up to him to orchestrate with his family.

Here's how I put it: if they want to see you. If you want to see them, you have to talk to them directly, just like you would to me, to your friends, to our kids' friends. If you really want to see them, you'll make an effort.

Guess what? He never sees them.

Is it my fault? Absolutely not. My hands are full.

Do I feel guilty anyway? Frequently. That's societal brainwashing. It has to stop.

When DH wants to see his family, he will. If not, that's his choice.

To put it in cliche form: I'm his wife, not his mother.