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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just want to say up front that I know I'm making a lot of generalizations here, and I know that some husbands definitely do manage their relationships with their families very well.

That being said, it seems like the majority of the time, it is left to the wife to manage all family relationships, including with her husband's family. I'm talking about remembering/acknowledging birthdays, sending holiday cards, making travel/visit arrangements, cleaning and cooking and planning activities for guests, reminding DH to call his parents every now and then...the works.

My husband has gotten a lot better about this over the years, but mostly because I've communicated with him about my preferences, expectations and boundaries. His "default" was basically doing noting.

And then it hit me recently--that's what he was taught to do by example growing up! His parents and aunt keep sending ME e-mails and calling me about THEIR family reunion. (They did this even before we had children.) His parents as ME when would be a good time to visit, and always ask me what the plans are/what meals we will eat, etc. The exception has always been gifts...they only thank him for gifts, even though the cards clearly say from both of us, and it's quite obvious that I help with the gift selection. My FIL once told me that my MIL wants *me* to call more. I do send her e-mails of kid pics frequently, but I call my parents every weekend--I'll ask if DH has called his, but I'm not going to make him call them, and I'm not going to call them on my own.

Does anyone else wonder about this/struggle with this dynamic and these expectations? How do you operate in this dynamic?[/quote]

In my DH's world, women are raised as second class citizens - though they are as white as snow (its not a cultural issue).  Plus, in DH's family, no one owns their shit. (!!!!!)

MIL runs and jumps, to a ridiculous level, with/for the BIL's - while women are to sit back and nod "yes', "yes', "yes".  It is bizarre to watch. In my family, women are treated as capable, strong, equal human beings.  So it has been an adjustment, but DH handles his side, because it really is beyond my realm of possibilities and understanding (nor do I wish to accept it).  The ILs only claim to be "family" or "close" to each other or back each other up (not really) - when they want something.  It is extremely self serving, predictable, and hostile - so I stay out of it. 
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