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[quote=Anonymous]You know, I could have ended up that wife who does all the IL management, but my MIL treated me in some ways early on that made me step back completely. While I wish she and I had had a smoother road, I am very grateful that I pretty early on let DH handle his family. ("You're afraid I'm stealing your son away from you? Fine, let him handle things.") He doesn't always do things the way I would, and I have cringed, but he and I have worked it out and any fallout with his parents is his. For instance, I have nothing to do with his parents' birthdays, so it's on him to remember and do something.

My ILs have never explicitly stated that they expected anything like that out of me, but I do know that my MIL definitely managed both sides of the family in terms of visits and such, but she was also a SAHM. She's dropped stories of how she handled grandparent visits and various family things here and there. The dynamics of us being both working parents plus long distance have taken some adjustment.

After being cold to me for some time when we did see each other, my MIL somehow expected to be way more involved and visiting us more frequently after our first was born than the situation warranted.  It was very aggravating to me--oh, now that I've had a kid, you want to be around, even though you barely have civil exchanges with me.

It's gotten better--and the main reason it has gotten better is because DH has been the one talking with his family, explaining things to his mom about our situation, etc. She's finally somehow realized that if she doesn't interrupt or criticize every other word out of my mouth, we can have a decent conversation. I have also grown willing to accept help from them occasionally, which seems to really matter to my MIL.

But if you are uncomfortable OP, talk with your DH. He's the one you need on your side, and if you are overwhelmed, tell him. It's really his responsibility to handle that relationship--and frankly part of that is defending you and saying something like, "Gosh, Mom, let me, your own son, be the one to call you" etc.

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