Generalizing: husbands and IL relationship management

[Anonymous]

Just want to say up front that I know I'm making a lot of generalizations here, and I know that some husbands definitely do manage their relationships with their families very well.

That being said, it seems like the majority of the time, it is left to the wife to manage all family relationships, including with her husband's family. I'm talking about remembering/acknowledging birthdays, sending holiday cards, making travel/visit arrangements, cleaning and cooking and planning activities for guests, reminding DH to call his parents every now and then...the works.

My husband has gotten a lot better about this over the years, but mostly because I've communicated with him about my preferences, expectations and boundaries. His "default" was basically doing noting.

And then it hit me recently--that's what he was taught to do by example growing up! His parents and aunt keep sending ME e-mails and calling me about THEIR family reunion. (They did this even before we had children.) His parents as ME when would be a good time to visit, and always ask me what the plans are/what meals we will eat, etc. The exception has always been gifts...they only thank him for gifts, even though the cards clearly say from both of us, and it's quite obvious that I help with the gift selection. My FIL once told me that my MIL wants *me* to call more. I do send her e-mails of kid pics frequently, but I call my parents every weekend--I'll ask if DH has called his, but I'm not going to make him call them, and I'm not going to call them on my own.

Does anyone else wonder about this/struggle with this dynamic and these expectations? How do you operate in this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

I agree that the onus of building/maintaining relationships gets placed on women.

[Anonymous]

I took a pretty hard line. I let them know by dropping it into conversation that DH is responsible for gifts, scheduling visits, etc. And then I Don't Do Anything. Seriously. If MIL calls my cell and asks about a visit, I say we would absolutely love to see them, and then I pass my phone right over to DH. After some years of me stonewalling, they have gotten the idea.

However, you can only do this if you really are ok with letting DH do it his way. His attitude is "why should I clean up for guests, when my mom will clean when she gets here" and this makes me want to die of shame. He will buy all gifts on Dec. 24th and pay hundreds of dollars for expedited shipping. But I hold the line. If you can't follow through on this, then it's better to deal with the family stuff yourself and have your DH do other tasks.

Also, be sure to be social with your MIL. Don't make her feel rejected by you. Just say that DH is in charge of the plans, and ask her questions about her life. So maybe you could call her once a month "just because", without thinking of weekly calls as your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

SIL is very consistent. If I call with a question and it involves my brother and his side of the family, she will not answer ever. She hands the phone to him, or says he'll call back. I don't get very good, or timely information from my brother and when it involves logistics it can be very frustrating. But I think it's so my SIL doesn't disappoint - it's not about her not meeting an obligation, it's out of her hands and she makes that clear by not taking-on any planning if it involves brother's side of the family. It's frustrating and yet I understand, and respect her for it, especially her consistency.

[Anonymous]

I'm another who's been pretty strict on sticking to this and I can honestly say my inlaws don't like me because of it. I think if I could do things differently I would, however I would be very resentful of having to be the point person for everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all these responses. It looks like consistency is the name of the game. Yes, it's tough when I am perceived as "cold" because I don't take this on myself, but working full-time, taking on most of the management of our children/household (even though DH helps a lot--"helping" is different from "managing"), I just can't take care of my family AND his.

12:33, wish I could be more social with my MIL, but that would just "open the floodgates." She already finds ways to offer unsolicited advice and make unreasonable demands at every turn, and I feel like if I give of myself even more, she'd take and expect more, more, more. It's sad, but true. I'm friendly toward her and do my very best to accommodate her, but it's never "enough." She doesn't just want some, she wants ALL.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, from the beginning I've let my DH handle his family. For one, its a big family and I just don't have the time or emotional energy. For two, after planning our wedding I was pretty burned out on trying to accommodate the preferences of DH's family (not that it is the only factor, but DH, my mom, and I paid for the wedding so it bugged me when DH's family wanted to add a lot if invitees to a wedding they were not helping out with financially). Actually, even during the wedding planning I let DH do most of the communication with his family am SO glad I did, even though it did result in one massive miscommunication. Sometimes my mom is tempted to call my SIL instead of my BIL to try and arrange a visit. I always encourage her to email both my BIL and SIL, or just call my BIL. They've only been married about 2 years and don't live close to my mom so I think it unfair for my mom to call up my SIL and ask "so when can I visit?"

[Anonymous]

I hear you on the "helping," while great, isn't the same as managing. A good friend once told me the first time she her new husband said "how can I help" she let him know in no uncertain, terms that ther was no "helping" in a partnership. You don't come home to a roommate and ask how you can help them clean up the house. You do your share of the chores. Anyway, this story always gives me hope, or at least makes me feel better that there is no reason I have to be the only one managing, even if in reality I am.

[Anonymous]

I have, from DAY ONE, left DH to his own devices in managing his relationships with his (large) family. He managed for 30+ years before I came on the scene and he has continued for 16 years of marriage.

What helps is that no one in his family assumes that I am responsible for communicating with them. I consider this fortunate.

[Anonymous]

I 100% leave it up to my husband to manage his family. He doesn't call as often as they'd like, but he calls/texts at least weekly. He arranges visits. He buys any and all presents.

His mother is difficult and it's just always been this way. We've been married 16 years, and oldest child is 10. Just last year I started emailing MIL to offer ideas for presents, and she'll reply to me or text me sometimes, but very very rarely.

For at least the first 8 years of our marriage she signed all cards Mr and Mrs {their last name}.

I'm not great at picking up, making phone calls, or buying presents. Doing a fairly reasonable job for my own family is all i can handle.

[Anonymous]

DH talks to his parents almost every day. I'd say 4-5 times a week. We both keep track of the birthdays. Every once in a while he'll get a card but I'd say 2 out of 3 times it's me who does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have, from DAY ONE, left DH to his own devices in managing his relationships with his (large) family. He managed for 30+ years before I came on the scene and he has continued for 16 years of marriage.

What helps is that no one in his family assumes that I am responsible for communicating with them. I consider this fortunate.

[Said in best Napoleon Dynamite voice:] "Luckkkkyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 100% leave it up to my husband to manage his family. He doesn't call as often as they'd like, but he calls/texts at least weekly. He arranges visits. He buys any and all presents.

His mother is difficult and it's just always been this way. We've been married 16 years, and oldest child is 10. Just last year I started emailing MIL to offer ideas for presents, and she'll reply to me or text me sometimes, but very very rarely.

For at least the first 8 years of our marriage she signed all cards Mr and Mrs {their last name}.

I'm not great at picking up, making phone calls, or buying presents. Doing a fairly reasonable job for my own family is all i can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you on the "helping," while great, isn't the same as managing. A good friend once told me the first time she her new husband said "how can I help" she let him know in no uncertain, terms that ther was no "helping" in a partnership. You don't come home to a roommate and ask how you can help them clean up the house. You do your share of the chores. Anyway, this story always gives me hope, or at least makes me feel better that there is no reason I have to be the only one managing, even if in reality I am.

OP here. It's tough, because I honestly think sometimes husbands don't "see" what needs to be done the way that wives do. (Yes, I am generalizing again, I know that.) So when we discuss priorities/work loads being off balance, my husband always says in frustration, "But I do everything that you ask me to do." Sigh. THAT'S THE PROBLEM!

[Anonymous]

I was very clear about this from day one. It is not my job to maintain all family relationships. I generally handle communication/birthday cards/gifts/issues with my side, he handles them with his. He is an adult and does not need help talking to his mom.