Generalizing: husbands and IL relationship management

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were together for a long time before we married. Suddenly, after we married all of his family duties were left to me. I put up with it until I had kids. Managing my kids' schedules and relationships with my own family were enough. DH's family of origin was left to him. Like other posters have observed, it's just too much. Like others, I'd hand the phone to him to answer his relatives' questions. When there was a family event, it was up to him to orchestrate with his family.

Here's how I put it: if they want to see you. If you want to see them, you have to talk to them directly, just like you would to me, to your friends, to our kids' friends. If you really want to see them, you'll make an effort.

Guess what? He never sees them.

Is it my fault? Absolutely not. My hands are full.

Do I feel guilty anyway? Frequently. That's societal brainwashing. It has to stop.

When DH wants to see his family, he will. If not, that's his choice.

To put it in cliche form: I'm his wife, not his mother.

And Any MIL and FILs who would complain should recognize THEY raised their son!

[Anonymous]

I understand PPs views, but I can't help but think that by disengaging and leaving everything up to DH, one can perpetuate the "blame the DIL" stereotype. DH's family is my family especially now that we have kids. Yes, I encourage DH to call and do the planning, but I will also randomly FaceTime so the kids can see their grandparents or email an update or link to an article that I think they may like. And yes, sometimes I'll get back with them on plans. Does DH do that with my side of the family? Maybe not as often, but he does. I just think that there can and perhaps should be more nuance than what some of the PPs have stated.

[Anonymous]

I used to care. I drew the line at Father's Day or Mother's Day stuff though. One year, my H was working insane hours, so I did him a favor by picking out a Mother's Day card for him to send. The same one I sent to my mother, so it wasn't some crappy 99 cent special or whatever. She called and complained about the card because it wasn't funny. Pardon me for not knowing that Mother's Day was a humorous event.

That was the last straw for me. I now leave it totally up to him and if they contact me, I forward the email to him for him to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand PPs views, but I can't help but think that by disengaging and leaving everything up to DH, one can perpetuate the "blame the DIL" stereotype. DH's family is my family especially now that we have kids. Yes, I encourage DH to call and do the planning, but I will also randomly FaceTime so the kids can see their grandparents or email an update or link to an article that I think they may like. And yes, sometimes I'll get back with them on plans. Does DH do that with my side of the family? Maybe not as often, but he does. I just think that there can and perhaps should be more nuance than what some of the PPs have stated.

Seems your dh should make more of an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to care. I drew the line at Father's Day or Mother's Day stuff though. One year, my H was working insane hours, so I did him a favor by picking out a Mother's Day card for him to send. The same one I sent to my mother, so it wasn't some crappy 99 cent special or whatever. She called and complained about the card because it wasn't funny. Pardon me for not knowing that Mother's Day was a humorous event.

That was the last straw for me. I now leave it totally up to him and if they contact me, I forward the email to him for him to deal with.

Wow...sorry about the card "incident!" That stinks.

[Anonymous]

Notice not a single hsuan do has posted to this thread...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the onus of building/maintaining relationships gets placed on women.

Our family is extremely nontraditional. DH cooks, does laundry, and is primary parent with respect to school/daycare. And yet... this is like the one wifey thing that falls 100 percent on me.

[Anonymous]

I don't enable and I don't write permission slips for bad behavior...or for unreasonable expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand PPs views, but I can't help but think that by disengaging and leaving everything up to DH, one can perpetuate the "blame the DIL" stereotype. DH's family is my family especially now that we have kids. Yes, I encourage DH to call and do the planning, but I will also randomly FaceTime so the kids can see their grandparents or email an update or link to an article that I think they may like. And yes, sometimes I'll get back with them on plans. Does DH do that with my side of the family? Maybe not as often, but he does. I just think that there can and perhaps should be more nuance than what some of the PPs have stated.

This is somewhat like our family as well. We met young and I have known my ILs for a very long time, I consider them my family not only by dint of my children but because I love them too. And I'm simply better at maintaining relationships than DH is so I will make an effort to ensure my kids are seeing their grandparents / great grandparents, drop by and say hi, etc., and in fact have made some not insignificant efforts (multi day road trips) to get my kids to see their great-grandparents because I think it's important to do that for family. Of course it also helps that my MIL is incredibly appreciative of these efforts to see her Mom and makes that known.

But I have drawn the line at logistical planning involving DH. I get that he can be hard to get a hold of - he's like that with me too and it drives me crazy. So no way am I volunteering to be go between on that. I've gotten very good at responding to phone calls with some variation of 'Dh is planning that - you'll need to talk to to him, I don't know'.

[Anonymous]

I just don't do it, lol. I never have. He manages his side and I manage mine.

If he forgets his mother's birthday, then his mother doesn't get shit. If he remembers his father's birthday but doesn't pick out a gift, then all he gets is a call or card or whatever he remembered. When he forgot to send his dad a father's day gift, his dad was pissed at me and I couldn't have cared less. Just gave FIL a big grin and hug and asked how father's day was. His aunt spammed me with invites to an in-town get together and I kept directing her to DH. She never reached out to DH, so when the day arrived, DH didn't know the details and we didn't show. The next time, his aunt made sure to keep DH in the loop.

It only took a couple of years of refusing to even acknowledge expectations, talk less of meet them, before they all got it. I am not going to let anyone dump extra shit on my plate just because I am a woman. DH and in laws know that DH is their point of contact and I am my family's point of contact.

[Anonymous]

So looking back, I think I *tried* to manage my DH's family and it kept blowing up in my face. Eventually I learned to just let him handle it and things have gone better. I didn't even realize I was doing it, to be honest. I thought I was making it easier to just talk to my in-laws directly. Wrong! Thankfully my DH has been doing the talking for awhile and it's been much much better. The key is that before he makes plans with them, he and I get on the same page. Anytime they ask for a visit or something, he'll check with me and then comes back with our joint answer.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Why do women raise sons that don't know how to properly buy a gift and give one? DH didn't even know his parents, grandparents and sister's birthdays until I started writing them down.

The thing that annoys me the most about this dynamic is that when we don't see my inlaws, it's ME that gets blamed and not him. Except my DH travels 3 weeks out of the month and has a hectic work schedule, but the lack of visits is somehow due to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the onus of building/maintaining relationships gets placed on women.

Our family is extremely nontraditional. DH cooks, does laundry, and is primary parent with respect to school/daycare. And yet... this is like the one wifey thing that falls 100 percent on me.

I agree. My DH does his full 50%, but relationships are ALL on me. This was a recent conversation:
me: "What do you want to give your mom for her birthday?"
DH: "Idk, what did you buy her?"

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Why do women raise sons that don't know how to properly buy a gift and give one? DH didn't even know his parents, grandparents and sister's birthdays until I started writing them down.

The thing that annoys me the most about this dynamic is that when we don't see my inlaws, it's ME that gets blamed and not him. Except my DH travels 3 weeks out of the month and has a hectic work schedule, but the lack of visits is somehow due to me.

Why don't men raise sons that don't know how to properly buy a gift and give one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Why do women raise sons that don't know how to properly buy a gift and give one? DH didn't even know his parents, grandparents and sister's birthdays until I started writing them down.

The thing that annoys me the most about this dynamic is that when we don't see my inlaws, it's ME that gets blamed and not him. Except my DH travels 3 weeks out of the month and has a hectic work schedule, but the lack of visits is somehow due to me.

Why don't men raise sons that don't know how to properly buy a gift and give one?

A-MEN!