Argument with DH...left me in the car

[Anonymous]

DH here. Having trouble taking sides on this. Like others, I sense that there is more that led up to this and it wasn't just this discussion that caused the reaction.

OP, I think you over-reacted at his observation that he thought the woman was beautiful. I make similar comments to DW on occasion. ("Wow, your new co-worker's girlfriend is quite a looker, huh?") We've been married 20+ years. She doesn't take offense to such meaningless observations. (Though if I continued, "and I'd like to hold her down and slap that ass...", then she'd definitely object.)

That said, his response seems excessive and childish. But that also makes me wonder why. As a guy, I read his response as someone who feels (rightly or wrongly) that he's tired of being harped at and simply has had enough. I can't say if that's the case, but the way he acted suggests he thinks that. No one, DH or DW wants to feel as if they can't speak freely in front of the other without having their words parsed.

So, not sure really. It's your story told from your perspective. I'd be fascinated to hear his side.

[Anonymous]

You've been married ONE MONTH and this is happening?

I think there is a lot of context in a situation like this that determines whether your DH calling the woman beautiful and telling you about it is weird or not. Do you and your DH have a non-jealous vibe where you comment on the opposite sex in good fun? My DH and I do. We will joke around about a hot barista or the hot waiter or something. In my relationship, your DH's story would have been fine. In yours, it might not be fine.

Getting out of the car is odd behavior and certainly indicates that either a) he's pretty over you and has some serious unspoken issues OR b) he's very immature. Neither bodes well for your relationship when you've been married one month. This is probably tough to hear, but things shouldn't be this hard yet (if ever). Life will get more and more stressful (kids, aging parents, health issues, etc.), not less stressful. Stay on birth control until you figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both have a tendency to escalate arguments into drama. Get some counseling to learn healthy ways to sort things out.

[Anonymous]

You two need some counseling. You're both insecure, immature and lacking in communication skills. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP - I wouldn't haven't gotten upset if he spoke his mind and told me he found the barista beautiful. He's done that before about other females...sure...but he told the barista this. And according to him- she thought he was flirting with him because she asked him "isn't the woman you come here with your wife?" He thought it was funny. I don't care to know these things. He even said later that, he realized it wouldn't have been the right thing to say after he had said it.

I felt uncomfortable and Bothered by it but I wasn't harping on him about it. Just told him he would feel the same way if I ever spoke to another guy like that. What bothered me more is his childish reaction. Speeding out of the restaurant parking and leaving me in the car hanging like that, instead of just talking to me about it.

We never argued like this before. He's never acted like this before but I've see him get upset at people over little things. He's been suffering from depression and has an appointment to see a therapist today.

[Anonymous]

Call a mulligan on this marriage. Things get harder, not easier as time goes on, especially once kids are in the picture. I wish I had heeded the warning signs early in my marriage.
And definitely stay on birth control. Once you have kids, you are in each others' lives forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into an argument the other night in the car during the bad thunderstorm. He got me a smoothie at our go to place while I was running errands that day. He wanted to take me out to dinner. I thought it was sweet. He started running through a conversation he had with the lady that works at the juice place - telling me a little bit about her, her age etc, and then how he told her she was beautiful. I asked why he would say such a thing, that if I would say the same thing to another man he would be upset. He said it wasn't meant to be a big deal, he was only trying to be funny and friendly. He also said he didn't find her to be attractive and that it wasn't a big deal. I told him how upset I am over this and how uncomfortable it made me feel, and I didn't even know what his intent was for even telling me this but to make me feel bad. He turned the car around and said "So I guess this means you don't want to have dinner." I just kept quiet. After we stopped at a red light at an intersection, he puts the car on park and leaves me in the car. It's raining hard. I don't know where he went And I'm just sitting in the car stranded. I tried to call him a few times but he won't answer his phone. I then go into the driver's seat and drive around looking for him. I go into two stores to see if they've seen him and finally I spot him walking outside the strip mall. I tell him to get in the car, get out of this bad weather and talk about this like adults. He said he's not ready to talk and needs his space. He tells me to go home. I told him I'm not going to just leave him here alone during this bad weather. After much coaxing, he finally gets into the car and we talk things out in the car. He tells me things haven't been good between us and he thinks it would be best if we take a break from each other. I haven't talked to him much over the weekend, trying to give him the space he needs but I'm also really upset and bothered that he would just leave me in the car in the middle of the road like that, and walk away just like that.
I don't know how to proceed.[/quote]

Parapraphs would be a good start.
That said, he sounds immature. How long have you been married? Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the responses. He doesn't want to separate. We just got married a month ago. Things just haven't been good between us this past week. I got rear ended a few days ago, that left me injured and out of work. I've been mopey dealing with that. DH works 70-80 hours a week. So we've been short with one another. He told me he didn't want to blow up at me, so he had to leave. He just needed some space. I should have given him his spac but I was just confused and needed to make sure he was ok.

WTF? A month!!!! Get out now and cut your losses. You guys are not going to make it for the long haul. Straight up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF? A month!!!! Get out now and cut your losses. You guys are not going to make it for the long haul. Straight up

Seems pretty ominous, for sure. OP...how old and how long were you together before you married? Feels like you don't know each other very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

PP, your post above has so much inflammatory, insulting language in it that I think YOU'RE the big fat drama queen. Also, read more carefully - this isn't some barista "he'll never see again in his life" - OP specifically mentioned that this is their "go-to place" for smoothies. Stop being such a rude little bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the responses. He doesn't want to separate. We just got married a month ago. Things just haven't been good between us this past week. I got rear ended a few days ago, that left me injured and out of work. I've been mopey dealing with that. DH works 70-80 hours a week. So we've been short with one another. He told me he didn't want to blow up at me, so he had to leave. He just needed some space. I should have given him his spac but I was just confused and needed to make sure he was ok.

OP, while it might be normal (if sleazy) for a man who's been married a month to be flirting with a barista, it is NOT normal for him to tell his wife about it.

I agree with the PPs who suggest counseling, because it seems like you have an opportunity to get your marriage back on the right track before they get truly derailed.

That said, when he told you to go, you should have gone. At that point, you say, "Do you have cab fare home?" and then "I'll see you at home. I'm ready to talk whenever you are." Then you go, calm yourself down and think about how to have a conversation about the things that are upsetting you both without being confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

Actually, he told his new wife all about this woman and also mentioned that he told her she was beautiful, but then said to his wife that HE doesn't think she's pretty. Either way, it's way inappropriate. There are attractive men in the world, but I don't go telling my husband every time I see one. I certainly would not, as a married woman, engage a strange man in conversation about how attractive he is.

[Anonymous]

How old are you both? Sounds like some immaturity on both sides. You need to learn how to communicate better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Did he say it like he was baiting you or was it just part of the conversation? My husband is free to think other women are beautiful and to tell them so as long as he's not trying to start an affair with them, and I wouldn't feel threatened by the conversation your relate. Kind of sounds like he did something nice for you and then you were extra sensitive and got on him for something small.

And as for being 'stranded' - how on earth is him walking away leaving you with the car & keys 'stranding' you? Is stalking off the most mature thing? No, of course not. But you weren't 'stranded' since your follow up post makes it very clear the car was drive able and you weren't somewhere lost without a phone or directions.

Now mind you I'm not saying he's right / you're wrong - most relationship issues are a 2 way street and I'm sure this one is complex as they all are. But turn a critical eye on yourself here OP. You're a grown woman - stop acting like you're a victim rather than a partner in this dynamic.

He got out of the car without a warning! It was storming out and there was a car behind me. I knew he was upset but I didn't think he would just leave right then and there in the middle of the intersection.

I maintain my position that this is not 'stranding' you. Again, not excusing his behavior because I agree it was unreasonable - he should have at least gotten the car safely out of the intersection! - but you choose to describe the events in language that paints you as a helpless victim, and that is worth investigating.

I also think you should ask yourself if your communication style contributed. From your later posts it sounds like your DH was later able to acknowledge that what he said came off wrong, but that his brain didn't catch it before it came out. So a simple 'I don't like to hear those things' would probably get you better results than to continue asking him why he said that, what he was thinking, etc. I'm guessing you're the type who likes to tease out meaning in words and hash out this stuff until you get to an agreement, and I get that because I'm the same way. But turns out lots of people AREN'T that way and need time and space to process things alone. In my case both my DH and my oldest child are like that, and things go much, much better if I give them the space to process their thoughts and feelings before I try to talk to them about it. They also both get angry out of self defense when they feel attacked / blamed, and while that's not 'right' it's a pretty common psychological reaction, and they are both very difficult to talk to when they feel like that. If I wait until their logical brain is back in control rather than pushing at the time they are both actually really good at listening to my points, seeing their role in the situation and trying to change the issue.

[Anonymous]

One month into marriage, it sounds like your dh was regretting his loss of freedom pretty much as soon as he got hitched. The incident sounds like he was testing you, to see what freedom you would allow him, and when you "failed" his test, he wanted out.

I do wonder if you have certain issues as well that might cause him to feel trapped. The way you described the incident, you made yourself sound helpless. He did not leave you "stranded". If he kicked you out of the car in the rain and drove off, that would be stranded. It's possible that you have fears of abandonment, which is pushing your dh away. I admit that's a huge presumption, but given the way you told the story, it seems like a possibility.

Whatever the issue, I think trying counseling would be a good idea. You want to at least try to work out your issues before you throw in the towel. That way you have no regrets. The worst thing you can do is ignore the issues and hope they go away.

Good luck op.