Argument with DH...left me in the car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into an argument the other night in the car during the bad thunderstorm. He got me a smoothie at our go to place while I was running errands that day. He wanted to take me out to dinner. I thought it was sweet. He started running through a conversation he had with the lady that works at the juice place - telling me a little bit about her, her age etc, and then how he told her she was beautiful. I asked why he would say such a thing, that if I would say the same thing to another man he would be upset. He said it wasn't meant to be a big deal, he was only trying to be funny and friendly. He also said he didn't find her to be attractive and that it wasn't a big deal. I told him how upset I am over this and how uncomfortable it made me feel, and I didn't even know what his intent was for even telling me this but to make me feel bad. He turned the car around and said "So I guess this means you don't want to have dinner." I just kept quiet. After we stopped at a red light at an intersection, he puts the car on park and leaves me in the car. It's raining hard. I don't know where he went And I'm just sitting in the car stranded. I tried to call him a few times but he won't answer his phone. I then go into the driver's seat and drive around looking for him. I go into two stores to see if they've seen him and finally I spot him walking outside the strip mall. I tell him to get in the car, get out of this bad weather and talk about this like adults. He said he's not ready to talk and needs his space. He tells me to go home. I told him I'm not going to just leave him here alone during this bad weather. After much coaxing, he finally gets into the car and we talk things out in the car. He tells me things haven't been good between us and he thinks it would be best if we take a break from each other. I haven't talked to him much over the weekend, trying to give him the space he needs but I'm also really upset and bothered that he would just leave me in the car in the middle of the road like that, and walk away just like that.
I don't know how to proceed.

I'm still struck that, after all this, OPs takeaway is "he left me stranded in the car." OP, that's not a top 5 of your problems here.

[Anonymous]

We are both on our early 30s, and no we don't have children. Everything has been great since a week ago, things just haven't been going right in our individual lives and we've been snapping at each other. My DH is usually the one that likes to talk things out after an argument, while I like to go out for a walk and cool things off a bit, which is probably what he wanted to do. We've had little fights before, but nothing like this where he ran off. It would have been nice if he just parked the car in a safe place and said he wanted to cool down or picked up his phone and explained it to me. I panicked when he just left without warning, and I wanted to make sure he was ok.

I gave him some space this weekend. He talked to me a little bit on his own.

[Anonymous]

Ay yi yi. Married one month and fighting like this? Get counseling. You guys both need to be nicer to each other if you want this marriage to last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.

I agree with this. I don't think the OP over reacted. I'd be upset about a SO flirting with another woman, and THEN telling me about it. It demonstrates he has no concern for my feelings. It also does sound like he's trying to pick a fight and checked out emotionally already.

So you'd prefer he'd flirt and NOT tell you about it? The fact that he's telling you about it makes clear that it wasn't a big deal to him because he felt comfortable talking to you about it. He feels comfortable in his relationship with you so he's free to tell some random woman that she's beautiful. It's not like he was going to ask her out. All you've done with this argument is convinced him to hide things from you that he otherwise wouldn't find worth hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've been married ONE MONTH and this is happening?

I think there is a lot of context in a situation like this that determines whether your DH calling the woman beautiful and telling you about it is weird or not. Do you and your DH have a non-jealous vibe where you comment on the opposite sex in good fun? My DH and I do. We will joke around about a hot barista or the hot waiter or something. In my relationship, your DH's story would have been fine. In yours, it might not be fine.

Getting out of the car is odd behavior and certainly indicates that either a) he's pretty over you and has some serious unspoken issues OR b) he's very immature. Neither bodes well for your relationship when you've been married one month. This is probably tough to hear, but things shouldn't be this hard yet (if ever). Life will get more and more stressful (kids, aging parents, health issues, etc.), not less stressful. Stay on birth control until you figure this out.

+1 This is right on. Life just gets more complicated. You guys need to learn how to communicate effectively before you have kids.

[Anonymous]

I just don't see what purpose it served to tell me? Umm does he want a "well good
for you?" Is hearing that supposed to make me feel good? Some things you should just keep to yourself. It wasn't very tactful at all. I just got in an accident two days before that and have a knee and neck injury so I wasn't exactly feeling like myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

Actually, he told his new wife all about this woman and also mentioned that he told her she was beautiful, but then said to his wife that HE doesn't think she's pretty. Either way, it's way inappropriate. There are attractive men in the world, but I don't go telling my husband every time I see one. I certainly would not, as a married woman, engage a strange man in conversation about how attractive he is.

He didn't tell his wife ALL about this woman. What he knows about this woman would probably fill less than a quarter of a page. He told his wife "she's not pretty" after the wife chided him for telling him she is. In any event, this is SO petty and meaningless, it shouldn't even merit a reaction other than a raised eyebrow and kindly "too much information, dear, where are we going for dinner?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

PP, your post above has so much inflammatory, insulting language in it that I think YOU'RE the big fat drama queen. Also, read more carefully - this isn't some barista "he'll never see again in his life" - OP specifically mentioned that this is their "go-to place" for smoothies. Stop being such a rude little bully.

If you find this language insulting, you should probably unclench, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into an argument the other night in the car during the bad thunderstorm. He got me a smoothie at our go to place while I was running errands that day. He wanted to take me out to dinner. I thought it was sweet. He started running through a conversation he had with the lady that works at the juice place - telling me a little bit about her, her age etc, and then how he told her she was beautiful. I asked why he would say such a thing, that if I would say the same thing to another man he would be upset. He said it wasn't meant to be a big deal, he was only trying to be funny and friendly. He also said he didn't find her to be attractive and that it wasn't a big deal. I told him how upset I am over this and how uncomfortable it made me feel, and I didn't even know what his intent was for even telling me this but to make me feel bad. He turned the car around and said "So I guess this means you don't want to have dinner." I just kept quiet. After we stopped at a red light at an intersection, he puts the car on park and leaves me in the car. It's raining hard. I don't know where he went And I'm just sitting in the car stranded. I tried to call him a few times but he won't answer his phone. I then go into the driver's seat and drive around looking for him. I go into two stores to see if they've seen him and finally I spot him walking outside the strip mall. I tell him to get in the car, get out of this bad weather and talk about this like adults. He said he's not ready to talk and needs his space. He tells me to go home. I told him I'm not going to just leave him here alone during this bad weather. After much coaxing, he finally gets into the car and we talk things out in the car. He tells me things haven't been good between us and he thinks it would be best if we take a break from each other. I haven't talked to him much over the weekend, trying to give him the space he needs but I'm also really upset and bothered that he would just leave me in the car in the middle of the road like that, and walk away just like that.
I don't know how to proceed.

If he behaves like that, yes, he needs a break.

I wouldn't have driven around looking for him. I would have driven myself to the place we were going to have dinner at, I would have had my dinner and then I would have gone home. Don't reward bad behaviour, that's rule n. 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.

And some people just love, love, love to pick fights. It's a sport to them, a hobby.

That's something everyone should screen very early for in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't care he found someone beautiful...seriously. I just don't know what his intention was to even tell me this. That's all. And it wasn't like I blew up at him. It was more like "why are you telling me this, this isn't what I want to hear right now"...

[Anonymous]

It's weird that he told you about telling another woman she is beautiful, hours after the fact. But also not a big deal I think I would have said, oh, that's nice. Is Italian good for you for dinner?

What really gets me about this is that he was so out of control that he left a running car with no driver in the middle of the street during a storm and, I presume, in the dark. I can understand him needing some time, but the proper and mature thing to do would be to drive to a parking lot, park the car, and then go off.

He has issues. You sound like you do too. Definitely do not have kids anytime soon! And I think that reading some books on marriage or seeing a counselor might benefit you. The dynamic you experienced - him withdrawing, you following - is a common one in marriages, and the longer it goes on, the more entrenched it gets and is really detrimental.

One more thing I will say is that there is this fantasy that everything should be great in the newlywed period, and that is true for some but not for many. Being married is a huge adjustment and it is not unusual to have some difficulties in the beginning. Both of you are used to doing your own thing, and now you have someone else to consider.

BUT this seems extreme for newlywed adjustment problems. So I think there is more going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.

And some people just love, love, love to pick fights. It's a sport to them, a hobby.

That's something everyone should screen very early for in a relationship.

Intriguing idea, but how exactly does one test for this early in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both on our early 30s, and no we don't have children. Everything has been great since a week ago, things just haven't been going right in our individual lives and we've been snapping at each other. My DH is usually the one that likes to talk things out after an argument, while I like to go out for a walk and cool things off a bit, which is probably what he wanted to do. We've had little fights before, but nothing like this where he ran off. It would have been nice if he just parked the car in a safe place and said he wanted to cool down or picked up his phone and explained it to me. I panicked when he just left without warning, and I wanted to make sure he was ok.

I gave him some space this weekend. He talked to me a little bit on his own.

Okay, OP. As a part-time counselor, here is my read on the situation.

I partially agree with the PP who thinks that your husband is flipping out a little at BEING MARRIED and no longer being FREE. I think he will probably get over that, because you said that otherwise, things have been good. I think that the baseline issue is that you guys do not do well under pressure. Him working a ton is stressful for both of you. Is that a permanent condition or is it likely to ease up soon? If it's a permanent condition, you will both need to get right with that and figure out routines that work for you given those parameters. If it is temporary, you keep reminding yourselves that it's temporary. Maybe plan something fun to do together at the end of the tunnel so you have something to look forward to. Try not to nag/whine/mope about his hours, whether they're permanently crazy like this or temporarily so. That behavior will not change his behavior, will not make you feel better, and will likely make him respond even more poorly to the pressure. You are also experiencing stress after a car accident. Make sure that you are getting the appropriate follow up medical care - emotional too, because even if it was a very minor accident, you may be experiencing some residual distress.

In counseling, I would suggest that your focus areas be stress management and communication. Learn the ways that you both cope, figure out which strategies are good ones and which strategies are less good. Learn the best way to communicate with each other - how, when, where, etc. For you, I would concentrate on "I" messages. "When you told me that you thought that woman was attractive, I felt _____", "This week I have felt _____ when we have been short tempered with each other." That sort of thing. Try not to be accusatory "You always/you never" are things that you should never say to anyone, particularly a spouse (irony alert!).

For what it's worth, I have been married twice and in both marriages, these were things that we had to learn, despite being together for some time before marrying. It is always a work in progress, so please don't feel like your relationship is permanently damaged.

[Anonymous]

Man's perspective:

He mentioned the conversation with barista not to get back at you, but because he thought it's nice to share things with you. He had an enjoyable, but meaningless conversation with her. Remember men aren't so good at subtle points. If a man says it's great weather for women to be wearing dresses, that doesn't necessarily mean he is insulting you for not wearing dresses that often -- he may just mean exactly what he said.

He got out of the car because he was angry you got angry over this, and felt it best to cool down rather than blow up right then and there. He did the nice thing and left you with the car, so he'd have to endure the storm and not you.