Argument with DH...left me in the car

[Anonymous]

My husband and I got into an argument the other night in the car during the bad thunderstorm. He got me a smoothie at our go to place while I was running errands that day. He wanted to take me out to dinner. I thought it was sweet. He started running through a conversation he had with the lady that works at the juice place - telling me a little bit about her, her age etc, and then how he told her she was beautiful. I asked why he would say such a thing, that if I would say the same thing to another man he would be upset. He said it wasn't meant to be a big deal, he was only trying to be funny and friendly. He also said he didn't find her to be attractive and that it wasn't a big deal. I told him how upset I am over this and how uncomfortable it made me feel, and I didn't even know what his intent was for even telling me this but to make me feel bad. He turned the car around and said "So I guess this means you don't want to have dinner." I just kept quiet. After we stopped at a red light at an intersection, he puts the car on park and leaves me in the car. It's raining hard. I don't know where he went And I'm just sitting in the car stranded. I tried to call him a few times but he won't answer his phone. I then go into the driver's seat and drive around looking for him. I go into two stores to see if they've seen him and finally I spot him walking outside the strip mall. I tell him to get in the car, get out of this bad weather and talk about this like adults. He said he's not ready to talk and needs his space. He tells me to go home. I told him I'm not going to just leave him here alone during this bad weather. After much coaxing, he finally gets into the car and we talk things out in the car. He tells me things haven't been good between us and he thinks it would be best if we take a break from each other. I haven't talked to him much over the weekend, trying to give him the space he needs but I'm also really upset and bothered that he would just leave me in the car in the middle of the road like that, and walk away just like that.
I don't know how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

If my husband told me he needed a break from me, I would insist on counseling, stat.

Personally, I think you overreacted to what he said to some woman. The fact that you got so upset makes me think that things other people consider small beans often makes you upset and he's just tired of it.

I think you should respect when a person is telling you that they can't talk about it right now. I think it's reasonable to set a future time to discuss. I cannot stand when my husband insists on a conversation I'm not ready to have. It always goes worse than if he'd just given me some time to think it through and get past the hottest stage.

I think the way he left was odd, but if he had just said that he needs some space and would find his own way home, it would have been fine, IMO, to leave you with the car and the keys. It's his choice to be out in a storm and you weren't endangered.

Good luck. It sounds like you guys need help dialing things down a notch.

[Anonymous]

OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.

[Anonymous]

My assumption is that you have crushed your DHs soul. Most DW are soul crushers. He saw a smiling,happy, attractive juice barista that was nice to him (her job, yes) and he felt alive for a fleeting moment. When he got back in the car, he was back in your soul crushing vise grip, his polarizing emotions caused a flight response for a different life.

[Anonymous]

Why would he think its OK to tell a random juice lady she is beautiful, and then tell his wife?

He sounds like an immature ass. Sorry op!

[Anonymous]

I think he was planning on having the separation conversation with you that night, and like PP said, he needed to psych himself up to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would he think its OK to tell a random juice lady she is beautiful, and then tell his wife?

He sounds like an immature ass. Sorry op!

Yeah, if I were the barista and some married dude told me I was beautiful I would think he was creepy. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Did he mean a separation as in split up, or just that he needed his space for a few hours/ days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.

I agree with this. I don't think the OP over reacted. I'd be upset about a SO flirting with another woman, and THEN telling me about it. It demonstrates he has no concern for my feelings. It also does sound like he's trying to pick a fight and checked out emotionally already.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the responses. He doesn't want to separate. We just got married a month ago. Things just haven't been good between us this past week. I got rear ended a few days ago, that left me injured and out of work. I've been mopey dealing with that. DH works 70-80 hours a week. So we've been short with one another. He told me he didn't want to blow up at me, so he had to leave. He just needed some space. I should have given him his spac but I was just confused and needed to make sure he was ok.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Did he say it like he was baiting you or was it just part of the conversation? My husband is free to think other women are beautiful and to tell them so as long as he's not trying to start an affair with them, and I wouldn't feel threatened by the conversation your relate. Kind of sounds like he did something nice for you and then you were extra sensitive and got on him for something small.

And as for being 'stranded' - how on earth is him walking away leaving you with the car & keys 'stranding' you? Is stalking off the most mature thing? No, of course not. But you weren't 'stranded' since your follow up post makes it very clear the car was drive able and you weren't somewhere lost without a phone or directions.

Now mind you I'm not saying he's right / you're wrong - most relationship issues are a 2 way street and I'm sure this one is complex as they all are. But turn a critical eye on yourself here OP. You're a grown woman - stop acting like you're a victim rather than a partner in this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

How long have you two been married?

I cannot imagine this kind of behavior just coming out of the blue...does he typically have trouble with self-control?

Personally, if there are no kids involved, I would see his desire for a break as a sign reading Freedom.

(And I'm not even talking about what he told the barista. I don't care what the argument was about. The car thing is just not the behavior of a well-adjusted, mature adult.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Did he say it like he was baiting you or was it just part of the conversation? My husband is free to think other women are beautiful and to tell them so as long as he's not trying to start an affair with them, and I wouldn't feel threatened by the conversation your relate. Kind of sounds like he did something nice for you and then you were extra sensitive and got on him for something small.

And as for being 'stranded' - how on earth is him walking away leaving you with the car & keys 'stranding' you? Is stalking off the most mature thing? No, of course not. But you weren't 'stranded' since your follow up post makes it very clear the car was drive able and you weren't somewhere lost without a phone or directions.

Now mind you I'm not saying he's right / you're wrong - most relationship issues are a 2 way street and I'm sure this one is complex as they all are. But turn a critical eye on yourself here OP. You're a grown woman - stop acting like you're a victim rather than a partner in this dynamic.

He got out of the car without a warning! It was storming out and there was a car behind me. I knew he was upset but I didn't think he would just leave right then and there in the middle of the intersection.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you two been married?

I cannot imagine this kind of behavior just coming out of the blue...does he typically have trouble with self-control?

Personally, if there are no kids involved, I would see his desire for a break as a sign reading Freedom.

(And I'm not even talking about what he told the barista. I don't care what the argument was about. The car thing is just not the behavior of a well-adjusted, mature adult.)

She answered this a few posts above, 1 month.