Argument with DH...left me in the car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.

Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?

A NP - I wouldn't care if my DH told any other woman she's beautiful, and I wouldn't care if he told me, either. It's meaningless. It literally does not even get my attention.

It's weird. It shows,a lack of boundaries. And probably creepy to the woman receiving the compliment since he's not a grandfather ir teen, he's,a thirty-something guy with a ring on his finger.

I wouldn't be jealous at all. I joke with my DH about attractive people all the time. My DH can drool over whomever he wishes -i find it harmless. But actually telling someone she's beautiful? That would embarrass me. It's inappropriate and icky. I wouldn't be jealous, i would be embarrassed for my DH.

[Anonymous]

Op, it was an immature thing for your dh to do. I'm the pp who suggested he may have been testing you. From your recent response, perhaps he genuinely was surprised by your reaction. I think the whole interaction with the barista and then telling you after was theoretically within normal, and I agree with pp's's that in some relationships that would not fly, and in others it would be fine, just like with many things in life. It's more about how you figure out what works for each of you, manage expectations and talk to each other.

However I do think that whatever the argument was about, leaving a running car in the middle of the street, was just immature. I admit I've done equally immature things after arguments with boyfriends when I was young. You cannot indulge in this sort of behavior when you are a parent. I got therapy before I got married, and it helped me with many of my deeper issues.

[Anonymous]

Since then, he's been nice and he's reached out to me in little ways. I'm fine with giving him his space and making up, but I'm still confused by him just getting up and leaving like that. I just don't want him to do it again when he's upset. I don't know how to handle it. I felt much better after talking it out.

One way to handle it is to develop a code word / phrase that means "I need you to drop this *right now* and give me some space - we can talk about it again later when I've had a chance to process it more." Maybe that can just be 'I need space' or an actual code phrase. Thus his job is to let you know when he's approaching break point, and your job is to drop it IMMEDIATELY if he lets you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

PP, your post above has so much inflammatory, insulting language in it that I think YOU'RE the big fat drama queen. Also, read more carefully - this isn't some barista "he'll never see again in his life" - OP specifically mentioned that this is their "go-to place" for smoothies. Stop being such a rude little bully.

If you find this language insulting, you should probably unclench, too.

"Unclench" - what a class act you are. Until I started reading this site, I never heard anyone use this vulgar, lame expression. And yet you use it all the time, on any thread you can shoehorn it into. And yeah, I bet it's always you.

Back to the subject at hand - OP, you know this isn't a normal way to conduct an argument. And despite what all the oh-so-confident cool girls on here are telling you, because they all pounce on threads like this to brag about how secure they are, you are correct: your DH's thing with the barista was immature and disrespectful and pointless. Doesn't belong in a marriage; isn't how a man should act toward his wife. Lots of issues here - depression, flirting, major escalations of minor tiffs. Good luck; maybe counseling will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

Agree totally. My husband is married, not dead. We point out beautiful people to each other regularly. I have a crush on my swim partner (who is gay).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.

Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?

A NP - I wouldn't care if my DH told any other woman she's beautiful, and I wouldn't care if he told me, either. It's meaningless. It literally does not even get my attention.

It's weird. It shows,a lack of boundaries. And probably creepy to the woman receiving the compliment since he's not a grandfather ir teen, he's,a thirty-something guy with a ring on his finger.

I wouldn't be jealous at all. I joke with my DH about attractive people all the time. My DH can drool over whomever he wishes -i find it harmless. But actually telling someone she's beautiful? That would embarrass me. It's inappropriate and icky. I wouldn't be jealous, i would be embarrassed for my DH.

Thank you!! Based on my DH's reaction and some other posters here, I felt like it was silly of me to feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

Agree totally. My husband is married, not dead. We point out beautiful people to each other regularly. I have a crush on my swim partner (who is gay).

Its one thing to discuss as a couple. Its another thing for your DH to go into a store you both frequent, and tell the cashier shes beautiful. Then tell you in a non-chalant way. Totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both big fat drama queens. Your husband mentions that some other lady he'll never see again in his life is beautiful, and you go on a bender on how uncomfortable it makes you, and how he must have had a diabolical plan to make you feel awful by bringing this up...dear, most men can't think that far ahead, most likely he has no filter in his head so he just said it to make conversation. Unclench a bit. There are other beautiful women in the world (assuming you are beautiful), your husband will notice them, you can't make him live his life fearing for every word he says to his wife. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband told me someone has nice jugs. It's just talk.

Your husband is a drama queen for storming out of the car with the engine running during a storm.

Agree totally. My husband is married, not dead. We point out beautiful people to each other regularly. I have a crush on my swim partner (who is gay).

Its one thing to discuss as a couple. Its another thing for your DH to go into a store you both frequent, and tell the cashier shes beautiful. Then tell you in a non-chalant way. Totally different.

OP here - yes that's what I've been trying to say. I wouldn't have been bothered if he had thought she was beautiful and expressed it to me. What bothered and hurt me was he told this to the cashier. I wouldn't openly tell another man I found him attractive because well...it would give that guy the wrong idea. The fact that he would tell me after the fact...exactly what would the point be of saying it? It doesn't serve any purpose. I felt like he was trying to make me feel jealous or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.

Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?

A NP - I wouldn't care if my DH told any other woman she's beautiful, and I wouldn't care if he told me, either. It's meaningless. It literally does not even get my attention.

It's weird. It shows,a lack of boundaries. And probably creepy to the woman receiving the compliment since he's not a grandfather ir teen, he's,a thirty-something guy with a ring on his finger.

I wouldn't be jealous at all. I joke with my DH about attractive people all the time. My DH can drool over whomever he wishes -i find it harmless. But actually telling someone she's beautiful? That would embarrass me. It's inappropriate and icky. I wouldn't be jealous, i would be embarrassed for my DH.

This. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - yes that's what I've been trying to say. I wouldn't have been bothered if he had thought she was beautiful and expressed it to me. What bothered and hurt me was he told this to the cashier. I wouldn't openly tell another man I found him attractive because well...it would give that guy the wrong idea. The fact that he would tell me after the fact...exactly what would the point be of saying it? It doesn't serve any purpose. I felt like he was trying to make me feel jealous or something.

Sounds like he was trying to get a reaction out of you.

He sounds immature. There was no signs of this shit prior to marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know about your husbands...but mind would 1) never say to another woman she is beautiful, barring he was totally over the marriage.

2) If he did, he would not tell me about it as if its normal conversation.

This is not normal behavior or "shooting the shit." And it does not mean he is "comfortable telling her." It means he got issues.

OP- what do you want out of this? You keep discussing the comment and being stranded but do you really NOT see there is way more going on? What your action plan rather than moping around.

Stop blaming the accident and get up and get a clue.

+1

OP I dated a guy just like this. He'd flirt with other women. He definitely wanted a fight and a reason to turn things on me. He'd show up hours late for dates. Broke promises. Stormed out of places in front of my friends because a guy friend wanted to dance with me. So glad I broke it off with him. I've been happily married for ten years to someone who would never treat me this way who is a mature, self-assured person. Douchebag ex is perpetually single. Not a coincidence!

This guy wants you out of his life because he hates himself. I doubt it is anything you did and I doubt there is much you can do to help him.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this woman at the store a handful of times too. She always sees us together. She's nice... Too bad because I don't think I could show my face there anymore. Also, he fact that my husband knows her age and that she just moved here from so and so is weird to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP and I'm just trying to picture it all. Out of the blue, he offers to take you to dinner, just to be sweet. Then on the way (?) he stops to buy you your favorite smoothie, just to be sweet. Then, he gets in the car and informs you that he just finished telling the smoothie salesgirl that she's beautiful? Something doesn't add up here. Does he like playing mind games, OP? Or some other tendency that might explain all these out-of-the-ordinary actions on his part, all weirdly clustered together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. As a part-time counselor, here is my read on the situation.

I partially agree with the PP who thinks that your husband is flipping out a little at BEING MARRIED and no longer being FREE. I think he will probably get over that, because you said that otherwise, things have been good. I think that the baseline issue is that you guys do not do well under pressure. Him working a ton is stressful for both of you. Is that a permanent condition or is it likely to ease up soon? If it's a permanent condition, you will both need to get right with that and figure out routines that work for you given those parameters. If it is temporary, you keep reminding yourselves that it's temporary. Maybe plan something fun to do together at the end of the tunnel so you have something to look forward to. Try not to nag/whine/mope about his hours, whether they're permanently crazy like this or temporarily so. That behavior will not change his behavior, will not make you feel better, and will likely make him respond even more poorly to the pressure. You are also experiencing stress after a car accident. Make sure that you are getting the appropriate follow up medical care - emotional too, because even if it was a very minor accident, you may be experiencing some residual distress.

In counseling, I would suggest that your focus areas be stress management and communication. Learn the ways that you both cope, figure out which strategies are good ones and which strategies are less good. Learn the best way to communicate with each other - how, when, where, etc. For you, I would concentrate on "I" messages. "When you told me that you thought that woman was attractive, I felt _____", "This week I have felt _____ when we have been short tempered with each other." That sort of thing. Try not to be accusatory "You always/you never" are things that you should never say to anyone, particularly a spouse (irony alert!).

For what it's worth, I have been married twice and in both marriages, these were things that we had to learn, despite being together for some time before marrying. It is always a work in progress, so please don't feel like your relationship is permanently damaged.

Thanks for this helpful post. I mainly wrote this post to get a different perspective. I probably didn't handle it right but I didn't have time to think my actions through...my husband just left me in the car without saying a word. It was dark, I couldn't see where he went, and the light turned green. My gut response was to get in the driver's side and drive the car around to find him.i don't know what's so dramatic about that.

I don't think he's so much missing his freedom...minus this incident, it's been really nice between us. Same deal when we were engaged. For the most part, it's been quiet. He hasn't been wthdrawn. I admit communication is something we're both learning to be better at, but we both admitted this in the car. He said he didn't want to blow up in my face so he had to leave. He told me he thought the story was funny and wanted to share it with me but was surprised by my reaction. I told him it hurt my feelings when he said that. He said he feels like things haven't been been great in a while. I agreed but said I've been short with him because I've been feeling stressed and he said he's feeling stressed from work and admitted to being short as well. He wanted to enjoy the night and take me out to dinner like I deserved to be taken out. I apologized just to make things better and told him I would give him his space. Maybe I do need a breather.

Since then, he's been nice and he's reached out to me in little ways. I'm fine with giving him his space and making up, but I'm still confused by him just getting up and leaving like that. I just don't want him to do it again when he's upset. I don't know how to handle it. I felt much better after talking it out.

PP here. I think your second paragraph would have been really helpful to include in your original post, if only to prevent people assuming that your marriage is headed for disaster. Some suggestions:

1. It's helpful to have a safe word or phrase for arguments to diffuse or table the situation. Even if you do not argue often. My husband and I used to argue a lot, but we had the agreement that if it was getting too heated, one or both of us could say, "Let's table this for half an hour. I want to be nice to you."

2. It's okay for people to take breaks if they feel that continuing a conversation/argument will result in escalation rather than resolution, but there need to be ground rules about those breaks. Our rule was that those breaks have to occur in a safe way. You don't take off out of a car at a stop light. You don't walk out of a restaurant/movie theater/whatever and leave your partner there alone.

3. If a conflict arises and you're away from home, you either agree calmly how you'll get home and when you'll reconvene, or you go together and just don't talk to each other on the way. I did what your husband did one time(though I was the passenger, not the driver) and DH was really, really upset about it, for the same reasons that you were upset. I understand his reaction, but it was not a mature reaction when he did it and it wasn't a mature reaction when I did it. I apologized for what I did and made a promise (to myself and my husband) that I wouldn't do that again because it was unsafe and immature.

4. If a conflict arises at home, it's okay to leave to take a walk around the block, but you need to say that that's what you're doing, not just storm out. And don't slam doors because it's physical and confrontational.

5. When people are stressed out, they tend to see a rough week as "things haven't been great in a while." That may or may not be true. How long, really, have things been "not great"? I have felt this way in my own marriage and have asked clients about it. The answer is almost always, "Well, this week has been really hard because it was the last week of school and we've had a ton of after hours stuff and I haven't gotten any down time and the house is a mess." When asked, "When was the last time you and your partner had a really great time together?" the answer is often "Oh, last weekend/two weeks ago, we did X and it was great." Bad things magnify. Remembering when the last time things were good will help with that.

6. If your daily routines are stressful and awful, proactively build downtime into them. DH and I build specific things that we both enjoy into our weekends. We try to go out to dinner as a family mid-week, because by Wednesday/Thursday, I find that what I really need is to sit at a table and eat things that I didn't cook off of dishes that we won't have to wash later. It's a worthwhile indulgence for us. Figure out what yours are and then start doing those things. The sooner you incorporate relationship-building fun things into your regular routine, the more likely they are to stick.

[Anonymous]

I would have left him wandering in the rain. He would have come home eventually.