How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

[Anonymous]

+1. Not sure why the text has "thrown you for a loop". Your dad wants to talk to you more. Give him a call. It is not that hard to figure out.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need a routine with your dad, like an established good time to call. That can be hard calling someone on the west coast, but give it a shot.

Tell him straight up that you are always glad to get his emails, but sometimes it takes a couple days for you to get a long enough window of time to write back anything substantial. And tell him that when he leaves a message he should tell you if he is just calling to chat or if he needs you to call back right away about something.

It sounds like he is a little clueless about how busy you are--but that there are possible solutions.

As for your ILs, that sounds more like you are fine. Is DH happy with how often he sees his parents? Does he schedule things with them? Let him take the lead there.

[Anonymous]

Whoa, PP. You are assuming a lot about OP. Maybe she wants to get to SF but the budget won't allow for regular travel. Not to mention, everyone has a different personality. OP may not need as much time taking to her parents as you or others. I have lots of friends but I see most of them two or three times a year. We all have young kids and are there for each other when it counts. That might be how OP feels about her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than go through the minutiae of your schedule, you might just say more generally that you're booked the next few weekends/evenings/what have you. It sounds like your parents and ILs might be looking for reassurance that they're important and will see you regularly--so listing all your activities just tells them more of the "you're not important" rather than what they want to know, which is when they'll see you next.

Two things:

1) Be proactive. If you know you have a busy time coming up, tell your parents and ILs and get something on the calendar with them, even if it's for aways off.

2) Short responses. Do they text? "Hey, saw your email, all's well here, more later love you!" And does your DH at least deal with his own parents, or are you the social manager for everyone? That could take half the task off your plate right there.

So I can see myself complaining like the OP about my inlaws. But this first solution is good. I don't really WANT to do that bc my MIL irritates me so much, but it is most likely the best way to ease some tension. I am trying to take the higher road here, but god she makes it hard. My DH is pretty good at handling them, but really I run most of our calendar so I should probably just get better about asking her directly. Currently I can usually see schedule issues a mile away and I just don't say anything to my DH, even though I should.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has 24 hours in a day, and we all prioritize how we spend those hours. Sounds like your relatives are clued into the fact that you aren't prioritizing them.

My sister and her family are crazy busy--two intense jobs, three active kids, a young dog. I get it that they don't have a lot of what they see as "extra" time. But those are choices they made. And when don't acknowledge presents we send or miss my kid's birthday, those are choices, too.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else think "awwww" after reading the text from OP's dad?
OP, be honest with yourself. You really can't find time to return a text or email to your father? As in, can't find 2 minutes on your day to write a little friendly note to an elderly man who lives across country that you see once a year?
I have timed how long it took me to write this, and it's less than 2 minutes now.
Maybe you need to take an honest assessment of what your priorities are, and admit he is not one of them instead of saying how busy you are.
If you really want to make an effort, here is an idea: set aside time every day at an " off" time, such as waiting in carpool line, when you climb into bed at night, maybe you have a weekly appointment or something that you sit in a waiting room for, pick up from kids activity, whatever, and dedicate that time, those few minutes, to your father

[Anonymous]

OP,

At some point the guilt has to stop. We are a very guilt-ridden society because we are led to believe we can have it all.

ADD family here. We all have trouble multi-tasking. Since I work and drive my children to multiple activities weekdays and weekends, returning calls and emails from friends and family may not happen right away. Luckily, they understand!

But if they didn't, you bet your bottom dollar it would be TOO BAD for them. I refuse to feel guilty about my genuine and best efforts at making everyone happy!

BTW, your father's message sounds highly irritating, but OTOH he may have had a realization that he's not spending enough quality time with you before his death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are right, you are not as proactive as you should be in staying in touch. Perhaps your kids are so over scheduled, that you can't find room to let your dad into your life.

Your father gets to visit every 1-2 years and you've only been to visit him in San Francisco twice during the last ten years so you must have a phone/e-mail relationship with him yet you admit that you delay responding to his messages because you are soooo busy.

Your dad is right to complain that not only do you take several days to respond but that he would prefer to connect with telephone calls since texts/e-mails aren't working. Cut your poor dad some slack and give him your TIME. Comprende?

+1 OP, unless there's some reason that you're keeping your dad at arm's length, I don't think you're doing enough to stay in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think "awwww" after reading the text from OP's dad?
OP, be honest with yourself. You really can't find time to return a text or email to your father? As in, can't find 2 minutes on your day to write a little friendly note to an elderly man who lives across country that you see once a year?
I have timed how long it took me to write this, and it's less than 2 minutes now.
Maybe you need to take an honest assessment of what your priorities are, and admit he is not one of them instead of saying how busy you are.
If you really want to make an effort, here is an idea: set aside time every day at an " off" time, such as waiting in carpool line, when you climb into bed at night, maybe you have a weekly appointment or something that you sit in a waiting room for, pick up from kids activity, whatever, and dedicate that time, those few minutes, to your father

Yes, I was thinking the same. I lost my dad ten years ago and wish so much he were here.

[Anonymous]

I have a set time that I call my dad once a week. It is on the way home from somewhere and we only talk for 20-30 minutes, but it means the world to him. I think that wiuld work well for your dad. Maybe on your commute home from work one night, etc.

As for the other half of the family, just start inviting them to stuff you already do. Family movie night (you were going to order pizza and watch a movie with the kids anyway), kids' games/recitals, meet you at the pool, etc. jus take a look at the things you do regularly and the shoot them and email inviting them to SOMETHING once a week when they are around. When they are gone, have the kids call on the way to/from various activities, and don't stress the length of your summer visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy this. I have 2 kids with over the top schedules and my own stuff and everyone in my life gets a return call within 24 hours. Last minute get togethers well they are last minute and that is different. If I don't have someone going on I do them and if I do I can't. This is not high drama. OP you sound rigid.

Sorry to say, you must have a very small life.

[Anonymous]

My father is another story. He lives in San Francisco and visits once very 1-2 years or so, which I'm grateful for, as we've managed only two trips in the past decade or so. Apart from that, we all have only a phone/email relationship with him. And as I mentioned, I don't always get back to him right.that.minute. This is the text I got today: "I know that your family is extremely busy. I never know what is the best way to communicate with you. Whether I send an email or a text, your response is never immediate. Sometimes days later. I never no why, not that this is important, but it makes it very hard to correspond with you. I guess I could call, but I have tried that and you have not always answered, whether I call home or cell. Just very confusing for me. Text and email, sometimes even phone, make the transmission of mood, inflection, tone, etc., either impossible or subject to misinterpretation. One of the drawbacks of technology today. This is why, when we are actually together, I anticipate us having in depth conversations about whatever you have been thinking you want to say to me and haven’t. Maybe there are never any of these thoughts. We don’t seem to have these conversations."

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It has really thrown me for a loop!

OP, I know/we know it's sad that other people have lost their parents and can't talk to them anymore, and we are lucky. But, I completely and totally share your feelings. My mom lives across the country and she calls (both work and home numbers)/emails/texts/facebooks me maybe 25-30 times a week and has for years. And, when we talk, she gives me a hard time for not calling my dad/uncle/brother/family member enough. The barrage sent me to therapy.

You are not a bad person for not responding, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being "on call" for your parents. I've tried a lot of things to get my mom to lay off, and nothing has worked -- the calls keep coming, and I talk to her at least once a week, usually more -- and the only way I can deal with it without spiraling into a major guilt funnel is to remember that parents, too, are flawed and human and their neediness is NOT about you, it's about them. Essentially, when someone gets mad that you don't answer an unscheduled call, they're telling you that THEIR time is more important than your time. Like you, I'm busy -- i only have a few hours a day where I'm not working/cooking/commuting/etc -- and it's important to claim at least a little bit of that free time for yourself!

Try not to let it get to you, that's all I can say. For the text, I guess you could just call and say "I love you, Dad, and I'm doing the best I can but I'm sorry we can't always be on the same page about when to talk and what to talk about. I really like it when we talk, and wish I could make more time for it." or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we don't always return phone calls or emails within 24 hours and we're not always free for last-minute get-togethers--we love you and are not blowing you off or harboring unspoken resentments! It seems that no matter how many times I've tried to explain what my various family members' various seasonal commitments are, the message fails to get through. Anyone else BTDT more successfully? Strategies?

Don't worry, they'll all die at some point and then you won't have any pesky relatives to deal with at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we don't always return phone calls or emails within 24 hours and we're not always free for last-minute get-togethers--we love you and are not blowing you off or harboring unspoken resentments! It seems that no matter how many times I've tried to explain what my various family members' various seasonal commitments are, the message fails to get through. Anyone else BTDT more successfully? Strategies?

Don't worry, they'll all die at some point and then you won't have any pesky relatives to deal with at all.

We all die at some point. Stop the BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think "awwww" after reading the text from OP's dad?
OP, be honest with yourself. You really can't find time to return a text or email to your father? As in, can't find 2 minutes on your day to write a little friendly note to an elderly man who lives across country that you see once a year?
I have timed how long it took me to write this, and it's less than 2 minutes now.
Maybe you need to take an honest assessment of what your priorities are, and admit he is not one of them instead of saying how busy you are.
If you really want to make an effort, here is an idea: set aside time every day at an " off" time, such as waiting in carpool line, when you climb into bed at night, maybe you have a weekly appointment or something that you sit in a waiting room for, pick up from kids activity, whatever, and dedicate that time, those few minutes, to your father

But a 2-minute call isn't going to satisfy OP's dad -- read what he wrote; he's looking for an in-depth conversation.

I'm a bit phone-phobic myself (not saying that OP is), and I've realized one thing I don't like about phone calls is that I can get stuck on the phone for longer than I intended to, with no way to excuse myself without being awkward. It's almost worse when I'm talking with someone I like, because it's easy for the conversation to keep going for 45 minutes or an hour.

OP, the way I solved this with my own parents was to call them when I have a specific amount of time when I'm doing something that's compatible with a phone conversation -- in my case, it's a 20-minute walk to the Metro when I get off work. I've made that walk a zillion times, so I can give all my attention to the conversation, and that's enough time that my mom or dad and I can have a good talk, but I don't worry about getting stuck because I know I can say goodbye when I get to the Metro.

Maybe something similar would work for you?