How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

[Anonymous]

We have solved this problem with Facetime. When I am making dinner or the kids are having a snack, I call up my parents on Facetime and chat with them and they chat with the kids. It doesn't take any time away from things that we have to do because I can be fixing dinner or loading the dishwasher at the same time. If I am reading a book to DS, my parents can watch him on Facetime. Sometimes we don't even talk much, but my parents just watch our family life go on. I requires a parent who is willing to answer Facetime pretty regularly. My inlaws will answer sometimes, but never stay and hang out. That's fine, but they are less close to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Yeah... no. This is certainly how many parents would like to be treated, particularly in Asian cultures, but then they forget the many blows, harsh words, traumatic decisions taken by them and endured by their kids - who are not about to forget in a hurry.

Talking about my own experience here. A parent-child relationship can be fraught with unresolved issues. Add to that distance and incredibly busy schedules, and there you go.

All I hope is that my children will forgive me for what I have done wrong, and be grateful for the things I did right. I don't expect any of them to be at my beck and call, and fully expect them to live across the world - like I did with my parents.

Well...I dunno. This is how I treat my parents. Someone who isn't profoundly grateful to their parents and doesn't put them first is just weird to me. Parents and I have no unresolved issues. I am not at their beck and call because I don't see it that way. They were at my beck and call when I was a baby. I talk to them regularly. Anything they need, I am there. My DH is the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

?? My life is just fine, my children are small so they worship me still, and we always have time for grandparents. It surprises me to see attitudes like yours just like it would surprise me to see green skin or four eyes on a person. To me, someone who feels this way toward your parents is not fully human.

I need to ask, were you born in this country?

In this planet?

Because to regard as "not fully human" any adult who don't feel a need to talk to their parents at all times says much more about your inhumanity than theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

?? My life is just fine, my children are small so they worship me still, and we always have time for grandparents. It surprises me to see attitudes like yours just like it would surprise me to see green skin or four eyes on a person. To me, someone who feels this way toward your parents is not fully human.

I need to ask, were you born in this country?

In this planet?

Because to regard as "not fully human" any adult who don't feel a need to talk to their parents at all times says much more about your inhumanity than theirs.

I need to ask, why do you think being born in this country defines morality, goodness or a proper model of child/parent relationship?

This isn't about adults who don't want to talk to their parents ALL the time. It's about adults who have no time for their parents and don't prioritize them. I find that distasteful. Your parents didn't wonder whether they felt the need to wipe your ass when you soiled yourself or pick you up when you cried. That you deny this debt even exists says a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

?? My life is just fine, my children are small so they worship me still, and we always have time for grandparents. It surprises me to see attitudes like yours just like it would surprise me to see green skin or four eyes on a person. To me, someone who feels this way toward your parents is not fully human.

I need to ask, were you born in this country?

In this planet?

Because to regard as "not fully human" any adult who don't feel a need to talk to their parents at all times says much more about your inhumanity than theirs.

I need to ask, why do you think being born in this country defines morality, goodness or a proper model of child/parent relationship?

This isn't about adults who don't want to talk to their parents ALL the time. It's about adults who have no time for their parents and don't prioritize them. I find that distasteful. Your parents didn't wonder whether they felt the need to wipe your ass when you soiled yourself or pick you up when you cried. That you deny this debt even exists says a lot about you.

You have a different experience, relationship than do others of us. Be grateful for your situation and stop being such a smug jerk about those of us who struggle with family members.

[Anonymous]

A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

I'd make time for people I enjoy, as well, as you feel about your family. Many of us do not feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

I'd make time for people I enjoy, as well, as you feel about your family. Many of us do not feel that way.

IMO, I guess I think there is a difference between "I don't make time for my family because we are too busy" and "I don't make time for my family because we do not get along." As I said, I understand the latter - not the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

?? My life is just fine, my children are small so they worship me still, and we always have time for grandparents. It surprises me to see attitudes like yours just like it would surprise me to see green skin or four eyes on a person. To me, someone who feels this way toward your parents is not fully human.

I need to ask, were you born in this country?

In this planet?

Because to regard as "not fully human" any adult who don't feel a need to talk to their parents at all times says much more about your inhumanity than theirs.

I need to ask, why do you think being born in this country defines morality, goodness or a proper model of child/parent relationship?

This isn't about adults who don't want to talk to their parents ALL the time. It's about adults who have no time for their parents and don't prioritize them. I find that distasteful. Your parents didn't wonder whether they felt the need to wipe your ass when you soiled yourself or pick you up when you cried. That you deny this debt even exists says a lot about you.

You have a different experience, relationship than do others of us. Be grateful for your situation and stop being such a smug jerk about those of us who struggle with family members.

The OP's comment was not about struggling with family members, it was about too consumed with life to make room for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

I agree with you completely. It sounds like some people just can't put themselves mentally in their parents' shoes even though they hopefully will be filling those shoes at some point themselves. And it makes me sad that this is often coming from the DIL. Like you, I am not talking about difficult relationships. I can just imagine some hypothetical future where my grown son and his wife are talking about how I just don't get how BUSY they are and they don't have time. I couldn't do that to my parents or inlaws.

[Anonymous]

OP, to get back to YOUR posts since this thread has gone off into other territory about other folks' experiences....

Your dad's text that you posted here is one that would make me stop and ask, is it possible that he has things going on his life -- which he lives a long, long way from you geographically -- that you simply don't know about?

You mention only him; is he on his own? Any chance that as he gets older he is having health issues (physical or mental) of which you might be unaware? If he visits once a year or so, he might put on a show of being fine and fit for you, or being happy in the life he's leading back at his home, but can you be objective and step back and ask yourself if maybe dad is trying to telegraph to you that he's got issues? They might not be issues just about not hearing from you, either. He may be lonely (even if he's an "active senior"), may be depressed, could be feeling isolated if he's out there without anyone, or even isolated among family if you have relatives out where he lives but you don't know whether he gets along with them.....

I know you're very busy, but have you ever considered a visit, alone, to see your dad? As his adult child, not as the mom of his grandkids? OK, the kids have music lessons, sports, school, but that can all be fine for a long weekend, with your spouse handling it, or the kids even having to miss that week's music lesson or grab some rides to sports. I just would be wondering if the issue really is just "Dad expects instant replies/replies within a day" or if there might be something bigger going on there. He was reaching out to you and sounded sincere about it. But you're still assuming this is all about how busy you are and his having some expectations you find unrealistic. They might be unrealistic expectations IF they're all that's going on but I really would wonder, in your shoes.

It sounds as if he might want some more depth from his relationship with you, and that depth can only come with actually spending time talking to and with him. Face Time etc. with the kids would be fine but it sounds as if your dad wants some real interaction with his adult child too. Just saying, don't assume that this is really about how fast you call or text him back; there may be more going on if you're open to seeing it and asking.

[Anonymous]

It has less to do with whether or not your parents "cleaned your bum" (PP - didn't all parents do that? Or were they completely neglectful?) than the parents attitude toward you as an adult.

If the parents treat you the same as their other children, then they get respect in return.

That is sometimes a big part of it, admit it or not.

[Anonymous]

Op, with my local MIL I implemented regular, recurring events. So a once a month Sunday dinner, or once a week movie night, or what have you. It becomes a part of the regular rhythm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to get back to YOUR posts since this thread has gone off into other territory about other folks' experiences....

Your dad's text that you posted here is one that would make me stop and ask, is it possible that he has things going on his life -- which he lives a long, long way from you geographically -- that you simply don't know about?

You mention only him; is he on his own? Any chance that as he gets older he is having health issues (physical or mental) of which you might be unaware? If he visits once a year or so, he might put on a show of being fine and fit for you, or being happy in the life he's leading back at his home, but can you be objective and step back and ask yourself if maybe dad is trying to telegraph to you that he's got issues? They might not be issues just about not hearing from you, either. He may be lonely (even if he's an "active senior"), may be depressed, could be feeling isolated if he's out there without anyone, or even isolated among family if you have relatives out where he lives but you don't know whether he gets along with them.....

I know you're very busy, but have you ever considered a visit, alone, to see your dad? As his adult child, not as the mom of his grandkids? OK, the kids have music lessons, sports, school, but that can all be fine for a long weekend, with your spouse handling it, or the kids even having to miss that week's music lesson or grab some rides to sports. I just would be wondering if the issue really is just "Dad expects instant replies/replies within a day" or if there might be something bigger going on there. He was reaching out to you and sounded sincere about it. But you're still assuming this is all about how busy you are and his having some expectations you find unrealistic. They might be unrealistic expectations IF they're all that's going on but I really would wonder, in your shoes.

It sounds as if he might want some more depth from his relationship with you, and that depth can only come with actually spending time talking to and with him. Face Time etc. with the kids would be fine but it sounds as if your dad wants some real interaction with his adult child too. Just saying, don't assume that this is really about how fast you call or text him back; there may be more going on if you're open to seeing it and asking.

This is what it sounds like to me as well. Sounds like he is trying to connect with you. You are still his child and he wants to be closer to you. Seems pretty obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, OP, I would recommend that you really do make time for him. Honestly, it sounds like he has something weighing on his mind that he would like to share with you. Who knows what it is, but it may be something that is important to you to know.

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