Reply to How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
My father is another story. He lives in San Francisco and visits once very 1-2 years or so, which I'm grateful for, as we've managed only two trips in the past decade or so. Apart from that, we all have only a phone/email relationship with him. And as I mentioned, I don't always get back to him right.that.minute. This is the text I got today: "I know that your family is extremely busy. I never know what is the best way to communicate with you. Whether I send an email or a text, your response is never immediate. Sometimes days later. I never no why, not that this is important, but it makes it very hard to correspond with you. I guess I could call, but I have tried that and you have not always answered, whether I call home or cell. Just very confusing for me. Text and email, sometimes even phone, make the transmission of mood, inflection, tone, etc., either impossible or subject to misinterpretation. One of the drawbacks of technology today. This is why, when we are actually together, I anticipate us having in depth conversations about whatever you have been thinking you want to say to me and haven’t. Maybe there are never any of these thoughts. We don’t seem to have these conversations."

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It has really thrown me for a loop! [/quote]

OP, I know/we know it's sad that other people have lost their parents and can't talk to them anymore, and we are lucky.  But, I completely and totally share your feelings.  My mom lives across the country and she calls (both work and home numbers)/emails/texts/facebooks me maybe 25-30 times a week and has for years.  And, when we talk, she gives me a hard time for not calling my dad/uncle/brother/family member enough.  The barrage sent me to therapy.

You are not a bad person for not responding, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being "on call" for your parents.  I've tried a lot of things to get my mom to lay off, and nothing has worked -- the calls keep coming, and I talk to her at least once a week, usually more -- and the only way I can deal with it without spiraling into a major guilt funnel is to remember that parents, too, are flawed and human and their neediness is NOT about you, it's about them.  Essentially, when someone gets mad that you don't answer an unscheduled call, they're telling you that THEIR time is more important than your time.  Like you, I'm busy -- i only have a few hours a day where I'm not working/cooking/commuting/etc -- and it's important to claim at least a little bit of that free time for yourself!

Try not to let it get to you, that's all I can say.  For the text, I guess you could just call and say "I love you, Dad, and I'm doing the best I can but I'm sorry we can't always be on the same page about when to talk and what to talk about.  I really like it when we talk, and wish I could make more time for it." or something. [/quote]

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