How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

I agree with you completely. It sounds like some people just can't put themselves mentally in their parents' shoes even though they hopefully will be filling those shoes at some point themselves. And it makes me sad that this is often coming from the DIL. Like you, I am not talking about difficult relationships. I can just imagine some hypothetical future where my grown son and his wife are talking about how I just don't get how BUSY they are and they don't have time. I couldn't do that to my parents or inlaws.

Count me as another one who agrees with both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. Everyone knows that not everyone is going to have the same relationships with parents. And I think that in my my first PP, I said that for anyone that has a decent realtionship with their parents, OP is doing it wrong. But in typical DCUM fashion, folks blur lines, add facts and project their own experiences. Maybe I missed it, but OP did NOT say that he she has a bad relationship with her family and father. If she had said that, I would would have been more willing to give her a pass. She and her family are too busy to have regualr interaction with her in-laws and her family.

Let me project a bit. I think I take offense a those people who seem to think that those of us who make time for our parents lead unfulfilling and insignificant lives. Many of you have the opposite view - that your lives are so important and fulfilling that you fit in your parents when you can - but living your life is your priority. We are a very busy family. But I actually enjoy talking to my parents and my siblings and I do not feel that they are an intrusion at all. They enhance my life, they do not take from it. They are in their golden years and there will come a time that they will not be around. My DH lost his dad a few years back and often says that he wishes his dad was around to talk to about life challenges and stuff. It is not a sign of weakness to make time for people you love.

This. People are commenting about reasons why they don't make time for their family that are related to their dislike of their family members or toxic or abusive relationships, but OP's post was about just heing "too busy" even to talk to her father. To me, my parents are part of my life, not something I do when I can fit it into my life. I love them, they love me, and I make time to talk to them every week. Yes, we're busy, but again, you make time for the things that matter to you. Better to admit that your parents don't really matter than to claim you're so busy that you can't call your dad once a week.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one who has a scheduled weekly call with my parents (they are not local). I've been doing that since the second half of college and it works well.

I started a private instagram account to share family photos with just my parents and sibling, so they feel like it's more personal. Also, if I buy a new item of clothing I like, or if I'm considering buying, I text my mom a photo and ask her opinion.

My ILs are local and I've learned to be proactive about inviting them to activities when it works for us, to avoid feeling too guilty to say no to activities they come up with (which tend not to work for us). So if we're going to someplace near their house, I invite them. If we haven't seen them for a while, I invite them to something in the afternoon so they can stay for dinner (this is my preferred way to limit the time: if we meet in the morning they stay all day). If all else fails, I'll ask if they can watch DC while I run out and take care of some errands.