How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP - I think you are doing it wrong.

TBH, if you have decent relationship with a parent, not returning an email or a call within 24 hours is unacceptable. Even if it just to say "got your call, swamped right now. What's good time to call on Saturday?" But to not responds AT ALL is inexcusable. You are busy. We get that. Anyone who has kids and a job is busy. People make time for things/people that are important to them. The message you are sending is that watching Johnny's soccer practice is more important than a talk with your parent. Folks who are getting older and are looking mortality in the face are really sensitive to that - as you will be when you get older. We are busy as hell, but we make it a point to talk to our parents almost everyday - even if it is a 2 minute check-in. It can be while Junior is at practice, during my commute, while I am walking the dog. I have found that these little short check-ins go further than the long conversation once a week. My strategy is not to find a way to make them understand your situation - you need to understand theirs. Make time - for your father espeically.

[Anonymous]

OP, I try to consistently call my dad on Sundays and talk for about an hour. This is our routine and it works well for him because he knows what to "expect" and though it isn't "deep conversation" he knows what is going on in our lives this way. Maybe this would work for your dad.

My mom (divorced from my dad) is more of a call every day or two for five minutes type. Sometimes she overwhelms me and I screen her for a few days and she starts asking if I am dead.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in the midst of this right now.

DH and I are locals and both sets of parents are local, too. We both from big families and our siblings are (mostly) here too with their families. I have a sibling maybe two miles away and we have zero communication in between family get togethers (thanksgiving, religious holidays).

Both sets of grandparents complain that they don't see us often enough. Constant pressure. One set of grandparent is elderly and less able to travel even locally to see us. Another set comes to every single sports game of our kids and then expects us to sit and chat and catch up (and not talk with other parents) during that time.

All this plus it is always someone's birthday, anniversary and my ILs are big on giant celebrations. Adult children have birthday dinners and parties. The ILs throw themselves giant dinner parties and these are command performances. DH and I miss out on gatherings and fun times with peer friends because we always have to go to a family members something or other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the midst of this right now.

DH and I are locals and both sets of parents are local, too. We both from big families and our siblings are (mostly) here too with their families. I have a sibling maybe two miles away and we have zero communication in between family get togethers (thanksgiving, religious holidays).

Both sets of grandparents complain that they don't see us often enough. Constant pressure. One set of grandparent is elderly and less able to travel even locally to see us. Another set comes to every single sports game of our kids and then expects us to sit and chat and catch up (and not talk with other parents) during that time.

All this plus it is always someone's birthday, anniversary and my ILs are big on giant celebrations. Adult children have birthday dinners and parties. The ILs throw themselves giant dinner parties and these are command performances. DH and I miss out on gatherings and fun times with peer friends because we always have to go to a family members something or other.

You realize this is COMPLETELY different than what the OP is talking about?

[Anonymous]

I don't see what there is to misunderstand about your dad's text. He wants to be able to talk to you. The PPs that suggested to set up a certain time weekly or monthly to talk to him were right. That is a good idea.

I understood your Dad's text. When you call someone and they NEVER answer, then you wait for a call back for days, then when you do talk then the "mood" of whatever it was you wanted to say is lost.

Just answer the phone when your dad calls.

[Anonymous]

Given your dad's message, I would make an effort to respond to him within 24 hours (even a "Hey Dad - got your message. Can we plan a call for this weekend?) and maybe set up a standing skype or phone date every week or two so you can really talk to him. Tell him your sorry he feels the way he does, he's important to you, and you want to make it better. Lay out a few suggestions to address the issue, and see what he says or if he has other suggestions. From his text, it sounds like he genuinely wants to find a better way to communicate with you and is being straight-forward about asking you what that might be.

[Anonymous]

For the half-time local ILs, ask if they'd like to have a standing date with one or both of the grandkids - like maybe the grandparents take over getting your son to Saturday soccer practice, or whatever. My grandma used to take me to dance class on Wednesday afternoons - I loved it!

For your dad, be sincere and honest in how you respond. Know that a 2-5 minute hurried phone call is better than none at all. I'd try to get up a weekly phone/Skype appointment with him. Maybe while you're cleaning up Saturday breakfast/brunch, you can log the kids onto Skype and call him. The kids talk to him while you put away the dishes & throw in a load of laundry. You wave hi, talk for 5 minutes, but otherwise carry on with what you need to do and your dad gets at least 20-30 minutes of Skype time with the grandkids. My MIL loves this - all four of us are on the first few minutes of the call, I wave out 5 minutes in, DH waves after after 10 or 15, and then she gets to keep on with DD for as long as she's happy to sit & Skype.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think "awwww" after reading the text from OP's dad?
OP, be honest with yourself. You really can't find time to return a text or email to your father? As in, can't find 2 minutes on your day to write a little friendly note to an elderly man who lives across country that you see once a year?
I have timed how long it took me to write this, and it's less than 2 minutes now.
Maybe you need to take an honest assessment of what your priorities are, and admit he is not one of them instead of saying how busy you are.
If you really want to make an effort, here is an idea: set aside time every day at an " off" time, such as waiting in carpool line, when you climb into bed at night, maybe you have a weekly appointment or something that you sit in a waiting room for, pick up from kids activity, whatever, and dedicate that time, those few minutes, to your father

Look up "revealed preferences." I think it's a good analogy for people who claim that they care about their families but are somehow always too busy to actually talk to them or spend time with them.

I call my parents once a week at least. Because it's important to me. Yes, I'm really busy, but we all make time for the things that really matter to us. I often call my mom during my walk to pick up my daughter from daycare--that's ten minutes we can chat once or twice a week. Both my husband and I call our parents on Sunday nights after the kids are in bed. If we've got some down time, we'll do a Skype session with the kids.

Pick a time, once a week, and give your dad a call. He misses you. If you talked to him regularly, he would probably be happy with ten minutes a week, but it sounds like he never knows when he's going to talk to you, and his efforts to reach out are unsuccessful. Find a time that works for you, maybe a time when you're walking somewhere or otherwise waiting for something, and make that your weekly chat.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am going tot give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you are not intentionally hurting your father. And I think many of the posters have given you great advice. Make a time each week ( Sundays work in our house). Or return calls ile running errands, I often do this. I always rturn calls or emails with 24-48 hours.

When you tell people you are busy ( too busy for them) you are telling them they are not a priority in your life. Careful, your children are waching your narcissistic self absorbed behavior and may well adopt the same approach to dealing with you.

Ps your Dad's email made me cry. I would love to have a Dad and Granddad like that around for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

[Anonymous]

For years, I called my two aged aunts every Saturday morning when I was ironing. If they wanted prolonged conversations, I just went on with the housework and cooking.

Result - DH got to sleep in, wake up to a clean house, dinners for the week cooking, and my aunts were happy. Win, win, win, win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Get off your judgmental high horse.

She is not in any high horse, but probably fustrated and angry at how insignificant and unappreciated her own muddy life is. Let's just be sorry for her. Who knows why her children ignore her.

?? My life is just fine, my children are small so they worship me still, and we always have time for grandparents. It surprises me to see attitudes like yours just like it would surprise me to see green skin or four eyes on a person. To me, someone who feels this way toward your parents is not fully human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I honestly don't get you people. These aren't random annoying elderly people. These are your parents. You have young children now. Your parents have done everything for you that you are doing now for your parents, at the time where there was considerably less technology available to deal with household tasks. They cleaned your bum, spoonfed you, got up when you whined in the middle of the night for no good reason, taught you to read, funded your college education and paid for everything you owned until you left the nest. And you can't find time to call them now. Even if you kissed their feet every day for a year, it still wouldn't have been enough. I don't get you.

Yeah... no. This is certainly how many parents would like to be treated, particularly in Asian cultures, but then they forget the many blows, harsh words, traumatic decisions taken by them and endured by their kids - who are not about to forget in a hurry.

Talking about my own experience here. A parent-child relationship can be fraught with unresolved issues. Add to that distance and incredibly busy schedules, and there you go.

All I hope is that my children will forgive me for what I have done wrong, and be grateful for the things I did right. I don't expect any of them to be at my beck and call, and fully expect them to live across the world - like I did with my parents.