How to deal with parents & in-laws who just don't get that we're busy?

[Anonymous]

So we don't always return phone calls or emails within 24 hours and we're not always free for last-minute get-togethers--we love you and are not blowing you off or harboring unspoken resentments! It seems that no matter how many times I've tried to explain what my various family members' various seasonal commitments are, the message fails to get through. Anyone else BTDT more successfully? Strategies?

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about every day, once a week, once a month, 4 times a year?

[Anonymous]

Rather than go through the minutiae of your schedule, you might just say more generally that you're booked the next few weekends/evenings/what have you. It sounds like your parents and ILs might be looking for reassurance that they're important and will see you regularly--so listing all your activities just tells them more of the "you're not important" rather than what they want to know, which is when they'll see you next.

Two things:

1) Be proactive. If you know you have a busy time coming up, tell your parents and ILs and get something on the calendar with them, even if it's for aways off.

2) Short responses. Do they text? "Hey, saw your email, all's well here, more later love you!" And does your DH at least deal with his own parents, or are you the social manager for everyone? That could take half the task off your plate right there.

[Anonymous]

Are you initiating with them or are they always the ones to initiate contact?

I would expect if you suggest and schedule dinners, invite them to the dance recital and call or email them without it being a return call/email, maybe that would be ok. Maybe it is that they feel like they are always reaching out and you aren't making them feel important?

Do you send quick texts out of the blue? Maybe just a picture of Johnny at soccer practice or a text to your mom about a funny bumper sticker you both would laugh at, just little things to make them feel like you are thinking of them and are connected?

If you are reaching out to them and you are initiating with them it just might be the kind of people where nothing is ever good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you initiating with them or are they always the ones to initiate contact?

I would expect if you suggest and schedule dinners, invite them to the dance recital and call or email them without it being a return call/email, maybe that would be ok. Maybe it is that they feel like they are always reaching out and you aren't making them feel important?

Do you send quick texts out of the blue? Maybe just a picture of Johnny at soccer practice or a text to your mom about a funny bumper sticker you both would laugh at, just little things to make them feel like you are thinking of them and are connected?

If you are reaching out to them and you are initiating with them it just might be the kind of people where nothing is ever good enough.

Also, my mom (who is unreasonable about nearly everything) is practically sent over the edge when anyone says they are busy. She views it as an insult to her. If you are describing yourself or your family as busy, try taking out that word when talking with them.

[Anonymous]

My parents are local. On the weekends we are always on the go. They don't want to see me, they want to see the kids. So now I include them in scheduling. If they call and want to see the kids I say great. Larla had swimming Sat morning and a Bday party in the afternoon. DS has a soccer game and then has been invited to the movies with a friend. On Sun, we're going to church. Would you like DD or DS on Sat--they could spend the night with you and then meet us at church on Sun morning.

Sometimes they say yes. Sometimes they say no. But at least I've offered to let them spend time with their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Never underestimate the power of a phone call from the back seat. You maybe be driving but the kids can FaceTime relatives.

[Anonymous]

I don't buy this. I have 2 kids with over the top schedules and my own stuff and everyone in my life gets a return call within 24 hours. Last minute get togethers well they are last minute and that is different. If I don't have someone going on I do them and if I do I can't. This is not high drama. OP you sound rigid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your suggestions, all, especially about dropping the word "busy." I love that!

I guess I have two different situations, one with my in-laws and one with my father. My in-laws are local for half the year, then away the other half. I'm probably not as proactive as I should be about getting together--or getting them together with the kids--while they're here but I'm no slouch either. It's a challenge because when they're here it's during the school year, and between homework, sports, music lessons, plans with friends, etc., it is hard to nail my kids down. Every summer we visit them at their other house, but it seems we never stay long enough. I get so tired of feeling like what we do is never enough.

My father is another story. He lives in San Francisco and visits once very 1-2 years or so, which I'm grateful for, as we've managed only two trips in the past decade or so. Apart from that, we all have only a phone/email relationship with him. And as I mentioned, I don't always get back to him right.that.minute. This is the text I got today: "I know that your family is extremely busy. I never know what is the best way to communicate with you. Whether I send an email or a text, your response is never immediate. Sometimes days later. I never no why, not that this is important, but it makes it very hard to correspond with you. I guess I could call, but I have tried that and you have not always answered, whether I call home or cell. Just very confusing for me. Text and email, sometimes even phone, make the transmission of mood, inflection, tone, etc., either impossible or subject to misinterpretation. One of the drawbacks of technology today. This is why, when we are actually together, I anticipate us having in depth conversations about whatever you have been thinking you want to say to me and haven’t. Maybe there are never any of these thoughts. We don’t seem to have these conversations."

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It has really thrown me for a loop!

[Anonymous]

My family is far away. We have a weekly Saturday morning Skype date. Same time every week. We talk for about an hour. Maybe set up something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your suggestions, all, especially about dropping the word "busy." I love that!

I guess I have two different situations, one with my in-laws and one with my father. My in-laws are local for half the year, then away the other half. I'm probably not as proactive as I should be about getting together--or getting them together with the kids--while they're here but I'm no slouch either. It's a challenge because when they're here it's during the school year, and between homework, sports, music lessons, plans with friends, etc., it is hard to nail my kids down. Every summer we visit them at their other house, but it seems we never stay long enough. I get so tired of feeling like what we do is never enough.

My father is another story. He lives in San Francisco and visits once very 1-2 years or so, which I'm grateful for, as we've managed only two trips in the past decade or so. Apart from that, we all have only a phone/email relationship with him. And as I mentioned, I don't always get back to him right.that.minute. This is the text I got today: "I know that your family is extremely busy. I never know what is the best way to communicate with you. Whether I send an email or a text, your response is never immediate. Sometimes days later. I never no why, not that this is important, but it makes it very hard to correspond with you. I guess I could call, but I have tried that and you have not always answered, whether I call home or cell. Just very confusing for me. Text and email, sometimes even phone, make the transmission of mood, inflection, tone, etc., either impossible or subject to misinterpretation. One of the drawbacks of technology today. This is why, when we are actually together, I anticipate us having in depth conversations about whatever you have been thinking you want to say to me and haven’t. Maybe there are never any of these thoughts. We don’t seem to have these conversations."

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It has really thrown me for a loop!

Well, he is waaaaay overthinking it. Sometimes older people are just not up on social norms and think everyone has as much free time as they do. And I don't understand why he requires an immediate response anyway. My advice is: listen for the underlying message. Here, the underlying message is that he wants to have an in-depth conversation with you and doesn't know how to obtain that. Could you have a set time to speak with him at length, such as the first Saturday of the month?

[Anonymous]

And, OP, I would recommend that you really do make time for him. Honestly, it sounds like he has something weighing on his mind that he would like to share with you. Who knows what it is, but it may be something that is important to you to know.

[Anonymous]

I would expect a return phone call from anyone (family or friends) within 24 hours. That one seems like something you should just do. I bet that alone (and also responding to emails and texts promptly) will go a long way.

[Anonymous]

You are right, you are not as proactive as you should be in staying in touch. Perhaps your kids are so over scheduled, that you can't find room to let your dad into your life.

Your father gets to visit every 1-2 years and you've only been to visit him in San Francisco twice during the last ten years so you must have a phone/e-mail relationship with him yet you admit that you delay responding to his messages because you are soooo busy.

Your dad is right to complain that not only do you take several days to respond but that he would prefer to connect with telephone calls since texts/e-mails aren't working. Cut your poor dad some slack and give him your TIME. Comprende?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your suggestions, all, especially about dropping the word "busy." I love that!

I guess I have two different situations, one with my in-laws and one with my father. My in-laws are local for half the year, then away the other half. I'm probably not as proactive as I should be about getting together--or getting them together with the kids--while they're here but I'm no slouch either. It's a challenge because when they're here it's during the school year, and between homework, sports, music lessons, plans with friends, etc., it is hard to nail my kids down. Every summer we visit them at their other house, but it seems we never stay long enough. I get so tired of feeling like what we do is never enough.

My father is another story. He lives in San Francisco and visits once very 1-2 years or so, which I'm grateful for, as we've managed only two trips in the past decade or so. Apart from that, we all have only a phone/email relationship with him. And as I mentioned, I don't always get back to him right.that.minute. This is the text I got today: "I know that your family is extremely busy. I never know what is the best way to communicate with you. Whether I send an email or a text, your response is never immediate. Sometimes days later. I never no why, not that this is important, but it makes it very hard to correspond with you. I guess I could call, but I have tried that and you have not always answered, whether I call home or cell. Just very confusing for me. Text and email, sometimes even phone, make the transmission of mood, inflection, tone, etc., either impossible or subject to misinterpretation. One of the drawbacks of technology today. This is why, when we are actually together, I anticipate us having in depth conversations about whatever you have been thinking you want to say to me and haven’t. Maybe there are never any of these thoughts. We don’t seem to have these conversations."

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It has really thrown me for a loop!

Do you generally get along with your Dad otherwise? His text seems sincere and genuine to me. I think he is just telling you that he wants to talk to you more and he doesn't know the best way to communicate with you.