If your parents had no friends when you were growing up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

I wish people would stop blaming ADD. My child is ADHD as am I. Both of us are probably too social.

It doesn't sound to me like OP or the PP are blaming anyone, rather looking to understand why they are the way they are. Understanding the root of the issue can help them resolve it. And inattentive adhd(also known as add) usually presents different challenges than adhd.

Yes, OP here, exactly. I am just looking to understand why I have so much difficulty with friendships. I think at least part of it is not having a good role model for friendships. Other parts of it is a bit of social anxiety, being introverted, and being a bit frumpy.

[Anonymous]

My parents had practically no social life when I was growing up. My dad has a lifelong best friend, my mom has a sister (who is really her best friend but lived 6 hrs away), my sister really just has her best friend from hs. But my parents weren't social in the town I lived in, and I think that is certainly partially responsible for the fact that I have no good friends now, and have always struggled at holding onto friendships.

When you're a boy growing up with no older sibling and parents who aren't social, youre on your own. And when you're academically advanced but a physical late bloomer like I was, it isn't easy. I've been socially victimized and/or excluded by various people through high school, college, and law school. By the time it got to law school, of course, it was less explicit and more passive/aggressive.

But the fact is I'm a normal, even relatively good-looking guy, with no true friends I can depend on outside of my family. It's the main cause of my loneliness and anger, and I don't think I'll ever let go of these issues. I have trouble dating women because eventually they want to know who your friends are, and (fairly) would be repelled if they knew I didn't have any. I also have thoughts of harming those who have harmed me in the past, though I'm probably too chicken to actually commit these acts because I wouldn't like prison very much.

So parents, try to give your kids social opportunities. It's more important than anything else in their development in determining their happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents had practically no social life when I was growing up. My dad has a lifelong best friend, my mom has a sister (who is really her best friend but lived 6 hrs away), my sister really just has her best friend from hs. But my parents weren't social in the town I lived in, and I think that is certainly partially responsible for the fact that I have no good friends now, and have always struggled at holding onto friendships.

When you're a boy growing up with no older sibling and parents who aren't social, youre on your own. And when you're academically advanced but a physical late bloomer like I was, it isn't easy. I've been socially victimized and/or excluded by various people through high school, college, and law school. By the time it got to law school, of course, it was less explicit and more passive/aggressive.

But the fact is I'm a normal, even relatively good-looking guy, with no true friends I can depend on outside of my family. It's the main cause of my loneliness and anger, and I don't think I'll ever let go of these issues. I have trouble dating women because eventually they want to know who your friends are, and (fairly) would be repelled if they knew I didn't have any. I also have thoughts of harming those who have harmed me in the past, though I'm probably too chicken to actually commit these acts because I wouldn't like prison very much.

So parents, try to give your kids social opportunities. It's more important than anything else in their development in determining their happiness.

You had me till the bolded part. Please seek therapy to process this. It's one thing to not have friends. It's another to have rage and no outlet. Work through this and know that it can get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

OP, for crying out loud, it's not your parents' fault that you lack social skills.

Well...it's not quite that simple. You are correct to a degree I think, but not altogether.

My parents had no friends - or very few - and this was because they are difficult people lacking good social skills themselves. I got past it by getting the hell away from them as young and early as I could. I was able to make friends, and while I have my own social foibles, I'm a lot friendlier and nicer, and didn't have a lot of trouble. My parents tried to horn in a little on my friendships, using them as a way to connect with the parents of my friends...who weren't having any of it. I was welcome in other people's homes; I have three 'surrogate families' I connected with who remain a close part of my life as I approach 50, one from preschool, one from elementary and one from high school. I credit those families a lot for my being socially resilient and teaching me a lot of things my parents didn't (and still haven't entirely mastered themselves) - appropriate boundaries, consideration, compassion. My closest sibling is a disaster case who is the worst of my parents combined and is only in her 40s starting to learn how to be a non-abrasive person (and only in fits and starts) - it does kind of warm my heart to see her developing a coterie of friends.

So yes, you're right: get over your parents and learn the social skills, but if you were isolated with socially inept parents - never mind any genetic component in all this - it can be a real challenge.

To the OP: the trick is what you can offer your friends: listening, being interested in them as a person, kindness and compassion. If you really want a primer, Dale Carnegie isn't bad - hell, Charles Manson read Carnegie in prison and became a first rate charmer...hopefully you're not a sociopath underneath.

[Anonymous]

My guess is you are being too picky regarding who you will accept as a friend. If all you want is a friend, visit a senior citizen's old age home. They are also desperate for friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had practically no social life when I was growing up. My dad has a lifelong best friend, my mom has a sister (who is really her best friend but lived 6 hrs away), my sister really just has her best friend from hs. But my parents weren't social in the town I lived in, and I think that is certainly partially responsible for the fact that I have no good friends now, and have always struggled at holding onto friendships.

When you're a boy growing up with no older sibling and parents who aren't social, youre on your own. And when you're academically advanced but a physical late bloomer like I was, it isn't easy. I've been socially victimized and/or excluded by various people through high school, college, and law school. By the time it got to law school, of course, it was less explicit and more passive/aggressive.

But the fact is I'm a normal, even relatively good-looking guy, with no true friends I can depend on outside of my family. It's the main cause of my loneliness and anger, and I don't think I'll ever let go of these issues. I have trouble dating women because eventually they want to know who your friends are, and (fairly) would be repelled if they knew I didn't have any. I also have thoughts of harming those who have harmed me in the past, though I'm probably too chicken to actually commit these acts because I wouldn't like prison very much.

So parents, try to give your kids social opportunities. It's more important than anything else in their development in determining their happiness.

You had me till the bolded part. Please seek therapy to process this. It's one thing to not have friends. It's another to have rage and no outlet. Work through this and know that it can get better.

+1. It does sound like you would benefit from having somebody help you get to the true root of your feelings. I guess that your feelings about your socialization skills are not the real root... Until you get help, you may continue to feel unnecessarily angry and sad for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My parents were and are like this too.
My childhood was rather difficult because they were also authoritarian and didn't allow me to socialize outside of school. My friends' parents would call mine to politely ask why I wasn't coming to their daughter's party, movie, get-together, etc. Didn't do any good but I did appreciate that they cared enough to call.

I now believe my parents may have ADD, and may have found social interaction after work to be overwhelming - although it doesn't explain everything.
I have ADD, which affects brain maturation, and so a lack of practical social know-how plus ADD made my independent 20s rather awkward. Despite being reasonably pleasant and attractive, I didn't know how to make and keep friends and made many social mistakes, some professional, that I'd rather not recall.

However time has been good to me . In my 30s now - I understand much better how to maintain friendships, and how to be outgoing and display friendly signs. It basically comes down to finding common ground at first, then being a good listener, and validating your friend's feelings when appropriate. Not crossing boundaries. Understanding when to back off. Treating everyone at the office as friendly acquaintances, NOT friends.

I'm still working on keeping track of friends! I can't handle too large a circle otherwise I forget to check up on people and we're not friends anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but... it gets overwhelming. A handful of friends is right for me.

Good luck, OP.

Thanks for sharing your story. Did you find anything particularly helpful as you learned better how to make friends? Like did you go to therapy? Take a social skills class? Read books about social skills? I feel like I am out there all the time trying to make friends with people and it's not working. I feel that this is in part because I never had a good "role model" for making/maintaining friendships from my parents.

I read books on communication when I was having trouble in my marriage and this helped me grow tremendously, including Dale Carnegie's "How to Make Friends" (not sure of the title) although until I saw your question I had not connected that with my subsequent stronger friendships - thank you, OP, for making me realize this! I'm a people-pleaser who has a hard time saying no but then I get resentful and can't express it. So I learned to stand up for myself, but in a polite, courteous way. I learned to phrase things positively (my parents were always very negative). To not gossip and avoid taking sides. I learned to communicate effectively by keeping a running mental list of all relevant data in the conversation. This is important for business, but also important for casual conversation: it keeps me focused (ADD!) and activates my memory so that I am better able to recall facts about my friends that prove I care about them, their kids, their cats, their surgeries, whatever it is. Good listening skills - paraphrasing what the other has said to validate their feelings is very important.

The other thing is that people here are so busy and may already have a social circle. My friends were all been relative outsiders like me when I met them, people who were looking for friends because they had just moved here, their kids had changed schools, etc. So try looking for the new people!

[Anonymous]

Mine did not but retired ten plus years ago and made lots of friends. They have a fantastic social life and I'm happy for them. We lived in the burbs and I think it is simply hard to make friends. I wouldn't assume it is your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

I wish people would stop blaming ADD. My child is ADHD as am I. Both of us are probably too social.

Your experience with ADD may differ, but as I have accepted my ADD and understood it more, I realize how much it has hindered my ability to maintain friendships. I too am social. I make too many friends, just like I start too many projects, and don't finish them. Like how I keep piles if clutter everywhere because if I put something out of sight I forget it exists, I have been great at maintaining friendships that are right in front of me every day, like coworkers I see every day or roommates in college. But adult frienships, especially separated by distance (and by that I mean even a quarter turn around the Beltway in traffic) are so, so much harder for me. By the time I think of people, I feel so guilty for neglecting them that I avoid them and spiral away from them.

OP, like you I grew up with parents with no friends and I vowed to be better at it. But here I am in my 40's with a kid with 600+ Facebook "friends" and no one who has come to my house to visit for months and months. No socializing st all. It's so lonely. My neighborhood is no good for making friends, I haven't time for hobbies, I don't live close to friends, and it's so hard. I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

You might look up some social skills books (even the ones for teens) and emotional/social literacy.

[Anonymous]

My friends' parents were good friends and grew up together, played cards together. We kids would hang out together. However, we were cliquish and not open to strangers. A stranger to us was anyone who we could not trace their family of origins back four or five generations to the Old Country.

Sometimes when groups of friends form, they close off to newcomers. They like their group the way it is, and they aren't welcoming.

Have you thought about a hobby, sport, or volunteer work, and make one good friend who can introduce you to a group? Also, smile, listen, don't talk too much so you don't ruffle any feathers. It seems a lot like middle school sometimes. To be honest, when I get that middle school vibe from adults, I leave and don't bother with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

My thoughts, exactly. Sorry, OP!

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was five, with my mom having full custody and having to work long hours. I'm also the only child. Honestly, I don't remember my mother 'socializing' with any friends during her time off, she was spending all her free time with me. She had friends from college she was in touch with, mostly, by phone, but that's about it.

I started school, met some friends there, and it has been a smooth ride ever since. Now that I'm an adult, my mother resumed some old friendships she was too busy to maintain before.

OP, for crying out loud, it's not your parents' fault that you lack social skills.

Its not about whining or apportioning blame. If i told you that my mother never cooked anything at home and therefore i needed advice on how to cook everyday, how normal people actually fit it into their lives would you think that was unreasonable? Also having friends you call from colleges shows building and maintaining long term relationships as an adult. You didnt mention your dad so shall i just assume he socialized? What about dating? Im not the op, i have a similair issue, i know its a small hurdle, a few things to learn but come on with this bs. Why does it bother you that someone mentions their upbrining as a root cause? Is it because when you were growing up something (far worse ) about your upbringing had an affect on you, but you wont admit that it did? So you hate people associating behaviours and feelings they have today with their youth because if something as banal as this could affect you long term than what about something worse?

[Anonymous]

OP thank your for posting, and describing the issue so well. I don’t have advice but I have a similar conundrum that has been bothering me a lot as I get older and my kids grow into their teens. My parents were extremely social and we always had friends and family around us. Since they have died I have lost those connections and I too find that I only have a couple of close friends but no actual tribe. It is very lonely and I worry that my kids are losing out in that very positive aspect of home life. I could write another whole page here but I am on my phone and my experience isn’t directly relevant. I just wanted to say I commiserate 100%.

[Anonymous]

I am not religious but I am having a similar experience and have come to realize this is what church is for. I can’t get myself to go but I think if I did I wouldn’t be as lonely.

[Anonymous]

I think it helps as you get older, to have a wider definition of friend. To put together your own, "committee" basically of different people who you value for different things, recognizing forming new friendships in adulthood can be challenging, that some are friends due to a shared interest (such as children, or a sport or the gym, etc). And some are more lifelong and closer. I liked the recs for book club, or pta, gym, church, local government, or anything that interests you and then just asking if someone wants to go out for coffee. Start there. Psndemic may complicate this. It takes time and it's easy to feel you are the only one struggling but you are not I assure you. Keep trying, even one new friend can be a nice surprise and help a lot. Good luck op. People are often busy or introverted or preoccupied.....try not to take it personally.