If your parents had no friends when you were growing up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is you are being too picky regarding who you will accept as a friend. If all you want is a friend, visit a senior citizen's old age home. They are also desperate for friends.

Np and this resonates with me. I’ve come to be open to friends of all ages, even neighbors in their 70s and 80s.

OP, at least some of this is the stage of life we’re in, I imagine. People are just entrenched in juggling work, kids, household and it’s really hard to make new connections. The people I’m closest to are childhood and college friends, in the sense that when we talk/see each other it’s like no time has passed, but they’re not local or part of my daily life. I have become close with a few co-workers (I think it may be easier in my field, which is a bit touchy-feely) but once I leave to start a new job, it’s difficult to see each other more than once in a while (Facebook must suffice). I have a few neighbor friends but only one I see more regularly, and friendly acquaintance I might see socially from time to time. And I think that’s pretty typical. I think your expectations might be a bit high - they’re not unreasonable, but it’s just difficult at this stage, especially in this area.

However, I’m open, as I mentioned, to connections with people of all ages. Two former colleagues I’ve remained in good touch with are 15 years old than me, and I do volunteer with elderly and enjoy that interaction a great deal. That connection can come in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Often in a couple too, one of the parties may be an extrovert so even if the other partner likes you, the family social "roster" may be pretty full if the partner's friends are basically also couple friends. You know what I mean?? I feel this way...have met people I genuinely want to know better one on one, but with work, mothering and his friend group who we do friend things with (dinner, etc) and I like well enough...I find I get complacent with meeting new people and going out because we have built in long term friends....but your post is making me re evaluate that because Friendships are shifting all the time, as we age people will die, so making friends is an important skill. You sound like you know how, op...it may not be you.

[Anonymous]

My mom has a large social network but she’s a lifelong artist and people in that community seem to be really open and accepting. OP, do you have any creative inclinations (I personally do not, ha, so it wouldn’t help me). Maybe you can take an art class, etc.?

[Anonymous]

I'm also an only whose parents didn't really hang out with people or have friends I was aware of. I always commented on it, but it wasn't necessarily bad and I don't think it impacted my friendships. I do recall dinners and stuff, but they were more one offs of "catching up" rather than recurring friends we saw regularly and had real relationships with. They had a few friends -- usually single men, oddly -- and would bring me along to meet them for coffee or breakfast maybe every 6 weeks or so.

I have an only and have a lot of friends. My DH and I share some friends, but don't have a lot of couples we regularly hang out with besides neighbors. Certainly we are 100x more social than either of our parents were.

I think a lot of parents these days idealize the neat package of couple friends with same-aged kids that you can hang out with and vacation with and the parents are close and the kids are close. That never did appeal to me, and my child would revolt if we forced that.

I think me, my DH, and our kid all make friends in our own way and feel ok about that, pandemic notwithstanding. My parents in their older age socialize a lot more now, too, which is positive.

[Anonymous]

You sound thoughtful, kind and lovely, OP - the makings of a good friend. Sometimes it’s just the pure luck of being in the orbit of someone who is open to a new connection; that’s not as common in adulthood as you might think, so it really may not be something you’re doing or not doing. I have a hunch that if you were my neighbor, I’d be very pleased if you reached out, and we’d become friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is you are being too picky regarding who you will accept as a friend. If all you want is a friend, visit a senior citizen's old age home. They are also desperate for friends.

Np and this resonates with me. I’ve come to be open to friends of all ages, even neighbors in their 70s and 80s.

OP, at least some of this is the stage of life we’re in, I imagine. People are just entrenched in juggling work, kids, household and it’s really hard to make new connections. The people I’m closest to are childhood and college friends, in the sense that when we talk/see each other it’s like no time has passed, but they’re not local or part of my daily life. I have become close with a few co-workers (I think it may be easier in my field, which is a bit touchy-feely) but once I leave to start a new job, it’s difficult to see each other more than once in a while (Facebook must suffice). I have a few neighbor friends but only one I see more regularly, and friendly acquaintance I might see socially from time to time. And I think that’s pretty typical. I think your expectations might be a bit high - they’re not unreasonable, but it’s just difficult at this stage, especially in this area.

However, I’m open, as I mentioned, to connections with people of all ages. Two former colleagues I’ve remained in good touch with are 15 years old than me, and I do volunteer with elderly and enjoy that interaction a great deal. That connection can come in different ways.

This is so wise...I have two relatively new neighbors, matriarchs (each happily living alone) in the houses on our left and right...they are 73 and 93, both sharp as tacks, very funny, and it has been great getting to know them. (I'm 52) One just brought us donuts because my husband took away some wood that she needed removed. The other hosted a coffee when we moved into the neighborhood. They inspire me and post covid I am having them over but even during this time, it has been sweet having them near. Yes, let's widen the age range...it's really enriching, I hope they feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound thoughtful, kind and lovely, OP - the makings of a good friend. Sometimes it’s just the pure luck of being in the orbit of someone who is open to a new connection; that’s not as common in adulthood as you might think, so it really may not be something you’re doing or not doing. I have a hunch that if you were my neighbor, I’d be very pleased if you reached out, and we’d become friends.

This is so kind and pp I would probably want to be friends with both of you too...I agree, in adulthood there are a lot of things that can come before friendships and that makes it harder. At the same time time, you don't need a ton of friends, just a couple of good ones..keep trying.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of parents these days idealize the neat package of couple friends with same-aged kids that you can hang out with and vacation with and the parents are close and the kids are close. That never did appeal to me, and my child would revolt if we forced that.

+1. I also think oftentimes, these "friendships" are very surface level and may appear to outsiders as if they are very close when it's really not deep at all.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your background is exactly like mine, OP, with the sole exception that I don't really miss having more friends. It could be worse: I could be my parents, who have ZERO friends. Or my Aspie husband, who has ZERO friends. I feel like a social butterfly next to them

I also have ADHD and I realize that I wouldn't be able to keep up with additional people in my life, even though I often have friendly vibes with new people and I wish to know more of them. So I am grateful for the few good friends I have, and I try to model being a good friend to my children, who are also pretty introverted and asocial.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you should use your kids to get friends. It's a great way to meet people. And tell your husband he needs to not be a hermit - if for no other reason than to model for the kids how adults have friends.

My parents had very few friends and also gave terrible advice. I learned to be a good friend by getting yelled at by other kids who actually gave solid advice within their insults. It took until my early 30's to feel comfortable with my friendships.

OP, don't worry about the NUMBER of friends you have. Most people just have a lot of people they're friendly with - not real close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I forgot to add that I'm a married SAHM with 2 kids. Thanks!

How old are your kids? The elementary years are the salad days for SAHMs to make good friends and socialize.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you moved a lot? My parents had and still have close friends; my dad from as far back as primary school and my mom from nursing school. Neither they nor their close friends have left the area; they have both made a few new friends over the years but the same core group still see each other 50 years after they met.
Moving around can have a great impact on long lasting friendships.
Also, maybe your parents were just introverted and you are as well.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't model their friendships on their parents' friendships. In fact, childhood friendships bear very little resemblance to adult friendships. You think your kid calls their 12 year old friend and says, "hey come on over lets drink wine in the sitting room and talk about boring stuff?" Because that's what kids observe of adult friendships. OP is just complaining because they aren't good at making friends, but it has nothing to do with the fact that they didn't observe their parents having friends

[Anonymous]

I did not read all the responses but OP, is it possible that growing up an only in an unsocial household you developed a strong capacity to be alone? Because if you did, you may not be spurred to reach out and make connections with other people as much as those who hate to be alone.

One of my BF does not like to be alone. She has never lived alone, (she's 50) never traveled alone (on an airplane) and is so into having company that she agrees to go on errands with friends, or to events she's not that into b/c she's there for the companionship. Guess what? She has a ton of friends. She's a lovely person which helps, but she makes a ton of room in her life for friendship.

(I'm more in the middle of the spectrum. I love my friend time, and have a lot of great friends, but I also need my alone time.)

Maybe you just think you are prioritizing friendships esp. if you re comparing it to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

My thoughts, exactly. Sorry, OP!

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was five, with my mom having full custody and having to work long hours. I'm also the only child. Honestly, I don't remember my mother 'socializing' with any friends during her time off, she was spending all her free time with me. She had friends from college she was in touch with, mostly, by phone, but that's about it.

I started school, met some friends there, and it has been a smooth ride ever since. Now that I'm an adult, my mother resumed some old friendships she was too busy to maintain before.

OP, for crying out loud, it's not your parents' fault that you lack social skills.

I kind of agree here. I have poor social skills and have struggled both to make new friends as an older adult, and with maintaining old friendships after I no longer live in the same area.

My parents had friendships when I was growing up, and have maintained several long term. It is really a different thing. My issues are my own.