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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
My parents were and are like this too. 
My childhood was rather difficult because they were also authoritarian and didn't allow me to socialize outside of school. My friends' parents would call mine to politely ask why I wasn't coming to their daughter's party, movie, get-together, etc. Didn't do any good but I did appreciate that they cared enough to call.

I now believe my parents may have ADD, and may have found social interaction after work to be overwhelming - although it doesn't explain everything. 
I have ADD, which affects brain maturation, and so a lack of practical social know-how plus ADD made my independent 20s rather awkward. Despite being reasonably pleasant and attractive, I didn't know how to make and keep friends and made many social mistakes, some professional, that I'd rather not recall.

However time has been good to me :-). In my 30s now - I understand much better how to maintain friendships, and how to be outgoing and display friendly signs. It basically comes down to finding common ground at first, then being a good listener, and validating your friend's feelings when appropriate. Not crossing boundaries. Understanding when to back off. Treating everyone at the office as friendly acquaintances, NOT friends.

I'm still working on keeping track of friends! I can't handle too large a circle otherwise I forget to check up on people and we're not friends anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but... it gets overwhelming. A handful of friends is right for me.

Good luck, OP. [/quote]

Thanks for sharing your story.  Did you find anything particularly helpful as you learned better how to make friends?  Like did you go to therapy?  Take a social skills class?  Read books about social skills?  I feel like I am out there all the time trying to make friends with people and it's not working.  I feel that this is in part because I never had a good "role model" for making/maintaining friendships from my parents.[/quote]

I read books on communication when I was having trouble in my marriage and this helped me grow tremendously, including Dale Carnegie's "How to Make Friends" (not sure of the title) although until I saw your question I had not connected that with my subsequent stronger friendships - thank you, OP, for making me realize this! I'm a people-pleaser who has a hard time saying no but then I get resentful and can't express it. So I learned to stand up for myself, but in a polite, courteous way. I learned to phrase things positively (my parents were always very negative). To not gossip and avoid taking sides. I learned to communicate effectively by keeping a running mental list of all relevant data in the conversation. This is important for business, but also important for casual conversation: it keeps me focused (ADD!) and activates my memory so that I am better able to recall facts about my friends that prove I care about them, their kids, their cats, their surgeries, whatever it is. Good listening skills - paraphrasing what the other has said to validate their feelings is very important.

The other thing is that people here are so busy and may already have a social circle. My friends were all been relative outsiders like me when I met them, people who were looking for friends because they had just moved here, their kids had changed schools, etc. So try looking for the new people!

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