If you're an older sibling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 9 years older than my sister. When she wanted to get married at 19, even though hes a great guy, I tried to give her reaons to wait. I didnt actively tell her not to do it but I certainly offered unsolicited advice. In the end, they got married and are doing great with a beautiful family. I think she missed out on her college years and now has some regrets about that, but ultimately, she is very happy and living the right life for her.

If you are close with your sibling and they trust you, offer advice without being judgmental. If the relationship has always been contentious, dont bother. If you are willing to be a supposrt, say "I think you might be better off if you did x instead of y, but you are my sister and I'll always be here for you."

OP here. Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to say everything without telling my sibling what to do or making a future relationship more strained.

OP, I would suggest you look into your life first and then make your suggestions. I'm the youngest sibling and so is my husband. Our older sibling have tried to give us advice, but honestly we have proven that we can actually make better decisions than them. I appreciate that they care enough to gee "advice," but based on what I have seen them do, I would never take their advice seriously. If I needed their advice I would directly seek it out.

Maybe instead of giving advice, I should simply voice my concerns. But then I feel like I would just be causing problems, not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

[Anonymous]

Advice is only worth giving if it will be well received. I am the PP that gave her younger sister advice. She didnt take it but there were definitely no hard feelings and I did it with humor.

Meanwhile, my brother is married with 2 kids and making so many poor financial, career, and parenting decision but I know that there is nothing I can say that would change anything he does. So instead I just support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

That's rough. Hope he figures things out. You're a good sister to be there for him. I know it must be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice is only worth giving if it will be well received. I am the PP that gave her younger sister advice. She didnt take it but there were definitely no hard feelings and I did it with humor.

Meanwhile, my brother is married with 2 kids and making so many poor financial, career, and parenting decision but I know that there is nothing I can say that would change anything he does. So instead I just support him.

Yeah, that's what I'm struggling with -- making sure to say it in a way that doesn't result in offense. It'll be hard to be lighthearted about this topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

That's rough. Hope he figures things out. You're a good sister to be there for him. I know it must be hard.

Thanks and as for advice to him, I walk a fine line. I can't come out and say you don't have your stuff together because that's never well received by anyone. But it's the truth. She left because his financial house is not in order and he has no plans to get it in order. So when he asks why did she leave, what does she want, I have to do the dance.

I'm trying to get him to fully understand what someone is looking for, that he has to start thinking about old age. It's falling on deaf ears or I'm not being blunt enough. Or maybe he does get it and is choosing to ignore me.

But at the end of the day unless something changes drastically, when he can no longer do manual labor because his body won't let him, he'll be living in my basement. People on here may say that it's his problem, that these are his choices, and it's not my responsibility. And they're right. But he is my brother and my family, so he is my responsibility. There is just no way I could sleep at night with food in my belly, in my warm bed knowing he was cold and hungry somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

That's rough. Hope he figures things out. You're a good sister to be there for him. I know it must be hard.

Thanks and as for advice to him, I walk a fine line. I can't come out and say you don't have your stuff together because that's never well received by anyone. But it's the truth. She left because his financial house is not in order and he has no plans to get it in order. So when he asks why did she leave, what does she want, I have to do the dance.

I'm trying to get him to fully understand what someone is looking for, that he has to start thinking about old age. It's falling on deaf ears or I'm not being blunt enough. Or maybe he does get it and is choosing to ignore me.

But at the end of the day unless something changes drastically, when he can no longer do manual labor because his body won't let him, he'll be living in my basement. People on here may say that it's his problem, that these are his choices, and it's not my responsibility. And they're right. But he is my brother and my family, so he is my responsibility. There is just no way I could sleep at night with food in my belly, in my warm bed knowing he was cold and hungry somewhere.

Does he ask you now for money? Food? Has he ever wanted to live with you before? If not, maybe he has a plan for himself. I totally understand the worry you're feeling but you can't live his life for him. He is a grown man. And I'd be very careful giving him the impression that you're his back up plan unless that is something that you are eager, ready and able to provide.

[Anonymous]

So many bad decisions that I cannot even keep track of them all. My parents completely enable the sibling though. I stopped giving advice long ago. No one listens to it.

[Anonymous]

I am an olde sibling. I think it is more than ok to say something. You care! They are lucky to have you...

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm going to talk to my younger sibling the first opportunity we get to be alone and in-person. I feel like I should write it all out so it doesn't come out all wrong. Silly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to talk to my younger sibling the first opportunity we get to be alone and in-person. I feel like I should write it all out so it doesn't come out all wrong. Silly?

It's never silly to write down the points you want to bring up so you don't get sidetracked or phrase something incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

I am a middle sibling. Oddly enough, my younger sibling has always made really good choices.

It's my older sibling that has made poor choices.

My approach has been to offer advice *WHEN ASKED* but not to interfere when not asked.

And when I have been asked, I've always framed the advice in, "X might be a more fruitful course of action than Y," offering alternatives and not necessarily accusing the sibling of being a bad person.

Sometimes the sibling has taken my advice. Sometimes not. But we've never had a falling out over it, and I think that's largely because I've never butted in when not specifically asked for advice and I've never been accusatory/condescending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

How will this become your problem? I think that this attitude (by you and by your parents) might be part of the problem. If it has never been made clear to your sibling that no one is going to pick up the pieces of his life, then, no, he isn't going to care about planning for the future. He knows that he always has someone to fall back on.

You cannot tell an adult how to live his/her life, but you can very clearly state that you will not (or cannot) support them if they fail in their chosen path.

(I'm the middle sibling poster above.) My parents have ALWAYS made it clear to all three of us that our lives are our own, we can make whatever decisions we want as adults, but we are the ones who will live with those decisions.

That's also clear between siblings.

Have you and your parents enabled this poor decision making? You can tell a person that they need to worry about their future, but if you don't also make it clear that they can't rely on you supporting them in the future, then your words are empty and meaningless.

[Anonymous]

I'm the stereotypical overachieving, type a oldest child. Younger sibling struggled through major drug and alcohol problems, even disappearing for a while. Parents are very loving but huge enablers. Sibling went to rehab and got married shortly thereafter, then had my two nephews. I don't think any real problems were ever addressed, my parents provide full-time childcare, and the cycle continues. Like another PP said, I'm now witnessing bad financial, career, and parenting decisions and feel helpless about it. Saying anything just provokes an outburst. The best thing I ever did was move away from my family and set big boundaries. I love them very much and we have great memories together, but the tough times we went through with my sibling and the fact that sibling is still the center of everything in the family (job drama, money drama, kid drama) makes it very hard to be around them.

OP, I will say that the one time I felt I got through to my sibling was when I sent a long, heartfelt letter to rehab. The response - apologizing for what we went through and expressing love - is something I really hold to when times are tough and I feel resentful.