If you're an older sibling...

[Anonymous]

...how do you react if you feel your younger adult sibling is making bad decisions that have larger consequences. Do you feel any responsibility toward your sibling and her/his future?

Do you offer advice? Caution? Do you wait to be asked for input?

[Anonymous]

Ages?

[Anonymous]

well into adulthood, thirties.

[Anonymous]

I am 9 years older than my sister. When she wanted to get married at 19, even though hes a great guy, I tried to give her reaons to wait. I didnt actively tell her not to do it but I certainly offered unsolicited advice. In the end, they got married and are doing great with a beautiful family. I think she missed out on her college years and now has some regrets about that, but ultimately, she is very happy and living the right life for her.

If you are close with your sibling and they trust you, offer advice without being judgmental. If the relationship has always been contentious, dont bother. If you are willing to be a supposrt, say "I think you might be better off if you did x instead of y, but you are my sister and I'll always be here for you."

[Anonymous]

*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

[Anonymous]

As a youngest sibling (of 4), this is incredibly frustrating. My life isn't perfect, but I'm a pretty content person, with a low-drama life. My older siblings regularly feel that it is incumbent upon them to make unsolicited comments and judgments about my life, even though they've had numerous crises, that required me to drop things to help them. Just because you're older, does not necessarily mean you know better; I think the sense of responsibility is often very over-inflated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well into adulthood, thirties.

And how would you feel if your sibling criticized you and gave you unsolicited advice, op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:well into adulthood, thirties.

And how would you feel if your sibling criticized you and gave you unsolicited advice, op?

OP here. Actually this younger sibling has often done this. But I'm the type that has to do things with everyone's approval. Trying to grow out of that. My younger sibling also cares what others think but tends to be more defiant and sometimes makes decisions to assert independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a youngest sibling (of 4), this is incredibly frustrating. My life isn't perfect, but I'm a pretty content person, with a low-drama life. My older siblings regularly feel that it is incumbent upon them to make unsolicited comments and judgments about my life, even though they've had numerous crises, that required me to drop things to help them. Just because you're older, does not necessarily mean you know better; I think the sense of responsibility is often very over-inflated.

OP here. Yes, this is what I am afraid of. I don't think my life is perfect. I just think I have a perspective on the issue at hand that will help avoid a lifetime of heartbreak and isolation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 9 years older than my sister. When she wanted to get married at 19, even though hes a great guy, I tried to give her reaons to wait. I didnt actively tell her not to do it but I certainly offered unsolicited advice. In the end, they got married and are doing great with a beautiful family. I think she missed out on her college years and now has some regrets about that, but ultimately, she is very happy and living the right life for her.

If you are close with your sibling and they trust you, offer advice without being judgmental. If the relationship has always been contentious, dont bother. If you are willing to be a supposrt, say "I think you might be better off if you did x instead of y, but you are my sister and I'll always be here for you."

OP here. Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to say everything without telling my sibling what to do or making a future relationship more strained.

[Anonymous]

I'm both a younger and an older sibling. If I see a sibling making a mistake (in my eyes) I say something. I don't browbeat but I will say something. But I've learned that they don't always listen and I've learned that my way is not always a non-mistake. Lots of times there is more than one way to handle something and you've got to do what is right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a youngest sibling (of 4), this is incredibly frustrating. My life isn't perfect, but I'm a pretty content person, with a low-drama life. My older siblings regularly feel that it is incumbent upon them to make unsolicited comments and judgments about my life, even though they've had numerous crises, that required me to drop things to help them. Just because you're older, does not necessarily mean you know better; I think the sense of responsibility is often very over-inflated.

OP here. Yes, this is what I am afraid of. I don't think my life is perfect. I just think I have a perspective on the issue at hand that will help avoid a lifetime of heartbreak and isolation.

Then say something. Explain to them why you think what they are doing is a huge mistake. Then let them do what they are going to do and don't judge. Sometimes huge honking train wrecks actually work out o.k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 9 years older than my sister. When she wanted to get married at 19, even though hes a great guy, I tried to give her reaons to wait. I didnt actively tell her not to do it but I certainly offered unsolicited advice. In the end, they got married and are doing great with a beautiful family. I think she missed out on her college years and now has some regrets about that, but ultimately, she is very happy and living the right life for her.

If you are close with your sibling and they trust you, offer advice without being judgmental. If the relationship has always been contentious, dont bother. If you are willing to be a supposrt, say "I think you might be better off if you did x instead of y, but you are my sister and I'll always be here for you."

OP here. Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to say everything without telling my sibling what to do or making a future relationship more strained.

OP, I would suggest you look into your life first and then make your suggestions. I'm the youngest sibling and so is my husband. Our older sibling have tried to give us advice, but honestly we have proven that we can actually make better decisions than them. I appreciate that they care enough to gee "advice," but based on what I have seen them do, I would never take their advice seriously. If I needed their advice I would directly seek it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.