If you're an older sibling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

That's rough. Hope he figures things out. You're a good sister to be there for him. I know it must be hard.

Thanks and as for advice to him, I walk a fine line. I can't come out and say you don't have your stuff together because that's never well received by anyone. But it's the truth. She left because his financial house is not in order and he has no plans to get it in order. So when he asks why did she leave, what does she want, I have to do the dance.

I'm trying to get him to fully understand what someone is looking for, that he has to start thinking about old age. It's falling on deaf ears or I'm not being blunt enough. Or maybe he does get it and is choosing to ignore me.

But at the end of the day unless something changes drastically, when he can no longer do manual labor because his body won't let him, he'll be living in my basement. People on here may say that it's his problem, that these are his choices, and it's not my responsibility. And they're right. But he is my brother and my family, so he is my responsibility. There is just no way I could sleep at night with food in my belly, in my warm bed knowing he was cold and hungry somewhere.

Okay, OP, I'm going to tell you my honest opinion here. I think you are an enabler.

When he asks why she left, DON'T do the dance!!!!!!!!!!! Be honest.

You say you aren't being blunt enough, but that's AFTER you admit you are dancing around the truth!!!!!!

You need to be frank and say, "hey, you can't do that job forever. And where will you live? Who will support you?" And then you need to say, "I'm not going to support you."

And yes, say that, even if you would take him in! Now is the time for him to plan. If he has any inkling that living off of you in old age is an option, then he's not going to take action to make changes now.

[Anonymous]

My younger sibling will never lead a fully independent adult life, for a number of reasons. He never listens to advice and wants to be treated like an adult (despite acting like a teenager), so no one can tell him anything. Right now my parents have to be responsible to make sure that he doesn't end up homeless, but when they are gone, it will be my job. Mostly, I'm annoyed. He has some ASD issues, but he's also lazy, unkind to my parents, self-righteous, and entitled. His ASD explains some of his issues, but he also uses it as a crutch to explain why he can't possibly be expected to eat better, exercise, or do anything he doesn't want to for the sake of someone else (while expecting people to do things for him), etc.

But in the end, he's my brother, and I'm not going to let him be homeless. But the rest is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh*. I feel resigned. I am 44 and he is 42. I'm being to accept that the bad decisions are never going to end and in all likelihood he will become my problem.

He'll come to you for help?

Yes and our surviving parent has recently started sayin " it's your problem now; I'm going to die soon".

My brother just has never grown up. The problem with this is that at 20 it's cool to be say a ski instructor. At 42, it's cold, tiring work that doesn't pay the bills and has no benefits. Of course by then you haven't developed a skill set that will allow you to get a nice warm office job with benefits.

Is he happy, PP?

He was until his most recent relationship left him citing she wants kids with a man that will be able to provide for both the kids and her in retirement. She did not want to be a SAHM, but she wanted a steadier income lifestyle if that makes sense. Her leaving has sort of been a wake up call. They were together 5 yrs and he was getting ready to propose.

That's rough. Hope he figures things out. You're a good sister to be there for him. I know it must be hard.

Thanks and as for advice to him, I walk a fine line. I can't come out and say you don't have your stuff together because that's never well received by anyone. But it's the truth. She left because his financial house is not in order and he has no plans to get it in order. So when he asks why did she leave, what does she want, I have to do the dance.

I'm trying to get him to fully understand what someone is looking for, that he has to start thinking about old age. It's falling on deaf ears or I'm not being blunt enough. Or maybe he does get it and is choosing to ignore me.

But at the end of the day unless something changes drastically, when he can no longer do manual labor because his body won't let him, he'll be living in my basement. People on here may say that it's his problem, that these are his choices, and it's not my responsibility. And they're right. But he is my brother and my family, so he is my responsibility. There is just no way I could sleep at night with food in my belly, in my warm bed knowing he was cold and hungry somewhere.

Okay, OP, I'm going to tell you my honest opinion here. I think you are an enabler.

When he asks why she left, DON'T do the dance!!!!!!!!!!! Be honest.

You say you aren't being blunt enough, but that's AFTER you admit you are dancing around the truth!!!!!!

You need to be frank and say, "hey, you can't do that job forever. And where will you live? Who will support you?" And then you need to say, "I'm not going to support you."

And yes, say that, even if you would take him in! Now is the time for him to plan. If he has any inkling that living off of you in old age is an option, then he's not going to take action to make changes now.

This is the OP. The person you are addressing is not the OP, just a PP sharing her experience to provide another perspective.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. In the same situation. I never offered advice or said anything in general until it became obvious he was engaging in both illegal and otherwise questionable behavior that threatened his kids' welfare.

Still didn't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. In the same situation. I never offered advice or said anything in general until it became obvious he was engaging in both illegal and otherwise questionable behavior that threatened his kids' welfare.

Still didn't help.

NP here and sorry to hear it didn't help. Can I ask how you responded? Do you still have a relationship with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. In the same situation. I never offered advice or said anything in general until it became obvious he was engaging in both illegal and otherwise questionable behavior that threatened his kids' welfare.

Still didn't help.

NP here and sorry to hear it didn't help. Can I ask how you responded? Do you still have a relationship with him?

I spoke to a therapist about how best to approach him. I tried to do it nonjudgmentally, but how can it ever be that? I tried to get him to focus on his kids. Tried to show him it was a family pattern that was repeating generation after generation, reminding him how much it hurt when Dad did this to us. And that we need to protect the next generation from the impacts of our family's history of abuse and neglect.

He hasn't talked to me since. He seemed to change for the better for awhile, so perhaps something I said sunk in. But he went back to his old ways. He has not spoken to me since. I felt a moral obligation to the children to say something. He'd been such a great dad for 10 years. Then everything changed. The kids are hurt and confused. And have been in physical danger at times. I didn't know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. In the same situation. I never offered advice or said anything in general until it became obvious he was engaging in both illegal and otherwise questionable behavior that threatened his kids' welfare.

Still didn't help.

NP here and sorry to hear it didn't help. Can I ask how you responded? Do you still have a relationship with him?

I spoke to a therapist about how best to approach him. I tried to do it nonjudgmentally, but how can it ever be that? I tried to get him to focus on his kids. Tried to show him it was a family pattern that was repeating generation after generation, reminding him how much it hurt when Dad did this to us. And that we need to protect the next generation from the impacts of our family's history of abuse and neglect.

He hasn't talked to me since. He seemed to change for the better for awhile, so perhaps something I said sunk in. But he went back to his old ways. He has not spoken to me since. I felt a moral obligation to the children to say something. He'd been such a great dad for 10 years. Then everything changed. The kids are hurt and confused. And have been in physical danger at times. I didn't know what else to do.

Very sorry to hear that, PP. I think you did the right thing. I hope things improve.