Please help stop looking down on my mom

[Anonymous]

You sound very young. This is the attitude of a teenager or very young 20's. Other people are not extensions of you. They are themselves and they reflect themselves. If she doesn't know something, that's her. If she looks a certain way, that's her. I think the message you are passing on to your kids is very sad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I want you to imagine visiting your kids when you are 65 or 70. Imagine that you are watching them teleport via space magic or whatever new technology is in use in 2065. Imagine them leaving on their rockets to Mars. Imagine you getting around on your artificial hips. Imagine them rolling their eyes at Grandma because she can't speak Quadroplexephalic. I mean, even babies speak that! And you don't know how to use the Holomaster? Good lord, how embarrassing!

OP, are you planning not to grow old? Please, share your secret.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have seen a very similar dynamic with my MIL and her mother. My MIL is a very kind, unassuming woman - but for some reason when her mother (i.e. my husband's grandma) is visiting , MIL is constantly snapping at her and being mean in a way I've never seen her act with anyone else. I assume it's some old family dynamic playing out, but it really reflects badly on MIL.

It's great you recognize this and want to try to change how you are acting. Can you come up with some mantra you can repeat to yourself before speaking out? Or give yourself small rewards for sucessfully surpressing yourself from lashing out? Or at least make an effort to balance any meanness with outward expressions of kindness and appreciation, as well as apologies for when you realize you've been unkind?

[Anonymous]

OP

Calling whole foods "magical" and the backup camera "futuristic" is actually kind of charming. Perhaps it reflects her unsophisticted origins, but to me it also indicates a love of life and an appreciation of what life has to offer.

I am the poster above whose mom embarrasses me for very different reasons - actually my mom is kind of the opposite of yours - she has seen it all and frequently acts arrogant and rude. I am the poster who suggested will power as a way to be a "good" daughter despite my mother's failings. I think the poster who suggested a mantra is saying kind of the same thing - just decide to be gracious no matter what.

Good luck - I know it can be hard and remember your kids will one day think of you as hopelessly out of date!

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? You sound very young to think like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a very similar relationship to my mother. I have gone through various phases with how I feel about and treat her. In my case, my mother is very dumb, I have really never met anyone quite like her. I find it frustrating and embarrassing, so much so that I used to get angry with her and treat her in a very mean way when she did something stupid in public because I was worried that people would think I was like her if I was kind and supportive. I eventually realized that getting angry with her only made me look worse and drew additional attention to the situation. I think the best way to approach it is with kindness. BUT, that's easier said than done. It's a work in progress and I still get angry with her, but I'm trying. For instance, on her last visit we were in a communal area in my building and she was talking about the movie 12 Years as a Slave. She asked me a silly question about it, something to the effect of "was it real" or not. I felt very embarrassed because she was making racially ignorant comments in front of a very smartly dressed AA woman passing by and my friend who is of Peruvian descent. I got very angry and told her she was a racist because in no way did I want to others to think that I shared her bigoted views. I made her cry and she nearly flew home the next day. In retrospect it just wasn't worth the anger, the energy, and the hurt feelings. She's dumb. I just have to ignore what she says and hope she doesn't offend someone when we're together. I don't know if that helps but mostly I just want you to know that you're not alone. It is very difficult with moms like ours.

[Anonymous]

^^ Oh, and I wanted to add something here. I'm not that young. I'm in my 30s. My DH also finds my mom very difficult and he is the kindest, most patient person I know. He does deal with her better than I do but it's still challenging for him. So just because she feels this way it doesn't mean OP is young necessarily. My mom failed me in some pretty significant ways related to abuse and it's not so easy to see past that at any age. No one but the OP knows the whole story.

[Anonymous]

You know who looks bad when you're mean to your mom? You do.

You're embarrassing yourself. Think how you'd react if you saw someone treating her mother the way you treat yours.

[Anonymous]

I read through almost all the posts before I could figure out what a "backup camera" was. (The camera you use when you inevitably lose your primary camera??? A camera that backs up all those digital files on your computer that you've never got around to putting on the cloud?). Clearly, I drive an old car and clearly I am not ready for this "futuristic" world. My mom can't figure out how to turn on a computer, but I do know she was one of the smartest kids on her class back in the '40s. It's just hard to keep up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read through almost all the posts before I could figure out what a "backup camera" was. (The camera you use when you inevitably lose your primary camera??? A camera that backs up all those digital files on your computer that you've never got around to putting on the cloud?). Clearly, I drive an old car and clearly I am not ready for this "futuristic" world. My mom can't figure out how to turn on a computer, but I do know she was one of the smartest kids on her class back in the '40s. It's just hard to keep up...

Yeah, I didn't figure it out until about the last post either.

[Anonymous]

People would rather see you kind and sweet to your mother than a total bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP, Work on yourself during the other 50 weeks of the year when your mom isn't visiting. This sounds like a big project.

[Anonymous]

Op again. It's probably because my mom represents where I came from and I run hard to get away from it. She's not a bad person. She's actually very tolerant. She's just unsophisticated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. It's probably because my mom represents where I came from and I run hard to get away from it. She's not a bad person. She's actually very tolerant. She's just unsophisticated.

Well, apparently so are you - since anyone who was truly sophisticated would have enough class and decency not to resent the person who brought her into the world and raised her simply for being unfamiliar with consumer product innovations. Knowing what a backup camera is doesn't make you sophisticated. Knowing how to treat people well might. Try working on that OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a very similar relationship to my mother. I have gone through various phases with how I feel about and treat her. In my case, my mother is very dumb, I have really never met anyone quite like her. I find it frustrating and embarrassing, so much so that I used to get angry with her and treat her in a very mean way when she did something stupid in public because I was worried that people would think I was like her if I was kind and supportive. I eventually realized that getting angry with her only made me look worse and drew additional attention to the situation. I think the best way to approach it is with kindness. BUT, that's easier said than done. It's a work in progress and I still get angry with her, but I'm trying. For instance, on her last visit we were in a communal area in my building and she was talking about the movie 12 Years as a Slave. She asked me a silly question about it, something to the effect of "was it real" or not. I felt very embarrassed because she was making racially ignorant comments in front of a very smartly dressed AA woman passing by and my friend who is of Peruvian descent. I got very angry and told her she was a racist because in no way did I want to others to think that I shared her bigoted views. I made her cry and she nearly flew home the next day. In retrospect it just wasn't worth the anger, the energy, and the hurt feelings. She's dumb. I just have to ignore what she says and hope she doesn't offend someone when we're together. I don't know if that helps but mostly I just want you to know that you're not alone. It is very difficult with moms like ours.

OK, I am a dumb mother myself. I pray that my children are never as ... socially challenged as you. The Peruvians know much more about honoring parents than you do. Your mothers love you. Please try to be grateful that you even have one.