Please help stop looking down on my mom

[Anonymous]

Go back under your bridge, OP.

[Anonymous]

My mother embarrassed me, too for a number of years. Then I grew up and had a family of my own. You'll grow out of it and realize a mother's love and support can't be replaced.

[Anonymous]

Limit contact.
The truth is, she annoys you because she's your mother.
Try to be as tolerant as you possibly can, and model that for your children.

I can barely tolerate my mother, for the following reasons:

1. She continually criticizes everybody.

2. She nags and gets agitated at the drop of a hat.

3. She's pathologically controlling towards my father and myself.

4. She's a bit stupid, which make the above activities often unbearable.

SOLUTION:

1. We don't live on the same side of the Atlantic.

2. While I call her often, I have this trick of pulling the receiver away from my ear and rolling my eyes when she says something really terrible. Then I catch up on the rest of her conversation.

3. Since I can't do this in her presence, I do my best to see her as rarely as I can, while still seeing my dear father. Sadly, they are inseparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I feel really bad ok. I admit that I hate harboring such thoughts but I do. I don't know why.

You really believe your mom's weight will bring down properly values? And the fact that she shops at Target? You can't be for real. You just can't be. I thought the existence if people like you was an urban legend. How does your therapist not vomit in her mouth while you share these things? Most of us here have advanced degrees and shop at whole foods and are appalled at your shallowness. If you really are for real then I should ease up on you because clearly you are deeply insecure and I should feel sad for you but ugh...

Look, I'm the poster who said this "daughter" should have been given up at birth for adoption, and I still think that the bolded is out of line. Therapists don't get to be judgemental. It's their job not to be. If there's any hope for this would-be human being, it's therapy. Let's not put her off it with such suspicions about her therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I feel really bad ok. I admit that I hate harboring such thoughts but I do. I don't know why.

You really believe your mom's weight will bring down properly values? And the fact that she shops at Target? You can't be for real. You just can't be. I thought the existence if people like you was an urban legend. How does your therapist not vomit in her mouth while you share these things? Most of us here have advanced degrees and shop at whole foods and are appalled at your shallowness. If you really are for real then I should ease up on you because clearly you are deeply insecure and I should feel sad for you but ugh...

Look, I'm the poster who said this "daughter" should have been given up at birth for adoption, and I still think that the bolded is out of line. Therapists don't get to be judgemental. It's their job not to be. If there's any hope for this would-be human being, it's therapy. Let's not put her off it with such suspicions about her therapist.

PP here. Fair enough. I actually agree with you. I just had a strong reaction to her post.

[Anonymous]

A few more additions:

1) she is addicted to TLC and it's reality shows. And she believes all the stories. It's fake! This is how people get scammed. So gullible.

2) everything is a big surprise. Exclamations at everything. Jeez. Hand motions when she tells a story.

3) she records the weirdest things. We bought her a digital camera with video and she will just record our family hanging out in the tv room. Why? It's creepy.

4) please stop switch to cnn during commercial breaks and pretending you're wolf blitzer.

Honestly I look at her with her teacher's pension and SS check and wonder if she thinks she made the best out of her life. How can people have such little ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few more additions:

1) she is addicted to TLC and it's reality shows. And she believes all the stories. It's fake! This is how people get scammed. So gullible.

2) everything is a big surprise. Exclamations at everything. Jeez. Hand motions when she tells a story.

3) she records the weirdest things. We bought her a digital camera with video and she will just record our family hanging out in the tv room. Why? It's creepy.

4) please stop switch to cnn during commercial breaks and pretending you're wolf blitzer.

Honestly I look at her with her teacher's pension and SS check and wonder if she thinks she made the best out of her life. How can people have such little ambition.

Okay, now you've taken it too far and have lost all credibility. You're taking us for a ride for your own twisted entertainment and this whole thing is fake.
Are you a bored teen on summer break?

[Anonymous]

This thread is either completely fake or the more awful thing I've ever read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're a fake.

However, for those who might be reading this to gain insight on how to have more patience with family members (including children), I used a little mind tricking to retrain myself. I did this because in the moment of frustration, it can be hard to be our best selves. Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it, and you need some simple little tricks that you can deploy when the chips are down.

That said, and I can't remember who I lifted this from, sorry, I pretend I'm talking to a VIP I have to host in my home.

What would I say if the Ambassador had just dined in my home and walked out leaving her umbrella behind? Would I say, "OMG you wouldn't remember your own head if it wasn't attached would you? How can you be so stupid and forgetful? Uh, did you forget something silly...again? Your...umbrella? Hello?"

No. I would say, "here's your umbrella. thanks for visiting. I really enjoyed having you."

Playing this little game has helped me retrain myself to speak with more respect to my husband, kids, and yes, mom and dad.

I wish I had spoken respectfully every single time with my beloved, spectacular grandmother. I was rude and impatient a few times. I miss her literally every day. I can't believe she is gone and I cannot call her, visit her, or hug her. Sometimes I mentally tour her house and sit beside her and talk to her because I miss her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is here to spend a few weeks with us this summer and every time she comes over I'm so mean to her. The thing is my mom is very unsophisticated and I seem to snap at every question she asks. She's a rube a Clampett and everything from. It knowing what an iPad is used to do to thinking a backup camera is "futuristic". And she's overweight and uses a cane so I'm embarrassed to take her out in public. She thought whole foods was "magical". Ugh. But when she leaves I feel really bad.

My mom had trouble using the iPad we gave her (it took several months but now she gets it) and she uses a cane.

She's a Mensa member. She also comes from one of the founding families of this country, in fact unless you didn't go to school in this country, you know her maiden name.

Get over it, OP: people age, in fact some of them age so much they need canes. Also, earlier generations didn't grow up with had iPads. Also, she's your Mother.

[Anonymous]

Just remember, OP, your mom is not connected to you. If your friends and neighbors find her odd or funny, first of all, it's her, not you they find odd. You are separate human beings. Second, if they really care that much they're not worth having as friends.

Anyway, this is what I do when dh starts to brag too much when we're with friends. I let it go because I remind myself that he is not me and people won't (or shouldn't) judge me based on his behavior. It helps enormously to keep me valuing him for the lovely person he is despite having this tendency to brag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. It's probably because my mom represents where I came from and I run hard to get away from it. She's not a bad person. She's actually very tolerant. She's just unsophisticated.

Pp again who advised realizing that your mom is separate from you -- OP, sounds like underneath it all the problem is that you still feel like you don't measure up. Maybe you need to learn to accept yourself first and your acceptance for your mom will grow. Good luck with this. Sounds like it's painful for you and I'm sure you want to get over this before your mom passes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh, and I wanted to add something here. I'm not that young. I'm in my 30s. My DH also finds my mom very difficult and he is the kindest, most patient person I know. He does deal with her better than I do but it's still challenging for him. So just because she feels this way it doesn't mean OP is young necessarily. My mom failed me in some pretty significant ways related to abuse and it's not so easy to see past that at any age. No one but the OP knows the whole story.

You know why your parents are good at pushing your buttons? They're the ones who installed them. Sometimes it's worse for the son or daughter than it is for the spouse. Dh was always annoyed at his mother but I got along with her okay. It didn't threaten my sense of who I was to be kind to an anxious old lady (who tried to control her anxiety by controlling her surroundings and her son) but my own mom? It took a lot of working separating from her emotionally before I could treat her so kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're a fake.

However, for those who might be reading this to gain insight on how to have more patience with family members (including children), I used a little mind tricking to retrain myself. I did this because in the moment of frustration, it can be hard to be our best selves. Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it, and you need some simple little tricks that you can deploy when the chips are down.

That said, and I can't remember who I lifted this from, sorry, I pretend I'm talking to a VIP I have to host in my home.

What would I say if the Ambassador had just dined in my home and walked out leaving her umbrella behind? Would I say, "OMG you wouldn't remember your own head if it wasn't attached would you? How can you be so stupid and forgetful? Uh, did you forget something silly...again? Your...umbrella? Hello?"

No. I would say, "here's your umbrella. thanks for visiting. I really enjoyed having you."

Playing this little game has helped me retrain myself to speak with more respect to my husband, kids, and yes, mom and dad.

I wish I had spoken respectfully every single time with my beloved, spectacular grandmother. I was rude and impatient a few times. I miss her literally every day. I can't believe she is gone and I cannot call her, visit her, or hug her. Sometimes I mentally tour her house and sit beside her and talk to her because I miss her so much.

OP here. Nope not fake. I will say I've done well to be kind and gentle to her this visit and not exhibit the behavior that I used to even though I had these feelings inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few more additions:

1) she is addicted to TLC and it's reality shows. And she believes all the stories. It's fake! This is how people get scammed. So gullible.

2) everything is a big surprise. Exclamations at everything. Jeez. Hand motions when she tells a story.

3) she records the weirdest things. We bought her a digital camera with video and she will just record our family hanging out in the tv room. Why? It's creepy.

4) please stop switch to cnn during commercial breaks and pretending you're wolf blitzer.

Honestly I look at her with her teacher's pension and SS check and wonder if she thinks she made the best out of her life. How can people have such little ambition.

Re. the bolded: never come to Italy, then, or you'll self-combust in indignation. Seriously, what's the big deal?

How can you be so cruel, especially taking into account that your Mum had brain surgery?

Instead of worrying about why she has "so little ambition", ask yourself why you have so little compassion and decency.