H doesn't understand why he shouldn't sleep with other women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is the thing.

The reason he should not sleep with other women is that he entered into a relationship with you (that became a marriage) that is based on the idea that you will be monogamous with each other. I'm certain that an element of this was including in the vows that you took. You built a life together, you had children together, and you (OP) probably would have made different choices if you had been aware that he was not interested in staying monogamous.

He made a promise to you, and breaking promises is morally condemnable. If you had always had an open relationship, it would be perfectly fine for him to sleep with other women, provided that he did so within whatever guidelines that you guys laid out between you. But you did not have that agreement. It sounds like he's bringing it up now because he would like to open your marriage up. If you are not interested in that kind of relationship, please do not think there is anything wrong with you for saying that you do not want that relationship.

If he sleeps with other women after you tell him that you are not open to his proposal, he is cheating on you and you should divorce him. I am fine with people staying married to people who cheat, as long as the cheater is repentant and wants to change. It sounds like your husband is giving you advance notice that he's going to cheat on you, which is basically the opposite of being repentant.

+1

[Anonymous]

If he has condoms in his car, I would be surprised if he wasn't at least sometimes hiring prostitutes or escorts. He may have done this already and is just now trying to justify stuff he has already done and wants to continue to do so he won't have to hide so much anymore. Men don't tend to confess about this stuff from the get go.

If I were you I would get myself tested and get some counseling and possibly also a lawyer. I am really sorry.

[Anonymous]

I think he is very helpfully telling you now that you will be getting a divorce in the near future. I would consult an attorney and get started. Clearly your husband wants to both keep his happy family life and sow his wild oats, which is not possible with you (perfectly understandable). I would start working with an attorney to make sure he doesn't screw you over financially. Also, I would plan to use condoms from now on because you need to keep yourself safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is the thing.

The reason he should not sleep with other women is that he entered into a relationship with you (that became a marriage) that is based on the idea that you will be monogamous with each other. I'm certain that an element of this was including in the vows that you took. You built a life together, you had children together, and you (OP) probably would have made different choices if you had been aware that he was not interested in staying monogamous.

He made a promise to you, and breaking promises is morally condemnable. If you had always had an open relationship, it would be perfectly fine for him to sleep with other women, provided that he did so within whatever guidelines that you guys laid out between you. But you did not have that agreement. It sounds like he's bringing it up now because he would like to open your marriage up. If you are not interested in that kind of relationship, please do not think there is anything wrong with you for saying that you do not want that relationship.

If he sleeps with other women after you tell him that you are not open to his proposal, he is cheating on you and you should divorce him. I am fine with people staying married to people who cheat, as long as the cheater is repentant and wants to change. It sounds like your husband is giving you advance notice that he's going to cheat on you, which is basically the opposite of being repentant.

This is excellent. I would add that you are selling yourself short. Why would you accept less than everything you deserve? My guess is that he feels like he can do whatever he wants, including having you take care of his kids, his home and continue to sleep with you AND others. What a perfect life for him. And when you wake up from this fog and realize it's not what you signed up for and take control of the divorce, he'll be left holding his dick in his hand because he just won't be that attractive anymore when he's living on his own and spending half his week with the kids and paying child support.

[Anonymous]

Tell him "Go ahead and sleep with other women. You just won't get to sleep with this one. And this life that we built together will be over. It will change in ways you never imagined. I can't be married to someone unless he is a full partner. My lawyer will contact you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that he feels like he can do whatever he wants, including having you take care of his kids, his home and continue to sleep with you AND others. What a perfect life for him. And when you wake up from this fog and realize it's not what you signed up for and take control of the divorce, he'll be left holding his dick in his hand because he just won't be that attractive anymore when he's living on his own and spending half his week with the kids and paying child support.

OP here. He considers himself very attractive to women (not necessarily physically, but financially) and at work he is surrounded by women who agree. That would not change after a divorce. His professional situation has improved dramatically in the past few years, and this may have brought about the change in his entitlement attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that he feels like he can do whatever he wants, including having you take care of his kids, his home and continue to sleep with you AND others. What a perfect life for him. And when you wake up from this fog and realize it's not what you signed up for and take control of the divorce, he'll be left holding his dick in his hand because he just won't be that attractive anymore when he's living on his own and spending half his week with the kids and paying child support.

OP here. He considers himself very attractive to women (not necessarily physically, but financially) and at work he is surrounded by women who agree. That would not change after a divorce. His professional situation has improved dramatically in the past few years, and this may have brought about the change in his entitlement attitude.

Yeah, but part of his attractiveness now is that he's got all his shit together. He has all of his needs and wants taken care of (yeah, he's sleeping with others on the side, and you probably already know that). When you divorce, he'll be dealing with his kids who are pissed at him and managing child care on his own. When the kids are sick at school, he won't just be able to call you. The demands on him will change, and they will not make him sexier.

What more important is YOU! You can't be that desperate that you would put up with this from him. Let him go, but not without him taking responsibility for everything he created. There is something so much better for you out there then a supposed partner that would treat you with such disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

He is already fucking around. Are you staying or going?
That is the only choice left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

First, has he really cheated or is this just talk?

Second, you still love him. Why? Is it because you depend on him materially or emotionally? Is it because you think his daily actions as husband and father are completely separate from his philosophy on adultery?

Third, you believe it's best for the children to stay in this situation. Why? Do you think this moral equivocacy will rub off on them? Do you think your husband's disrespect for you is healthy for your children to witness?

I would recommend therapy for you first, by yourself. You don't sound as if you're thinking straight.
Then you can tackle your husband.

OP here. He denies having slept with other women, but he carries condoms in his car all the time. When I confronted him, he said "it's just in case he comes into a situation he cannot resist." That really hurt me.

I love him because he is a good man and we used to have a wonderful life together.

Regarding the children, even if we get a divorce, they would still spend a lot of time with him, so the "moral equivocacy" would still rub off on them.

I cannot resist chocolate, so I don't buy any. IS your DH suggesting that a sexy woman is going to jump him and he won't be able to say no? What a LOSER. He is NOT a good man. Good men don't do this.

You either accept that he WILL cheat on you or you divorce him. Since you are reluctant to divorce, he knows this and will continue to be disrespectful to you by cheating on you or flirting with other women. What kind of message are you sending to your children? They will grow up thinking that this is what marriage is like and that is NOT acceptable.

Kids aren't stupid. They will figure out your DH is sleeping with other men and you passively accept it.

Get therapy to figure out why you are a doormat.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who could be carrying around a disease. Nor would I want to have sex with someone who had been unfaithful to me.

I agree with the Lorena Bobbit poster. Actually, I told my DH this in front of his mother and she laughed! I don't put up with cheaters and neither does he.

[Anonymous]

"I didn't realize that man could be monogamous."

-- Dr. Zaius

[Anonymous]

I want to know what kind of sex you have been denying him. I don't mean frequency, but type.

I don't condone cheating, but I kind of understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to know what kind of sex you have been denying him. I don't mean frequency, but type.

I don't condone cheating, but I kind of understand it.

OP here. This is not the explicit forum, so let's not go there. Let's just say that he doesn't expect anything extraordinary.

Other PP's thanks much for the helpful insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

He is already fucking around. Are you staying or going?
That is the only choice left.

OP, it's as simple as this. It really is. And know that if you do stay, which you have every right to do, just know that you forfeit the right to complain, vent or feel sad about it. If you stay, you have to own it and make peace with it. You don't get to stay and privately pine for him to change.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's not the explicit forum and you don't need to get explicit, but if you control what he wants by only giving him what you *think* he should want (or rolling you eyes at anything he wanted to try), you may have helped create the problem.

He LOVES you but wants to try X, Y, and Z...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

He is already fucking around. Are you staying or going?
That is the only choice left.

OP, it's as simple as this. It really is. And know that if you do stay, which you have every right to do, just know that you forfeit the right to complain, vent or feel sad about it. If you stay, you have to own it and make peace with it. You don't get to stay and privately pine for him to change.

OP here. Why couldn't I expect him to change, with family therapy, psychotherapy, etc? People are always quick to suggest divorce, but I hope it is also possible to work things out.