H doesn't understand why he shouldn't sleep with other women

[Anonymous]

It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

What happens when you tell him that means you should be able to sleep with other guys? Most men understand sexual jealousy. Would that help him understand why it would be painful for you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think he would be thrilled if I suggest that I would sleep with other men, too. He has hinted that several times.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just a huge hassle to live a double life. Lies, more lies, keeping track of lies just to bang women who are probably no better or more attractive than your own wife. Way too much hassle for me.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of women on here who share your husbands view and sleep with other men. I think it is an awful way to treat your spouse but it seems like many on this board agree so I think it is becoming far more commonplace.

I am really sorry OP. I am not sure that is something you can work through as you are on opposite sides of a moral issue.

[Anonymous]

What is he looking for? Open marriage? Divorce?

I would be upset if I wanted a monogamous relationship and dh wanted to open it up. That would absolutely be a deal breaker personally.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is why he wants to do it openly, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

First, has he really cheated or is this just talk?

Second, you still love him. Why? Is it because you depend on him materially or emotionally? Is it because you think his daily actions as husband and father are completely separate from his philosophy on adultery?

Third, you believe it's best for the children to stay in this situation. Why? Do you think this moral equivocacy will rub off on them? Do you think your husband's disrespect for you is healthy for your children to witness?

I would recommend therapy for you first, by yourself. You don't sound as if you're thinking straight.
Then you can tackle your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

First, has he really cheated or is this just talk?

Second, you still love him. Why? Is it because you depend on him materially or emotionally? Is it because you think his daily actions as husband and father are completely separate from his philosophy on adultery?

Third, you believe it's best for the children to stay in this situation. Why? Do you think this moral equivocacy will rub off on them? Do you think your husband's disrespect for you is healthy for your children to witness?

I would recommend therapy for you first, by yourself. You don't sound as if you're thinking straight.
Then you can tackle your husband.

OP here. He denies having slept with other women, but he carries condoms in his car all the time. When I confronted him, he said "it's just in case he comes into a situation he cannot resist." That really hurt me.

I love him because he is a good man and we used to have a wonderful life together.

Regarding the children, even if we get a divorce, they would still spend a lot of time with him, so the "moral equivocacy" would still rub off on them.

[Anonymous]

Is he sleeping with other people or does he just not share your belief in monogamy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he sleeping with other people or does he just not share your belief in monogamy?

I see you answered this as I was typing it.

You can't make him believe what you believe. He's entitled to his own opinion. Stepping out is another problem.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. He is openly looking for affairs.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is the thing.

The reason he should not sleep with other women is that he entered into a relationship with you (that became a marriage) that is based on the idea that you will be monogamous with each other. I'm certain that an element of this was including in the vows that you took. You built a life together, you had children together, and you (OP) probably would have made different choices if you had been aware that he was not interested in staying monogamous.

He made a promise to you, and breaking promises is morally condemnable. If you had always had an open relationship, it would be perfectly fine for him to sleep with other women, provided that he did so within whatever guidelines that you guys laid out between you. But you did not have that agreement. It sounds like he's bringing it up now because he would like to open your marriage up. If you are not interested in that kind of relationship, please do not think there is anything wrong with you for saying that you do not want that relationship.

If he sleeps with other women after you tell him that you are not open to his proposal, he is cheating on you and you should divorce him. I am fine with people staying married to people who cheat, as long as the cheater is repentant and wants to change. It sounds like your husband is giving you advance notice that he's going to cheat on you, which is basically the opposite of being repentant.

[Anonymous]

I guess you gotta give him credit for being honest instead of sneaking around...not that I would believe he hasn't already done it.

I think you need to ask yourself if this is acceptable to you, if this is the life and marriage you want for yourself. I think most people would say no to that. You deserve better than what he is offering you. I recommend going to therapy and getting to a point where you can believe that you are worth more than this.