H doesn't understand why he shouldn't sleep with other women

[Anonymous]

You're only really going to hear from monogamous people here.

Before you and your husband decide on what to do about his, you should read some of the poly information that is available. It will give you a perspective on what your poly husband's thinking, even if you answer is "No."

This book is the go-to book for a lot of people: http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Possibilities/dp/1890159018

[Anonymous]

Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's not the explicit forum and you don't need to get explicit, but if you control what he wants by only giving him what you *think* he should want (or rolling you eyes at anything he wanted to try), you may have helped create the problem.

He LOVES you but wants to try X, Y, and Z...

That's ridonkulus. Are you implying that she created this situation by not providing him with all his desires?

[Anonymous]

Not directly, no. Some people do feel like they want to experience things. They either give that up entirely or they do what this guy does. Decides to do it, right or wrong.

You may be able to say what people *should* do, but is argue people simply do what they always have done.

[Anonymous]

What if all he wants is variety?

[Anonymous]

OP, is this the first inkling you've gotten that he's interested in this kind of thing? Because if so, honestly, I strongly suspect it's because he's already involved with a particular person. That person is making him feel powerful and virile and now he wants "variety" and doesn't see anything wrong with that.

As for your suggestion that you can work it out, I suppose you can, but one of you will have to change their attitude about marriage. Either he has to decide that being married (to you) means that he doesn't get to sleep with other women or you have to decide that he can sleep with other women while staying married to you.

I pretty much guarantee that if you tell him "no, this does not work for me, you cannot do this", he will do it anyway. I would be EXTREMELY SURPRISED if he was not already sexually active with at least one person other than you.

Please use protection, if you have any sort of sexual contact with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just a huge hassle to live a double life. Lies, more lies, keeping track of lies just to bang women who are probably no better or more attractive than your own wife. Way too much hassle for me.

You probably have regular sex with your wife. Those of us who cheat either don't get it frequently enough or it's not satisfactory in some or multiple ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just a huge hassle to live a double life. Lies, more lies, keeping track of lies just to bang women who are probably no better or more attractive than your own wife. Way too much hassle for me.

You probably have regular sex with your wife. Those of us who cheat either don't get it frequently enough or it's not satisfactory in some or multiple ways.

SOME of you who cheat do so because your married sex life is unsatisfying. Some of you cheat because no sex life could ever be satisfying enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

Thank you for this post. No doubt, I'd be attacked as a male for suggesting that, yes, the spouse who denies some particular act is opening up cheating by giving the other no (ethical) way to get what they want.

1) Give up ever getting it.
2) Attempt to get it from spouse who will call you a whiner. Many women on DCUM love that term for a man who wants something sexual.
3) Get it on the side.

Sexual health is not guaranteed to last. If your spouse won't give you something (that's not harmful), the. The only way to get that experience is elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

One difference between humans and animals is that we can understand the long-term benefit in deferring gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

One difference between humans and animals is that we can understand the long-term benefit in deferring gratitude.

Is that a reference to "getting into heaven" because we've never had a blowjob? LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Why couldn't I expect him to change, with family therapy, psychotherapy, etc? People are always quick to suggest divorce, but I hope it is also possible to work things out.

Because it sounds like despite his longstanding commitment to you and your children, he doesn't want to change. It sounds like he is choosing this over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

One difference between humans and animals is that we can understand the long-term benefit in deferring gratitude.

Deferring gratification (not gratitude) forever?

[Anonymous]

Wow I guess on one hand he is lying it on the table for you to accept or leave. I agree with you, marriage is a one on one commitment, sounds like he doesn't want to be married.

Kids or not kids, that is not a marriage. Sorry but he is telling you what he wants to do and what he will continue to do. If you cannot accept it, it is obvious what needs to be done.

Best of luck.