H doesn't understand why he shouldn't sleep with other women

[Anonymous]

Your husband takes you for granted. Many people want variety, would love to sleep with someone different, but make the choice to give that up if their partner wants monogamy. Why do they do that? Because they value their partner and don't want to lose them and what they have. Your husband doesn't value you or put you and your feelings ahead of his sexual interests. He's got condoms and an open-for-business attitude, so it sounds like he's been out there already.

The ball is in your court. You could ask him to go to a counseling session with you as you figure out how to deal with this. He's convinced himself what he's doing is fine, but a counselor could, as a neutral person, tell him your desire to be monogamous is pretty natural for marriage.

Whether you stay or go, his decision seems to be made. Personally, I would go, especially if there's enough money for you and the kids to be okay. Let him find out if he misses you. Or do you want to be with someone who doesn't value you and consider your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think he would be thrilled if I suggest that I would sleep with other men, too. He has hinted that several times.

I suspect you have a divorce somewhere in your future. He's possibly waiting until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just a huge hassle to live a double life. Lies, more lies, keeping track of lies just to bang women who are probably no better or more attractive than your own wife. Way too much hassle for me.

You probably have regular sex with your wife. Those of us who cheat either don't get it frequently enough or it's not satisfactory in some or multiple ways.

That's an interesting relational strategy. Tell me, is this the way you are with all of your relationships? If you want your child to play baseball but they are not interested, do you take some other child to their baseball games every weekend and leave your own child at home? Are your wants and desires the only thing that matters in a relationship or can you acknowledge that in ANY relationship, what each person wants should be fairly balanced between the two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband takes you for granted. Many people want variety, would love to sleep with someone different, but make the choice to give that up if their partner wants monogamy. Why do they do that? Because they value their partner and don't want to lose them and what they have. Your husband doesn't value you or put you and your feelings ahead of his sexual interests. He's got condoms and an open-for-business attitude, so it sounds like he's been out there already.

The ball is in your court. You could ask him to go to a counseling session with you as you figure out how to deal with this. He's convinced himself what he's doing is fine, but a counselor could, as a neutral person, tell him your desire to be monogamous is pretty natural for marriage.

Whether you stay or go, his decision seems to be made. Personally, I would go, especially if there's enough money for you and the kids to be okay. Let him find out if he misses you. Or do you want to be with someone who doesn't value you and consider your feelings?

+1. Well put, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him "Go ahead and sleep with other women. You just won't get to sleep with this one. And this life that we built together will be over. It will change in ways you never imagined. I can't be married to someone unless he is a full partner. My lawyer will contact you."

OP...you can hope all you want for change. Divorce is exactly where you will end up. You can either drag out thr painful enevitable or just do it quickly. For your own pride, you should walk. He has no respect for you. He's probably already embarrassed you. I work with a man like your husband. He's gross and fucks skanks. I'm embarrassed for his wife. He's a dirtbag.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are being gaslighted here. Your DH understands damn well why he shouldn't sleep with other women and it's utterly ridiculous for him to present a false face that he just doesn't get it. You are being shined on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are being gaslighted here. Your DH understands damn well why he shouldn't sleep with other women and it's utterly ridiculous for him to present a false face that he just doesn't get it. You are being shined on.

Exactly. He knows full well why he shouldn't sleep with other women. He just doesn't WANT to be monogamous. He's decided that he doesn't need to play by the rules he agreed to when he got married.

[Anonymous]

^^One more thing--you're deluding yourself if you think you can find the right argument or statement that will magically change his thinking. Or that some therapist with be able to say something that will help him see the error of his ways. As you pointed out earlier, he is more successful at work and sees himself as attractive to other women. There is no logic or reason that will counteract that feeling of excitement and power that he is experiencing. You would be spinning your wheels.

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about swinging?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your replies. I believe that a marriage consists of an intimate emotional and physical bond between the spouses based on love, respect and commitment to a life and family that has been built up together. This is incompatible with swinging. I abhor the idea of having sex with strangers or casual acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if all he wants is variety?

It sounds like her husband just wants to be able to sleep with whoever he wants--he's had some professional success and wants to stroke his ego in this particular way. Or he's been married for a while and he thinks the grass is greener out there and wants to check it out at no risk to his marriage. And he wants his wife to agree that this is okay. But she doesn't. I have no problem with an open marriage if that's what both people in the relationship freely choose, but that's not what's happening here. It really doesn't matter why the husband wants to cheat--if he had a problem with their sex life or some other aspect of their marriage, he should try to fix that with his wife, not announce that he's basically looking for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I believe that a marriage consists of an intimate emotional and physical bond between the spouses based on love, respect and commitment to a life and family that has been built up together. This is incompatible with swinging. I abhor the idea of having sex with strangers or casual acquaintances.

Swingers are extremely committed to their families and to their relationships. They are very jealous of emotional intimacy, but not physical intimacy. If you can't separate them, then swinging is not for you. Some people can, though, and for them, they can open their relationship for sex without threatening the core emotional relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve both emotional ties and physical ties between the outside partners. I think they are much more threatening.

[Anonymous]

I can't get over how hurtful it would be to have my husband tell me he keeps condoms in his car "just in case". How unkind of him to say something like that. It just shows he doesn't care about your feelings. You sound committed to your marriage and family, so I would say you should be very clear about what your feelings are and suggest counseling. Make it clear it is not what you want for your marriage or family, and that you are not afraid to walk away if he is unwilling to re-commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I believe that a marriage consists of an intimate emotional and physical bond between the spouses based on love, respect and commitment to a life and family that has been built up together. This is incompatible with swinging. I abhor the idea of having sex with strangers or casual acquaintances.

Swingers are extremely committed to their families and to their relationships. They are very jealous of emotional intimacy, but not physical intimacy. If you can't separate them, then swinging is not for you. Some people can, though, and for them, they can open their relationship for sex without threatening the core emotional relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve both emotional ties and physical ties between the outside partners. I think they are much more threatening.

That's what she's saying. Swinging is not something she's willing to do. You are fine with them, she is not. She's the one in this marriage, so she gets to decide what her limits are.

[Anonymous]

If he's that adamant about wanting to do it, not finding it wrong and never going to stop doing it the only way you can handle it is get a divorce or deal with it. He's not lying to you, he's not making false promises so it's your choice. He probably does it because he thinks you'll never leave him anyway...