Advice needed for in-law drama

[Anonymous]

Wow, that is horrible, OP. She sounds sick in the head if she would cut off her own children for keeping up any sort of relationship with their own father. I'm sorry. I suppose you could humor DH just for the sake of your marriage (even though I agree it's totally unwarranted, won't work, and will just feed her monstrous ego) - but sometimes we have to do silly things for the ones we love. Who knows the damage she's inflicted on him and his sister.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a problem of messed up cards. This is 100% your MIL's problem. It is not even a tiny, little bit your problem or your DH's problem. She wields love and attention like a weapon to get what she wants, however unreasonable the demands are. Your DH is conditioned to jump through whatever emotional hoops she demands, and has always done so. You need to start with getting him to see that a) he can not change her, she will always be this way but also that b) he has control too. He can choose NOT to deal with her when she is being unreasonable. If she wants to tank their entire relationship for something so trivial, it was never much of a relationship to begin with. Please try to get him to a family therapist (go with him at first) so he can see how toxic and awful his mother's behavior is. Calling her daily is just re-enforcing in her mind that she is RIGHT and you both have done something wrong. Which is not the case at all.

Good luck, this sounds hard. But please don't beat yourself up for a little mistake. This isn't your fault at all.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DH's family is dysfunctional on both sides. I might try the idea of a couple's therapy session(s) around the topic of how "both" of you can best deal with the situations with both FIL and MIL "for the same of your own son" as before you know it he will sense the tension regarding grandparents on DH side as compared to the more normal (I assume) grandparents, aunts and uncles on your side. In this way are try to be proactive to learn to dissolve situations which might just carry on to impacting a 2nd generation. A couples approach would be looking what is best for the nurturing of and protection of your family unit. You both may actually need some skills to deal with this hateful woman.

[Anonymous]

You are better off without this sick, toxic MIL in your lives. Your DH needs therapy, stat. His dysfunctions caused by his Mil are ruining your marriage. He can't fix her; he can only fix himself.

It's unacceptable that this has gone in so long. You did NOTHING wrong. MIL is 100% at fault here, but DH is making it far worse by blaming you. It is not at all fair. He needs to realize how poisoned he has been by his mother and how sick this whole dynamic is!

[Anonymous]

OP, is your DH still contacting MIL once a day? And she's ignoring it?
She must be loving this. This says to her that she's needed, and that her tantrum is working. She may be getting more attention from DH this way than she was when they were speaking. MIL wants to cause division. She would love it if DH told her that he's cut off FIL.

No wonder the divorce was so nasty. I don't know what FIL is like, but I can imagine why he and DH's relationship is strained.

MIL is toxic, and you need to find a way to lovingly show DH this truth. If he won't go to therapy, does he have friends you can suggest talk to him about this? Say something like "DH is having a hard time because MIL is shunning him for a little mistake. Take it easy on him if he's in a bad mood." If he has any good friends, they will ask him about this and hopefully give a good perspective.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds 100% like my mom. She is toxic. It has taken me a long time to mourn the loss of a mother/daughter relationship that I know that I'll never have with her.

They manipulate you with your own feelings. It sucks. There is nothing more he or you can do. The best way is to stop trying. When she realizes that you are not going to kiss her ass, she will stop playing the victim and come around. When she does and if she says something about it. You may want to say,'Its such a shame that you missed all of that time with your son and grandchild."

You can not change people only how you let them treat you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP,I feel so sorry for your DH, for you and your child

[Anonymous]

I understand you feel badly for your DH, and that you feel responsible for the little mix-up with the cards. But you've done what you needed to do to make up for your very small mistake. I don't think even an apology was warranted or needed. Mix-ups happen, and so what? The point was that you wanted to send some photos to your MIL, and you did that, even though the cards got mixed up. Big deal.

What's really creepy here is that your DH keeps calling his mother DAILY! That's very odd, OP. It's like he's her little boy begging to get back in her good graces for the most minor infraction that had nothing to do with him (the card mix-up).

She's punishing him for healthy behavior -- remaining neutral in a fight between his parents. Every mature parent will respect a child's need to love and be loved by both his or her parents. Your MIL is clearly terribly immature, and your DH is blind to that obvious fact. He does need therapy to help him let go of his dysfunctional mama. He cannot change her behavior, but he can change his own, first and foremost, he needs to stop giving in to her emotional blackmail, and let go of the relationship (if you want to call it that) with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH still contacting MIL once a day? And she's ignoring it?
She must be loving this. This says to her that she's needed, and that her tantrum is working. She may be getting more attention from DH this way than she was when they were speaking. MIL wants to cause division. She would love it if DH told her that he's cut off FIL.

OP here. Yes, DH is still contacting MIL once a day by email--sending her photos, sending her email updates, the occasional phone call. All of which she has ignored--she will not pick up the phone (I think she blocked our number), and she ignores all emails. I am sure she is loving this, as you say, that her silence/ignoring is causing DH to worry about her and constantly contact her to show her that he cares.

But my husband's goal in all of this is to not mention or discuss the "issue" with the card mix up and instead just pretend like nothing happened, so she knows that he has "moved on." I'm sure MIL has not moved on and will not move on for months or years. So he's just emailing about mundane stuff, with no mention of the issue, which is probably making her mad that he isn't addressing it, since it's showing her that he is moving on. But DH does not want to stop contacting his mother, even though she will not acknowledge his emails/phone calls. I don't really understand why he wants to keep contacting her.

I do believe that MIL wants to cause division in the family--she is estranged from her own daughter because the daughter wanted a relationship with FIL, and so MIL has no relationship with her daughter and has not spoken to her in 15 years. And she often asks my husband if he has any relationship with his sister, and she would be mad if she found out he did (which he does not because his sister is not interested in a relationship).

The family is just incredibly dysfunctional. It used to bother me, but now I just ignore all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does DH not see that his mother is nuts? I see the hurt, but the constant contact is bad form on his part. He shouldn't be apologizing for having a relationship with his dad.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. This would have happened over something else if not this. See what you can do to get DH some help, therapy I mean, to deal with how crazy his family is.

OP here. My husband isn't interested in therapy. He acknowledges that his mother has her faults but says that everyone does, and that hers is this sort of thing--holding grudges, being passive aggressive, always having to "be right," being inflexible, etc.

MIL is FUCKED UP and has FUCKED up her kids. Your DH needs to be in intensive therapy or those dysfunctional emotional habits will be passed on to your kids. Seriously, you do not want your kids seeing him model begging for the love and affection of someone who is not capable of giving it. Your poor husband is torturing himself with his mother.
She is sick, sick, sick. I feel sorry for her, but the damage she is doing must be stopped. Tell your husband that you are going to a family therapist and he is welcome to join you.
I bet the farm he will go. The sad truth is, he is already programmed to be emotionally manipulated, and if he feels it will cause estrangement in his marital relationship to not go, chances are he will go. I AM NOT SAYING TO THREATEN HIM WITH IT! I am saying he will likely be afraid or your possible anger and upset and will therefore capitulate and go. Either way, you need to go to get tools for dealing with your MIL special brand of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DH still contacting MIL once a day? And she's ignoring it?
She must be loving this. This says to her that she's needed, and that her tantrum is working. She may be getting more attention from DH this way than she was when they were speaking. MIL wants to cause division. She would love it if DH told her that he's cut off FIL.

OP here. Yes, DH is still contacting MIL once a day by email--sending her photos, sending her email updates, the occasional phone call. All of which she has ignored--she will not pick up the phone (I think she blocked our number), and she ignores all emails. I am sure she is loving this, as you say, that her silence/ignoring is causing DH to worry about her and constantly contact her to show her that he cares.

But my husband's goal in all of this is to not mention or discuss the "issue" with the card mix up and instead just pretend like nothing happened, so she knows that he has "moved on." I'm sure MIL has not moved on and will not move on for months or years. So he's just emailing about mundane stuff, with no mention of the issue, which is probably making her mad that he isn't addressing it, since it's showing her that he is moving on. But DH does not want to stop contacting his mother, even though she will not acknowledge his emails/phone calls. I don't really understand why he wants to keep contacting her.

I do believe that MIL wants to cause division in the family--she is estranged from her own daughter because the daughter wanted a relationship with FIL, and so MIL has no relationship with her daughter and has not spoken to her in 15 years. And she often asks my husband if he has any relationship with his sister, and she would be mad if she found out he did (which he does not because his sister is not interested in a relationship).

The family is just incredibly dysfunctional. It used to bother me, but now I just ignore all of them.

OP, no disrespect, but if you think you can ignore this level of dysfunction you are just as crazy as they are. This is what your kids see - it is what they will learn. You have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I'm not so sure that the mom is really "loving this" and bus that messed up. I think her pride is really, really hurt and her sense of identity is threatened, in a way, since she invested so much in being a good mom and, from your note, it may seem that you are treating you and her ex exactly the same. She probably feels she merits BETTER treatment, and I'm not sure I blame her if she did most of the work.

What exactly did you say in that nite, anyway? It seems to me you or your DH can probably win her back with a phone call explaining that you don't really understand the family relationships and were just trying to be friendly, but that you probably wrote things DH wouldn't have. FWIW.

My mom has a strong sense of pride and has stopped speaking to me for weeks and once a few months when I said something in jest that she took too heart. I don't blame her. It's the way she is built. She grew up during the depression when resources were scarce, and if you lose her trust you have to apologize and gain it back. But she is very strong and loving and protective of the people she trusts and loves. Try to see her side a bit instead of treating her, as others here suggest, as the crazy, desperate, controlling mother-in-law. It sounds to me like you really hurt her feelings.

What did you write in FIL's letter? And in your follow up apology that you say was ignored? If it was the wrong sort of apology, full of your own pride, it might have hurt instead if helped.

[Anonymous]

I meant to write, what exactly do id you say in that NOTE, not nite, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Your husband must indeed be traumatized to continue a relationship with such a toxic person as his mother.
My friend's husband behaved like this too with his overbearing and narcissistic mother, which made my friend crazy!

I would advise you to take your husband to a therapist.

You did all you could, and none of the fallout is your fault!

[Anonymous]

Well, it sort of is her fault, though, since she mixed up the letters. I mean, MIL's fault, too, but none of this would have happened if OP hadn't sent MIL the other note and book.

Why not try calling her from a different phone, with a phone number they won't recognize, and giving a real and heartfelt apology. (I am PP from last comment who doesn't think MIL is that bad, just hurt.)