Advice needed for in-law drama

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married 8 years and we have one child. As some background, MIL and FIL got divorced 20 years ago, and it was a messy, nasty divorce. MIL and FIL hate each other and haven't spoken since the divorce. The divorce also splintered the family: MIL doesn't speak to DH's sister, and FIL doesn't speak to DH's brother. MIL always liked DH's brother better because he was "loyal" to her and decided to become estranged from FIL and not have any relationship with him. My husband has tried to stay neutral and while he has a better relationship with his mother, he does talk on the phone occasionally to his father, though that's pretty much the extent of their relationship. I have never had a good relationship with any of his family and think they are a highly dysfunctional bunch. They live in Oregon so we rarely see them (we see MIL once a year and see FIL once every 5 years).

Here is the issue: we had some professional family photos taken and I thought it would be nice to make these into a photo book. I wanted to send a copy of the book to all the grandparents. The problem is that I mixed up the cards and MIL got the card that said "dear dad" and FIL got the card that said "dear mom." FIL didn't really care--he was confused but not bothered.

However, MIL was clearly highly upset and insulted by the fact that the card indicated that my husband had a relationship with his father, because for the past 15 years my husband assured his mother that he had basically no relationship with him (which is true, besides quarterly phone calls). I wanted to send the photo books to get his family more interested in our child, especially FIL, who shows next to no interest in his only grandchild.

MIL sent the photo book back to us with a nasty note, and now refuses to have any contact with my husband. She won't answer his apology phone calls or emails, etc. My husband anticipates that this silent treatment could go on for months, if not years. She is very passive aggressive and the reason she is so upset is because my husband has shown himself to not be 100% "loyal" to her because of the card to his father, along with the gift of the photo book.

My husband is upset by this and bummed out. He insisted that I send her an apology note, which I did, since I was the one who messed up the cards. I feel terrible about it that I caused all this drama. She did not respond to me.

What can we do to resolve this situation? My husband is so upset. His mother is stubborn and passive aggressive and will hold a grudge about this for years. She's the type who, in the future if we send her a gift, will say, "I don't want this because you probably sent the same one to my ex-husband."

I'm sorry it happened and I wish I could do something but don't know what to do.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

You apologized. You don't need to do anything else. I wouldn't suggest you do anything else - except let it go. Whenever the once-a-year MIL visit is usually scheduled for - well, don't change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You apologized. You don't need to do anything else. I wouldn't suggest you do anything else - except let it go. Whenever the once-a-year MIL visit is usually scheduled for - well, don't change it.

OP here. Well the problem is that DH is very upset. He feels he needs to contact her at least once a day for however long it takes for her to forgive us. Because he doesn't have good relationships with any family member besides her, he feels that he needs to do everything he can to get back in her positive regard. It's just that MIL will not let this go--that's just her nature. She cannot move past something like this, and will probably feel the need to hold a grudge for months or years. It's just a really depressing situation for my husband. He feels abandoned by her. I wish there was something I could do, but she ignored my apology email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You apologized. You don't need to do anything else. I wouldn't suggest you do anything else - except let it go. Whenever the once-a-year MIL visit is usually scheduled for - well, don't change it.

This. She's toxic, passive aggressive, insecure, and controlling. Try not to let it eat up either of you.

[Anonymous]

Does DH not see that his mother is nuts? I see the hurt, but the constant contact is bad form on his part. He shouldn't be apologizing for having a relationship with his dad.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. This would have happened over something else if not this. See what you can do to get DH some help, therapy I mean, to deal with how crazy his family is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologized. You don't need to do anything else. I wouldn't suggest you do anything else - except let it go. Whenever the once-a-year MIL visit is usually scheduled for - well, don't change it.

OP here. Well the problem is that DH is very upset. He feels he needs to contact her at least once a day for however long it takes for her to forgive us. Because he doesn't have good relationships with any family member besides her, he feels that he needs to do everything he can to get back in her positive regard. It's just that MIL will not let this go--that's just her nature. She cannot move past something like this, and will probably feel the need to hold a grudge for months or years. It's just a really depressing situation for my husband. He feels abandoned by her. I wish there was something I could do, but she ignored my apology email.

She sounds like an absolutely awful person. Any chance he would consider therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does DH not see that his mother is nuts? I see the hurt, but the constant contact is bad form on his part. He shouldn't be apologizing for having a relationship with his dad.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. This would have happened over something else if not this. See what you can do to get DH some help, therapy I mean, to deal with how crazy his family is.

OP here. My husband isn't interested in therapy. He acknowledges that his mother has her faults but says that everyone does, and that hers is this sort of thing--holding grudges, being passive aggressive, always having to "be right," being inflexible, etc.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing else for you to do. You made an innocent mistake, you apologized for it. Why would you want someone like this in your life or your child's anyway?

Hopefully your apology to MIL let your DH off the hook with you saying it was totally your idea to send ALL grandparents a picture of Larlo, and you apologize for sending her the wrong card, blah blah blah.

I would not be upset about this if I were you. Your MIL sure has done a number on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hopefully your apology to MIL let your DH off the hook with you saying it was totally your idea to send ALL grandparents a picture of Larlo, and you apologize for sending her the wrong card, blah blah blah.

OP here. Unfortunately, my apology to MIL was ignored, and she has also ignored DH for the last 6 weeks. She refuses to answer his calls, emails, etc. She will not pick up the phone when he calls. She did not call him on Father's Day, which hurt his feelings tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Have him *67 call her.

She might pick up.

If that does not go well, give up for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hopefully your apology to MIL let your DH off the hook with you saying it was totally your idea to send ALL grandparents a picture of Larlo, and you apologize for sending her the wrong card, blah blah blah.

OP here. Unfortunately, my apology to MIL was ignored, and she has also ignored DH for the last 6 weeks. She refuses to answer his calls, emails, etc. She will not pick up the phone when he calls. She did not call him on Father's Day, which hurt his feelings tremendously.

This is not your problem.

It's DH's problem. Not much for you to do except offer sympathy and stand back.

[Anonymous]

So...you did something very nice and considerate and they are making you eat shit for it? Got it.

Please do not sanction this behavior by being sorry for doing something kind. Sounds like your bigger issue is being a strong team with Dh with regard to his mother's insanely immature behavior. Who puts their child in this terrible position--even their adult child? Did ex-FIL beat her or the children or otherwise do terrible things to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologized. You don't need to do anything else. I wouldn't suggest you do anything else - except let it go. Whenever the once-a-year MIL visit is usually scheduled for - well, don't change it.

OP here. Well the problem is that DH is very upset. He feels he needs to contact her at least once a day for however long it takes for her to forgive us. Because he doesn't have good relationships with any family member besides her, he feels that he needs to do everything he can to get back in her positive regard. It's just that MIL will not let this go--that's just her nature. She cannot move past something like this, and will probably feel the need to hold a grudge for months or years. It's just a really depressing situation for my husband. He feels abandoned by her. I wish there was something I could do, but she ignored my apology email.

You are right about the dysfunction. Unfortunately, your husband needs to see a therapist, quick. You cannot fix this. And putting up with your MIL drama all these years for your husband's sake is toxic beyond words.

Sadly, (more than your MIL drama) the bigger problem is your DH's massive anxiety over this and the fact that he actually thought that you could fix this by sending an apology to your MIL.

Maybe now he will finally face just how extremely dysfunctional his mom is. He is going to have to let go of the fantasy mother/son relationship that he holds so dear.

[Anonymous]

I understand your DH doesn't want to go to therapy. Unfortunately, it's likely the only way he'll ever understand how his mother is manipulating him, how toxic it is and that he needs to un-learn his conditioning. Your DH also has to understand his role in this. He is reinforcing her bad behavior. She apparently has conditions for love and your DH hasn't met them. That's fucked up. Perhaps you could ask him to go to therapy with you so you can better understand his relationship with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is loving this. Your DH is a fool. Is he helping you w your child or spending time trying to call his momma? You married a momma's boy. BEWARE. It will only get worse. He needs boundaries.