Ex doesn't want me to date

[Anonymous]

It is none of his business. Date! I wouldn't introduce the kids to any of the guys you're dating unless you think that there is real potential of a LTR. You don't have to tell the kids (much less your ex) who you are going out with or any sort of real details about the date(s).

I seriously would refuse to discuss any of it with the ex because he sounds completely unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.
Big hugs.

It seems to us (who are not in your shoes) that it is worthwhile to fight and be able to date freely and discreetly, rather than sneak around and walk on eggshells. After all, this is why you divorced your spouse, no?

Have you tried what 9:45 is saying?

[Anonymous]

How is he finding out that you're dating? I wouldn't tell him anything. Just keep doing what you're doing and call it "plans with friends" if he asks. If you want to go away for a weekend, it's a girls' weekend. If you want a night off for a date, say it's for a birthday party or whatever. I don't know if you're going to change his behavior, so I'd probably pick discretion and not rocking the boat.

I don't really talk to my ex about dating, but that's just how we are - until someone becomes serious, it doesn't need to be anyone's business. If I met someone who deserved to meet my daughter, I might mention it.

[Anonymous]

I fought him on it 3 years ago. It was a costly train wreck. He started trouble with extended family that still causes me grief.

He snooped in my email and cell phone bill.

He's an involved parent. I'm an involved parent. I don't want for either of us to stop going to everything. Is 9:45 suggesting I just continue to keep it a secret? With Facebook, it's difficult to keep things from one person.

I don't introduce my child to people I'm dating. Since I known him and his family for years, she already knows him. I haven't mentioned the dating to her, but she has noticed him calling me and my demeanor when he's on the phone. Maybe the PPs don't have teens and tweens. They're quick to pick up on this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fought him on it 3 years ago. It was a costly train wreck. He started trouble with extended family that still causes me grief.

He snooped in my email and cell phone bill.

He's an involved parent. I'm an involved parent. I don't want for either of us to stop going to everything. Is 9:45 suggesting I just continue to keep it a secret? With Facebook, it's difficult to keep things from one person.

I don't introduce my child to people I'm dating. Since I known him and his family for years, she already knows him. I haven't mentioned the dating to her, but she has noticed him calling me and my demeanor when he's on the phone. Maybe the PPs don't have teens and tweens. They're quick to pick up on this stuff.

So what exactly do you want us to say? You either have to put your foot down and suffer the consequences or stop dating. I don't see a third option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is he finding out that you're dating? I wouldn't tell him anything. Just keep doing what you're doing and call it "plans with friends" if he asks. If you want to go away for a weekend, it's a girls' weekend. If you want a night off for a date, say it's for a birthday party or whatever. I don't know if you're going to change his behavior, so I'd probably pick discretion and not rocking the boat.

I don't really talk to my ex about dating, but that's just how we are - until someone becomes serious, it doesn't need to be anyone's business. If I met someone who deserved to meet my daughter, I might mention it.

Do I tell my bf to get over his issues with a secretive relationship?

[Anonymous]

]I fought him on it 3 years ago. It was a costly train wreck. He started trouble with extended family that still causes me grief.

Your extended family or his? If his, who cares? Cut them off.

He snooped in my email and cell phone bill.

How? Does he have your email password? Why? How can he access your cell phone bill? Are you on the same plan? If so, that needs to change. Even if you have to go pre-paid, get off his plan.

He's an involved parent. I'm an involved parent. I don't want for either of us to stop going to everything. Is 9:45 suggesting I just continue to keep it a secret? With Facebook, it's difficult to keep things from one person.

I never suggested keeping secrets. If he finds out, he finds out. But don't discuss it with him. Refuse to have any conversations with him that aren't directly related to the health or well-being of your child. Period. Doctors appointments, school stuff visitation, ..... those are the only things you should be discussing.

I don't introduce my child to people I'm dating. Since I known him and his family for years, she already knows him. I haven't mentioned the dating to her, but she has noticed him calling me and my demeanor when he's on the phone. Maybe the PPs don't have teens and tweens. They're quick to pick up on this stuff.

I've been divorced forever. And remarried for a very long time. I have college kids. I have absolutely been where you are. This will not get better until you decide to completely cut him out of YOUR life. You have no choice but to continue a co-parenting relationship. That does not mean he needs to be your buddy.

Honestly, it sounds like you are still way too involved. My ex-husband could not have accessed my email or my cell phone bills without breaking the law. He is not my "friend" on facebook. I told him I was getting married, but until then we didn't talk about my dating life. Same with him. I knew he was dating but didn't know details until after he and his wife were engaged. I could have pumped my kids for information, but I didn't.

It sounds to me like you are still very connected to your ex. That's not healthy for you or for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fought him on it 3 years ago. It was a costly train wreck. He started trouble with extended family that still causes me grief.

He snooped in my email and cell phone bill.

He's an involved parent. I'm an involved parent. I don't want for either of us to stop going to everything. Is 9:45 suggesting I just continue to keep it a secret? With Facebook, it's difficult to keep things from one person.

I don't introduce my child to people I'm dating. Since I known him and his family for years, she already knows him. I haven't mentioned the dating to her, but she has noticed him calling me and my demeanor when he's on the phone. Maybe the PPs don't have teens and tweens. They're quick to pick up on this stuff.

You and your ex are no longer married to each other. And that means that you absolutely do have a certain right to your own personal privacy and what you share with him. There is no need to put your dating life out there on Facebook for all to see. If you don't want to discuss your love life with the ex - don't. It only becomes his business if it starts to impact his children in a negative way - otherwise, not his beeswax. I do have a teen/tween and I am also happily married (so obviously not dating). Your ex sounds controlling to me.

[Anonymous]

Your ex sounds abusive and controlling. Why are you FB friends with people who would report to him? Honestly I'd cut these toxic people out of your life. Is it worth it? It doesn't sound it. Anyone who gave me grief about something that happened 3 years ago has no place in my life. If they are your exs family. he can be in charge of having your kid around them.

You have to put your foot down because right now you are letting your ex dictate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is going through this. The ex is miserable and even though she cheated and left him for the other man - whom she now lives with - she still rages at my friend any time there is even a hint of someone else. Last year he fell in love and remarried. His ex has been AWFUL. She does everything she can to go after him. The fighting is non-stop. The kids are in the middle of it all and they are miserable. They are always in court. He actually went bankrupt from it. All if this started after he met the new woman. Before that, it was fine.

Honestly, there really is nothing you can do to change this behavior. My friend tried everything - being nice, being tough, ignoring it, engaging. Nothing worked. You have six more years until your kid is 18. My advice is to keep quiet about it until then. It's not fun, but it's what you have to do to protect yourself and your child.

NP Here. This sounds just like ME!!! My ex left first to be with someone, but is a constant pain in my a$$. I wish I knew the answer. It's unbelievable how miserable people make it their mission to make you miserable, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, your ex should not be reading your email or your cell phone bill. If he is punishing you for things on your Facebook, he should not be your Facebook friend. At the very least, you should create a filter so that he cannot see things that you protect against him. It's not that hard to do.

I think that your concern over financial dependence on him is a thing you need to start resolving now. How do you plan to become financially independent from him? I'm not talking about allowing him to stop paying child support, but having a cushion where if he spitefully withholds child support because he's angry at you, you will not go into financial freefall. I know that's a tough proposition, as I rely on the child support checks from my ex too, but it HAS to happen. You're not married to him anymore and if your child is a pre-teen, those checks will not be coming forever.

As for the extended family, if he's talking shit about you to your family, you need to tell your family to cut him off. If it's his family, who cares? His family, his relationships, his problem.

[Anonymous]

What is up with your sense of boundaries?

Why is he your friend on Facebook? First thing you do right now is defriend and block him.

Defriend and block any members of his extended family.

How could he have access to your email?

Does he pay your cell phone bill? If so, get a new cell phone.

At your child's events, be polite but sit separate from him and do not engage in conversation with him about anything.

What problems has he caused with extended family? Do they know what he did to you and your daughter as retaliation from dating?

Can you get a support order now so that the state will collect the support for you? In VA, you can do that without the person being in arrears.

[Anonymous]

He's not my Facebook friend. We have a couple of mutual friends who don't use FB much and are both my child's friend.

I'm not entirely sure how he got into my email.

We share a cell family account. I'll look into getting my own.

A lot of changes to how I act and how we handle money is going to tip him off that I'm hiding something. It needs to be done. I'll find a way to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I wish there was a way to talk some sense into him. There will be hell to pay for this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you guys are acting like you're still married. Sharing a family cell phone plan? You're NOT a family anymore. Get your own plan. Change the password on your email and don't tell him what your new password is.

How you handled money should have changed when you divorced. If he feels that acting like you're divorced when you're divorced means you're hiding something, that's too bad. As for "hell to pay", you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting this man control and abuse you.