Ex doesn't want me to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

There's your problem. YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE THERAPIST. The LAST thing you do in this situation is do anything that resembles asking permission and engaging in discussions about your personal life. Come on man, this has to be a joke.
1. Get a new therapist. Today.
2. Show new therapist this thread.
3. Voila, you're already on the road to success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

?????????????

This makes not one iota of sense. A real therapist suggested that you talk to a controlling ex of ten years about you wanting to date??

I'm out. You're making this up as you go along.

I'm not.

I'm sure she thinks it's best to just face it instead of hiding and being afraid of his reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

?????????????

This makes not one iota of sense. A real therapist suggested that you talk to a controlling ex of ten years about you wanting to date??

I'm out. You're making this up as you go along.

I'm not.

I'm sure she thinks it's best to just face it instead of hiding and being afraid of his reaction.

NP here, and a real therapist would encourage you to break the cycle of abuse and control and help you find way to empower yourself in this situation. My best friend had a very similar relationship with her ex- and I will tell you the same thing I told her "you can't control how he is going to react, he is going to say the meanest things to hurt you and get a raise out of you, including threatening the welfare of your child. And everytime you give him the reaction he wants (fear, anger, anxiety), he wins. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"

She is now remarried, in a healthy relationship, and even when her ex attacks her with his abusive crap- she has learned how to stop giving him all that power. No one said that will be easy OP, it is gonna be hard- that is why you have put it off for ten years now but for gods sake why waste any more time hemming and hawing about it?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

?????????????

This makes not one iota of sense. A real therapist suggested that you talk to a controlling ex of ten years about you wanting to date??

I'm out. You're making this up as you go along.

I'm not.

I'm sure she thinks it's best to just face it instead of hiding and being afraid of his reaction.

But OP, you've already said this was your fault because you just handed him all of this control on a silver platter. Can you seriously not see how negotiating about this with him, and yes, that's what this is, is handing over all of the control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

?????????????

This makes not one iota of sense. A real therapist suggested that you talk to a controlling ex of ten years about you wanting to date??

I'm out. You're making this up as you go along.

I'm not.

I'm sure she thinks it's best to just face it instead of hiding and being afraid of his reaction.

But OP, you've already said this was your fault because you just handed him all of this control on a silver platter. Can you seriously not see how negotiating about this with him, and yes, that's what this is, is handing over all of the control?

First of all, I'm not sure if her advice is a good plan.

By telling him I want to date, I'm taking away a certain level of fear. I know he will react badly, but it would show him that I am not going to remain single out of fear. I see how cutting him out of decision making would be beneficial. Both plans have drawbacks. When I'm not busy working or prepping for a storm, I'll give it all some thought.

Either way, stoic is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell him you want to date, that is like asking for permission. Tell him you are going to start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him you want to date, that is like asking for permission. Tell him you are going to start dating.

I would go one step further....she already IS dating someone and she should tell the ex that she IS dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him you want to date, that is like asking for permission. Tell him you are going to start dating.

I would go one step further....she already IS dating someone and she should tell the ex that she IS dating.

NP here. I don't even think she should do this. I think that she should not engage her ex in any discussions about her romantic life. If he asks, she can say, "Yes, of course I'm dating, did you think I was going to join a nunnery after we split?" but he doesn't need to have any details. He only needs to know if/when it affects him, i.e. if she's with someone she plans to marry and introduce as a stepfather figure to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him you want to date, that is like asking for permission. Tell him you are going to start dating.

I would go one step further....she already IS dating someone and she should tell the ex that she IS dating.

NP here. I don't even think she should do this. I think that she should not engage her ex in any discussions about her romantic life. If he asks, she can say, "Yes, of course I'm dating, did you think I was going to join a nunnery after we split?" but he doesn't need to have any details. He only needs to know if/when it affects him, i.e. if she's with someone she plans to marry and introduce as a stepfather figure to their kids.

This. Completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in therapy. We talked about it this morning. She suggested I talk to him about wanting to date and let that sink in for a while.

Agree with others, cannot imagine a real therapist suggesting such a thing.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same situation!!! Even tough I'm not looking forward dating now since I been separated for 2 years , my ex acts the same way as OP s ex! He always look at my fb page and if a male likes my pic or status he goes and tells me if I'm dating someone! It's really annoying since he has already another kid of 1 year old

[Anonymous]

The only way to stop a controlling ex is establishing clear and firm boundaries. You don't speak about your dating life to your ex and you shut down any conversation related to dating.

[Anonymous]

Does your ex date? If he does who cares. You are letting him control you. Why do you need permission from him that your dating? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same situation!!! Even tough I'm not looking forward dating now since I been separated for 2 years , my ex acts the same way as OP s ex! He always look at my fb page and if a male likes my pic or status he goes and tells me if I'm dating someone! It's really annoying since he has already another kid of 1 year old

Why don't you take control of your life - block him from your FB account!! You are complaining he is controlling but you let him have control - it's your choice. Why tell him anything about your life - dating or otherwise? Of course, unless you're still not over him and want to get back together.

And yes, I said this before to the OP and an asshat tried to flame me and guess what, turns out I was tight as the pages have revealed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same situation!!! Even tough I'm not looking forward dating now since I been separated for 2 years , my ex acts the same way as OP s ex! He always look at my fb page and if a male likes my pic or status he goes and tells me if I'm dating someone! It's really annoying since he has already another kid of 1 year old

Are you 25?
You get no sympathy when you allow him to see your FB posts. It is very easy to hide your feed from someone without de-friending. Or here's an even better solution: just get off FB altogether.